x117 NETHERWORLD (5/8/98)

Cinematography by Adolfo "Demonic Toys" Bartoli
Directed by David "Crawlspace" Schmoeller

Bring on the crappy horror movie of the evening. In this tough little nugget of a film, our protagonist gets into a series of adventures at a recently-inherited Whooooooooorehouse of the Ollllllld South. This movie is chock full of characters, yet strangely devoid of plot. Let's see: there's a flying stone hand, Marilyn Monroe and Mary Magdalene as the living embodiment of the whore/whore complex, parrots who hold the souls of long-fallen Hong Kong movie extras, and the evil sorceress from Doctor Strange, morphed into male form. A rough outline of the events which unfold: our hero's father was a mean-mad sorcerer who instituted a house of ill repute/aviary down on the bayou. The evil magic-users/harlots remove the stubborn body thetans of white trash and move them into various species of fowl. There's also a love interest who's not too interesting. But everything ends up OK, when our hero's dad gives him the patented Marlon Brando kiss of death (tm) and ends the movie, leaving us with the gamy taste of GPS.

BryanL> Schmoeller, schmoeller. Oh, wait. That doesn't work.
dungarees> Holly Floria...rolls off the tongue. Sounds like an STD
BryanL> Hey, it's that Dexter's Lab eagle noise!
dungarees> Is this Road House, or a John Woo movie?
dungarees> Pizza Hut on the Bayou.
TomServo> Y'know, the funny part is, that the roosers are smarter than the hillbillys
BryanL> Matthew Broderick and Robin Givens in WHORE.
THX-1138> Some hooker cut to look like Veronica Lake?
dungarees> ANd this is my roommate Mary Magdelene Monroe
* MrBooze cracks up at Keep Out sign where clearly the Little Rascals are.
dungarees> Where does the Scifi channel find all these guys with hair that sweats?
MrBooze> Quick check: Yup, still got a penis.
dungarees> It's a fucking parakeet with felt stuck on its head!
BryanL> I feel like I should be watching this on Showtime.
Ironf> No, this is pure Cinemax fare.
KevinL> Hmmm. He looks like Chuck Norris, yet he sounds like Antonio Banderas.
MrBooze> Meanwhile, ath the Thing Memorial.
dungarees> It's one of Thing's ancestors
Ironf> AHhhhhh the flying stone hand
Ironf> Woohoo
BryanL> It's a bird! It's a plane! It's SUPERHAND!
dungarees> Talk to the hand!
KevinL> At least that's not stupid. It would really suck if that were stupid.
dungarees> I TOLD you it was a John Woo movie. Check out the doves.
BryanL> That's what happens when you try for a five-finger discount at Hell's Whorehouse.
MrBooze> So, if you flirt with whores, you'll get turned into a red-headed parakeet. And they say movies today have no moral high ground.
BryanL> Canal-Cam!
TomServo> The bridges of whore county
BryanL> Who the hell are you, and why are we listening to your think?
Ironf> I am Cajun-boy.
dungarees> He sounds suspicously like that heinous moppet from Seaquest
dungarees> They ALL speak fluent Dylan
THX-1138> That's Gump's house.
KevinL> So, is Dawson in love with the blond or the brunette....
dungarees> And it comes pre-fabbed with pony-riding whores...ain't that great?
dungarees> I wish this would decide whether it wants to be Designing Women, Hellraiser, or Last of the Wild Horses
MrBooze> Screw you, lady! I'm off to Busch Gardens!
KevinL> This is Mr. Thornton. Mr. Billy Bob Thornton. Don't let him near the knives.
dungarees> Mrs. Sugarbaker, are you trying to seduce me?
MrBooze> The south, where all houses are kept like museums.
BryanL> I'm not supposed to have the slightest clue what the hell's going on, am I?
MrBooze> It's his ominous notebook.
BryanL> It's the Franklin Planner Necronomicon.
Ironf> It's his little black book of his favorite whores
dungarees> Is that a desk chair or a hippity hop? Why is he levitating up and down?
BryanL> Why is Bobby "The Brain" Heenan playing the sorceror dude?
MrBooze> You know, I remember when I visited my dead father's estate and he left me instructions on how to resurrect him. I'm pretty sure I said SCREW YOU!
KevinL> It's Dad's Grail Diary.
dungarees> Someone should send him a telegram that informs him "A little Dab'll do ya"
BryanL> But he kept thinking her name was Mulva.
MrBooze> Priapic?
dungarees> A sexual pre-eptic?
KevinL> Is there any other kind of priapic.
BryanL> A sexual Chiapet?
BryanL> He's gonna wear that tie the whole damn movie, isn't he.
MrBooze> And then a troll leaps out and eats them. The end.
KevinL> This Netherworld is awfully pastoral.
dungarees> Is she wearing the shredded remains of her panties around her neck?
BryanL> It's the love child of TV's Frank and Tor Johnson.
dungarees> I always knew that's what a Judy Blume book would look like
* MrBooze suspects that most whorehouses are not this interesting.
BryanL> It's the ass-grabbing scene from The Wedding Singer.
KevinL> This movie is so confused about whether it wants to be a John Woo movie, Roadhouse, or Dawson's Creek.
BryanL> Did you ever dance with a fat, psychotic Cajun in the pale moonlight? I don't know what that means. I just hate the sound of it.
dungarees> This is really what Jon Voight was going for in Anaconda
MrBooze> HE's thinking: "Don't drink the beer seductively..."
BryanL> Now Bijou's gonna fellate the beer like Madonna in "Truth or Dare".
BryanL> George, "The Animal", Steele in a role that will surprise you.
MrBooze> MAn, that guy is really horny. HE must only have a few minutes left on his viagra dose.
BryanL> Smelly. Stinky. I'm the one with the gun.
MrBooze> Target acquired...locking on...
BryanL> Stand by your hand...
KevinL> I'm really not getting this flying hand deal.
BryanL> What's to get? It's a hand. It flies.
MrBooze> It's an air defense system, Kev.
dungarees> It's not available in stores, Kevin.
Ironf> Flying through the air with the greatest of ease, it's the hand made to look cheezy
KevinL> It's Superhand. Able to leap tall staircases in a single bound.
BryanL> Again with that eagle sound... is Major Glory the foley artist?
dungarees> Don't do it, Chicken Boo! You don't wanna end up in the boneyard, man!
BryanL> I can't help but think that birds are important to the plot in some way.
Ironf> Should he be rubbing dear old dad that way?
BryanL> To revive him, I will have to delve into the ancient art of Blood Sugar Sex Magic.
dungarees> I'd do just about anything for you. Look, I've had your name branded on my butt!
MrBooze> Hmm...the dad who abandoned me before I was born wants my help bringing him back from the dead. Is it just me that would say "Bite me, o spirit of my asshole father"?
THX-1138> I thought Chuck Norris has exculsive rights to healing with animal power
MrBooze> Carrie's mom got work as a housekeeper apparently.
BryanL> Boy, the Jehovah's Witnesses are getting pushier.
dungarees> We had one of those home last rites kits, but it didn't have a stake! I feel gypped
Ironf> Your director ladies and gentleman
dungarees> She has no ribs!
MrBooze> That's a guy, isn't it?
Ironf> That's so she can blow herself rees.
BryanL> She's a MAN, BAYBEE!
KevinL> Death didn't keep you from looking like Phyllis Diller, tho, did it Marilyn?
MrBooze> Look, miss, did I just talk to a guy dressed like Marilyn Monroe?
MrBooze> Just walk past the screaming guys turning into giant birds.
KevinL> Wow, the young Jason Patric there has more of a selection in whores than Charlie Sheen could ever dream of.
MrBooze> What happened to our sex magick soundtrack?
Ironf> Welcome to Meridian
BryanL> She's giving him a "come quicker" look.
dungarees> He's going to go 'hyuck hyuck' any second now. I can tell.
KevinL> If Celine Dion starts singing, I'm outta here.
MrBooze> What's with the love theme from Netherworld?
BryanL> Ah! It's the sax player from the Muppet Show!
MrBooze> You know, even this isn't punishment enough for Edgar Winter's sins.
dungarees> This is a breast. The bump in the middle is not a radio dial.
dungarees> Rhea Perlman on the Steinway Violin
BryanL> Only love pads the film. In this case, sticky, icky, filthy Cajun paid for lust kind of love.
MrBooze> Meanwhile, in the finale of Roadhouse.
dungarees> Saigon...I can't believe I'm still in Saigon
MrBooze> Hee hee...I'll just slip this "congratulations on your first hooker" card under his pillow...
dungarees> Don't touch the sheets, blondie, they're all crusty
BryanL> Oh my god! She screwed Kenny! You bastards!
Ironf> That's one wierd STD.
BryanL> He's turning into Swamp Thing.
dungarees> It's worse, Bry. He's turning into Steven King.
BryanL> Goddamn. Half an hour left, and still no tantric sex, netherworlding, or nothing. Just a big stupid hand.
MrBooze> It's building up to the big ironic ending, Bry.
MrBooze> This movie just wants to beat us over the head with that red-headed parakeet doesn't it?
KevinL> Do you think he knows why that caged bird is singing?
Ironf> He should have never made that bet about Eddie Murphy and Dan Ackroid
MrBooze> Why are all the girl birds saying "Help me"? Are they all in avian menstrual cycle sync or something?
KevinL> He's a David Warner-be.
MrBooze> Some taffy?
BryanL> I don't know whether to praise you, kill you, or both, Kev.
BryanL> I've brought your melted lime Jello, sir.
MrBooze> What is that supposed to be? A glass of prestone engine coolant?
BryanL> It's a pitcher of SURGE!!!!!!
Ironf> Tafia is appearently Great Blubeini Kool-Aid.
MrBooze> Check your tint, Ironf. It's green.
Ironf> Blubini was blue till you added water, then it turns green Booze.
Ironf> Thus the magical aspect of it.
BryanL> Could someone ask shred to fast forward this? I'm falling asleep.
MrBooze> Hi, I'm the 25-year old 16-year old girl, and I haven't had sex with you yet.
MrBooze> So...faces
BryanL> Diane's got some damn fine cherry pie, apparently.
MrBooze> The director basically interviewed people, then spliced it into a freaky film, didn't he?
BryanL> I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night, alive as you or I.
KevinL> She's the Carol Hathaway... FROM HELL! Bwaahahahahahahahahaha.
MrBooze> Close your eyes, and imagine a john woo finale...
dungarees> Don't go into the cylon room!
MrBooze> Bobby the Brain Heenan after eating one of Willy Wonka's blueberries.
Ironf> give daddy some sugar
BryanL> Well. That was unpleasant.
THX-1138> Mmm, dad. You taste like maggots.
KevinL> So, the netherworld is full of GPS?
dungarees> You're a nice specimen. Now bend over.
KevinL> You got a pretty mouth.
Ironf> whoops walked into the wrong shot. Ohh hell well just keep rolling
BryanL> So, the netherworld's just a poorly furnished attic?
dungarees> So his father's a bisexual respirationally challanged necrophiliac?
MrBooze> Does she have a teen-slut all access pass or something?
dungarees> They only way to save him is to have hot lesbian sex on top of him.
Ironf> Place your hand on his crotch like I did and I think we can pull him through this together
dungarees> His feet are turning into Eddie Bauer thinsulate lined wool sox
Ironf> So boobs are the answer
KevinL> Now we're gettin' somewhere.
MrBooze> YES! The breast shall set you free!
BryanL> This is like the goth version of the Pumaman music.
THX-1138> Great, he just activated the alien technology that'll give Mars an atmosphere.
dungarees> JUST a bit outside
KevinL> Duck the hand on the string!
BryanL> So, the solution to defeating the stone hand is... duck.
Ironf> And that's the big finish.
dungarees> Oh. My. GOD. That SUCKED!
BryanL> Whoo. That sucked.
KevinL> Quoth the cockatoo, Nevermore.
BryanL> Still, appropriate to end the movie with a cockatoo.
MrBooze> Quoth the puppet bird....NEVER!
MrBooze> Quaf! OH QUAF this dark nepenthe!
dungarees> Ok, did we learn anything?
BryanL> We learned to duck the stone hand.
BryanL> Or hand the stone duck.
dungarees> Or to stone the duck hand
MrBooze> I learned that breasts will set you free.
Ironf> I learned that after a good night with a whore, you can end up turning into a bird.
THX-1138> I learned it was wise to watch the Homicide finale instead

"That's jail-bait, Mr. Thornton."
"Keep your hands off him, mother. He's mine."
"It was Dolores who first introduced me to the bird people."
"I became obsessed with making love with Dolores."

KevinL> The average funeral costs $5000. But who wants an -average- funeral. Come to beautiful New Orleans to die, and we'll send you off in -style-.
MrBooze> Yeah, screw the average funeral. I want to be strapped to a rocket like Wile E Coyote.
dungarees> I want a Zooroastrian funeral
KevinL> Who's gonna build you a ziggurat, tho, rees?
dungarees> I'm an anthropologist, Kevin, they'll be lining up to build it for me.
BryanL> I want to be stuffed and mounted on a springloaded trap door so I can scare kids on Halloween.
Ironf> I want to be cremated and then used as a spice in a meal for my family.
MrBooze> Nope. Strapped to a rocket. That's what I want.
KevinL> I'm just not ever going to die.
MrBooze> Being a sysadmin, I suppose I'll just get stashed in a closet somewhere.
BryanL> Being a unionized government secretary, I'll just continue to get benefits.


Netherworld Fun Fact #62: Monster of rock Edgar Winter (left) and stalwart Bon Jovi keyboardist David Bryan (right) collaborated on the soundtrack to Netherworld, proving that the musical noodling of the 70s and the 80s was, indeed, not dead.

mgrasso went up the river on a raft, and all he got was this lousy polymorph into parrot-form.