x130 PREHISTORIC WOMEN (5/30/98)

Written and Directed by Michael "Dirty Old Man" Carreras

Remember back in the 50's when you could have a moive that was full of sexual stereotypes. You just can't have a movie with women with big breasts running around in nothing but short skirts and small tops, unless you want to go the extra mile to get the Playboy channel or Skinemax. Anyway, what ya have here is a large clan of women that subject the blondes to be slaves. Nothing wrong with that I'm sure. Oh, they also worship and obviously fakey rhino that some kid made in the backyard outta mud then put chalk dust on it or something.


MrBooze> Is that the masturbating bear?
Balthayzr> OK, everyone is limited to one "horny" joke apiece.
KevinL> "Do I make you horny?"
Bloomers> say, baby, wanna blow my horn?
MrBooze> Why does he insist on trying to tough the horn every time?
Balthayzr> Watch, you talk into it, and it takes your order."That's 4 rhino-burgers...."
thX-II3B> To touch the horn.
Ironf> Boy, you got purty lips
Bloomers> How can you not love someone who is wearing a 100x scale model of the bony inner ear as a mask?
Plumm> Rhino Records' promotional contests get weirder and wierder...
Ironf> KoKo's parrot!
Plumm> Set design by Irwin Allen.
Balthayzr> He looks so Burt-reynolds-in-Gator-like.
thX-II3B> Dear Penthouse, there I was wandering the jungle and out of no where appears this primitive woman
Balthayzr> So, part of worshiping the white rhino is to wear false eyelashes and shave the problem areas.Prehis02.JPG - 12.59 K
Ironf> Cave women had panties?
Bloomers> I hope they remember to be safe when they share sex toys
KevinL> Yeah, the rhino's white cause it's made out of STYROFOAM!!!!
MrBooze> Are we supposed to think that is a live rhino?
thX-II3B> It's a mecha-rhino.
thX-II3B> You need to put fifty cents in it to move.
MrBooze> So this whole movie is basically just this guy violating a succession of native peoples sacred ground and being almost ritually murdered?
Djenk> A land where brunettes evolved from blondes?
Bloomers> He's going to convince her that they have to breed a new race, isn't he?
thX-II3B> Prehistoric supermodels in their Infinity Dresses.
Djenk> She looks like she raided Ric Flair's wardrobe
thX-II3B> These women obviously haven't seen a black rhino.
Balthayzr> "here's your Fruity Pebbles. I hope you choke on them."Prehis05.JPG - 10.66 K
KevinL> So, after thousands of years secluded from the rest of the world, they can still churn out a perfect 60's pop song?
Balthayzr> "Thanks for spilling the fruit salad, debbie!!"
MrBooze> My sheepdog coat!
Balthayzr> Chick fight alert! Chick fight alert!!!
Bloomers> Just like her, to bring a knife to a slap fight
MrBooze> Anyone else want the Pelvic Thrust of DEATH!
thX-II3B> Pelvic thrust o' death
Ironf> The fly girls back when they were just ok
MrBooze> Here, drink this sacred tall can of schlitz.
MrBooze> Watch her lips. She talks like an Creature Shop animatronic.
Plumm> Meanwhile, on Playboy's National Geographic...
Balthayzr> You can almost hear the gears grinding in her head.
Plumm> Oldy got dressed down in front of his new bitch.
Balthayzr> The casting call for barbarella continues...
Ironf> That's what you get for dissing Chase Masterson
Bloomers> I think someone needs a little RID and a big comb throughPrehis06.JPG - 9.73 K
Balthayzr> Scenes cut from "Shaft in Africa."
KevinL> My guess is the only reason this movie got made is so the director could see dozens of scantily clad women bobbing their heads in front of a giant phallus.
Ironf> and you brought a tent I see
Plumm> Calgon warriors, take him away!
MrBooze> There's only one man that hairy. It's Robin Williams!
Plumm> If all women were that forgiving, there'd be no point to the Springer show.
Ironf> slip her the 'ole white rhino one or two times
Balthayzr> You'll do anything I say? You'll go to the store and buy feminine hygiene products without whining?
thX-II3B> Prehistoric women who shave their pits?
Bloomers> Did she just steal her flea and tick collar?
thX-II3B> D'oh the rhino's stuck in first.
Balthayzr> I completely believe the rhino came to life and quit the picture.
KevinL> So, in Spanish, she'd be a gored-ita?
Bloomers> The rhio asked to be credited as Alan SmitheePrehis11.JPG - 10.00 K
thX-II3B> Listen, if that rhino leaves and you're not on it, you'll regret it.
MrBooze> Wow, if only all natives were this open-minded about the destruction of their religious heritage.
Ironf> Well it looks like the white devil actually helped them in this case
Balthayzr> This token gets you one free drink at the White rhino Bar and grill.
KevinL> He dreamed he spent several years enslaved to a tribe of beautiful, bikini-clad jungle women, and when he woke up, his pillow was GONE!!!
MrBooze> I learned that blondes have more rebellion.
Balthayzr> I learned it is possible to make a male fantasy look boring.
Ironf> I learned that Hammer films didn't produce a lot of quality stuff
KevinL> I learned that styrofoam rhinos don't make a decent false idol.
Balthayzr> I learned joe-Bob goes thru mail girls rather quickly.
MrBooze> I learned that Red Sonja is still on.
Balthayzr> I learned proper respect for Lawn Statuary.
thX-II3B> I learned you shouldn't touch your rhino too much, or it'll break.
Bloomers> I leaned that the horn may not satisfyPrehis13.JPG - 11.59 K

"Every room comes with a blonde in handcuffs."
"They are not for sale at the present."
"The King approcheth!"
"You're stuck here!"

Ironf knows that Jim Neidhart is the true White Rhino.