x09 Nightflyers (8/30/97)

Director: Robert "Collector"
Script of some kind: Robert "Al" Jaffe
Producer: Herb "No Relation" Jaffe

Michael Praed. A name defined simply by the phrase "blinding talent".  Unbridled talent, wildly wandering into scene after scene and spouting such lines the likes of which we will never see again. Michael Praed is truly the jewel in the cardboard crown that "Nightflyers" presents us with. A cardboard crown that could only have been crafted by the director who worked day and night to bring you the immortal "Red Heat". If you like Science coupled with mind-boggling fiction, look no further. Search no more at your local video store. Rent "Nightflyers" and be prepared to experience the difference. From it's bold use of hallways, to it's almost-patented "washed out print" look, "Nightflyers" offers the audience exciting new suprises at every turn. What's clear at this point is that I don't really remember A SINGLE DETAIL/EVENT/IDEA from the film in question. Sorry.

KevinL> Music by Flock of Kraftwerk
Q> i'm just so bloody english I can hardly stand  myself, eh what?
BryanL> Rug Doctor. Steamin' mad at Michael Praed.
THX-1138> Those are some damn fine oven mitts they have on those futuristic suits.
 BryanL> Your eyeball must be at least this tall to ride the Nightflyer.
Merlynn> They look futuristic in a nostalgic sort of way.
Balthasar> Ah, the breakneck pace of the crew assembly scene....
Brainooo> In space, no one can hear you be British, what?
Zwecky> That one-night scriptwriting course paid off.
Q> what's that? a hologram with a more eighties  hairdo than me????
BryanL> Here at Nightflyer, we're going in a different direction than the rest of the space industry.
Balthasar> "Dear Diary, no one noticed my hair thanks to that damn hologram!"
nicklby> wait, it's the future, and they use torches for lighting?
BryanL> So, what are the odds all the British accents will turn out evil?
bowleg> The Family Matters guy in a role that will....
Merlynn> Hurt you?
Djenk> bore you?
bowleg> Scorn you?
Balthasar> Confuse and anger you?
Merlynn> Leave you a screaming pile of flesh on  the ground?
THX-1138> have you begging for more?
Brainooo> Leave absolutely no lasting impression on you?
KevinL> Make you laugh.  Make you cry.  And  maybe, just maybe, learn a little something  about yourself?
Merlynn> Nah.
THX-1138> Condition red...gingivitis.
BryanL1> Some necrophilia would actually improve the film at this point.
bowleg> My if this isn't a taut, well-exectuted futuristic thriller.
KevinL> Oh, good.  I was worried there wouldn't be any more bad 80's techno.
nicklby> that was one poorly built IMAX theater
Djenk> Tell me I just didn't see the cheapest dead corpse puppet in the known universe...
BryanL> So, Mr. Praed, is -this- what you gave up  your show for?
Q> michael des barres' impeccable parrot imitation
bowleg> The Boy Who Could Be Half-Dissolved Into the Shot 
Balthasar> What's with all the candelabras? Is this the USS Liberace?
Brainooo> I'm allowed to be a ranting drunk....I'm English you know.
KevinL> So, what would happen to his big hair if  he were to be blown out of an airlock?
Q> oh god - heroin boy in tights, just what I wanted to see, movie
BryanL> I can't believe I'm actually RELIEVED to see a diarhea commercial.
Bowleg> Note to myself: buy more mustard yellow pants
M O N S T E R !
Kingdom: Composite of Different Elements in the Film
Genus: Negation of Sense and Everything You Hold Dear
Species: Diddleyus Squattus 
Special Powers: Sapping of: lifeforce, will to live, and intelligence.
Weakness: Apathy, Indifference, and Trying Not to Look at the Movie Directly.
Notes: The alleged movie "Nightflyers" has one of the most overwhelmingly powerful monsters in the history of the Home Game. The film is so pervasively filled with nothing at all that, if one pays any attention to it whatsoever, one's very self, one's inimicable ego, will be swirled away like so much toilet water. Every second of the 
film contains nothing. Don't watch this movie, it's not worth it. Even Misting it is a waste of time. It's a stupid movie about some stupid people with big stupid hair going out into space to do some stupid 
thing or other and the ship tries to kill them for an even more stupid and rather obscure reason. And then Uncle Phil died and 
Captain Wuss beats up Mother Brain with a stick and Emperor what's-his-face from Star Wars' wife shows up and dies for no apparent reason. And there was this guy who was so British it hurt and... and... (uncontrolled sobbing insues)
Balthasar> The Feel-Good Experience of the past 2  minutes!
bowleg> Lou Reed's "down" years
THX-1138> Just what this movie needed, a kick to the crotch.
Djenk> Machine language! In A computer? NAAHHH
Q> hey, i though space was a vacuum where you  couldn't hear bad eighties synth music as a  ship was going by...
nicklby> so he's driving a phallic-shaped ship into his "mother"?
bowleg> Watch him sweat! prance! rant! shoot heroin! be unbelievably british!
BryanL> If we turn back, we'll have to watch the  first half of the movie backwards.
Merlynn> Even dead,he's still British.
bowleg> Industry... working hard to keep you provided with nightflying.
lando5> if I didn't have to be at work for  another three hours, I'd be off to bed, to pull the covers up over my head and weep in the vain  hope of cleansing my soul...as it is, I'm just gonna go wallow in self-pity for a while. later.
BryanL1> You know what's really sad? I wish this was Solarbabies.
bowleg> So... what did the audience learn here?
Merlynn> To hate the British.
THX-1138> I learned that I have no idea what the plot of the movie was.
BryanL1> The audience learned nothing. The movie said nothing. This movie WAS nothing.
Brainooo> I've learned that....uh, nothing at all  really!
Djenk> I learned the Psycho just doesn't work as cheesy sapce opera
Balthasar> I learned to always wear the anti-static bracelet on board ship.
bowleg> I learned that you shouldn't trust guys that if you squint hard, look like Lovejoy. Especially if they talk loud and frequently.
Rays> I learned that you can hear sounds in space
nicklby> I learned not to travel on any spaceship that uses torches for light
bowleg> I learned that you shouldn't trust guys that if you squint hard, look like Lovejoy. Especially if they talk loud and frequently.
BryanL1> I learned that when the home game is Nightflyers, I should just go the heck to bed.
Q> i've learned that this movie doesn't make a) any impression  or b) any sense whatsoever,  even on the second viewing.
Justice> Ive learned to eat my brocilli and not mess with people who speak british and look like Sting.

"Wonder who does his clothes?"
 "Miranda, this is difficult for me..."
"Tell him! Tell him about my malfunction in the cargo bay yesterday!"
"It didn't have to be a CLASS TEN to  field them!"
 "So far so good man... nothing weird..."
"I'm a computer... you are NOT my mother!"
"Go to hell.... where you belong!"
"We'll probably all die."

HIT START  MONSTER! by BryanL and Merlynn