x193 RAVAGER (12/20/98)


Written and Directed by James (Last Gasp) Deck

Produced by John (Within The Rock) Fremes and Stanley (The Great Skycopter Rescue) Isaacs

To make the grand opening of the HomeGame Merchandise Section especially bittersweet, the Sci-Fi Channel thoughtfully provided another of its bug-ridden flight simulations. This one was intended as a live version of the Japanese anime series 'G-Force' but the cast forgot to wear their bird costumes. Certified actress Yancy (Drop Zone) Butler is saddled with a Yugo space shuttle and a crew roster full of chatroom aliases. There's also Sarra the Spare, the android offspring of Ro-Man and a crash test dummy. Their mission to gather graphic sound effects on the planet Ptang is sabotaged when a production manager from "Convict 762" siphons off the ship's fuel. The ship flops down in a Restricted Zone full of discarded bio-chemical weapons and Godzilla toiletries on clearance. Protecting their faces with the latest in hankerchief technology, the crew ventures outside in a desperate bid to pad out their time cards. The one named Clean has the poor luck to test some Ravager Anti-Organic Pro-Inflammatory Cologne on his wrist. Everyone tries to ignore his putrid make-over, obsessing instead on the physical well-being of fellow crewmember Doc. Conditions deteriorate when Dopey and Sleepy succumb to Clean's affliction. Ultimately, only two people survive. Any two. You pick 'em.

Scratch And Sniff
Balthayzr> Is this a Playstation Game?
BobDole53> No, it's my turn to carry the harmful chemicals.
Ironf> It's never good when the movie has the same name as the produciton company.
Balthayzr> Ravager Productions Presents Ravager, a Ravager Adaptation of a Ravager Idea....
BobDole53> hey, henry, go long!
BEMaven> obviously the smoking section of a bio-weapons plant.
Balthayzr> I bet Kane from the WWF *filmed* the beginning...
Bice> This camera work captures the feeling of having drank 24 Mooseheads almost perfectly.
Balthayzr> So, the Bunny Men from the Pentium commercials are stealing Hoover Floor Models?
Bice> Ravager. Now in convient pull-top cans.
Ironf> They purchaced the body sized condoms from the HG site.
Ironf> 34.99 while supplies last.
Bice> Any movie that has "30 years later" within the first five minutes is bound to be bad...
Balthayzr> Lara Croft!
Q> behold, the power of tweed.
Balthayzr> And now, the exciting Unpacking Montage!!
Balthayzr> How many years bad luck for denting a futuristic metal mirror?
Ironf> 12.5
Bice> But your lawyer can get it down to 4.7
Balthayzr> And we have Hallway Sign!!
Ironf> please keep your hands inside the car at all times.
Q> uh - why is bright sunlight streaming through the windows when it's cloudy and grey outside?
Ironf> ahhh crotch adjustment, the hallmark of any good film.
Balthayzr> Should I be scared that the future of Space Flight is Carnival Technology based?
Balthayzr> Estimated flight time to po-tang?
BEMaven> what if those seats double as toilets?
Q> five minutes in, and already we witness all the earmarks of a scifi channel original movie: a spaceship, no stars, vague story, things resolutely failing to happen, and hallways - lots of 'em.
Ironf> Not all Q, where are the pipes.
BEMaven> what kind of restraints do they have on the urinals?
Balthayzr> Wait, I remember this. Her eyebrows come to life and kill everyone.
Q> extraneous buffy the vampire slayer cast member #1 alert.
Q> and extraneous buffy the vampire slayer cast member #2 alert.
Balthayzr> Riiiiiiiiiiide the Ravager!
BobDole53> it's always comforting to know the exact time you will die.
BobDole53> yeeeeeehaw!!!!!!!!
Ironf> and then Wesley Snipes escapes out the back end.
BEMaven> and the ship turns upside down, forcing them to climp up to the propellor shaft.
Balthayzr> And, just like Trek, some idiot wired the control panels for 50,000 volts.
BEMaven> ...are they wrestling with the ship or the cameraman?
Q> oh no, the ship crash landed in a giant field of cocoa crispies!
Ironf> youch.
Q> whoah - computer just switched to transgender voice.
BobDole53> I'm afraid you can't do that Hal.
BEMaven> the computer is Glen/Glenda 9001.
Q> jeez - are you alright? are okay? are you alright? really, are you okay? are you? ARE YOU???
Ironf> goose.
Balthayzr> What is this ship, a flying Laser Tag Emporium?
Q> doc, are you alright? are you okay? doc, are you alright???
Ironf> I've got some poon-tang in Ptang waiting for me.
BEMaven> "we mount a mining expedition"? sayyyyy....
Ironf> Now presenting John Carpenter's: The Huh?
BEMaven> does that mean they're going to get it on with the crew of 'inside the rock'?
BobDole53> here's the deal we hit the bank come back to the ship and take off got it?
Balthayzr> Obviously, the budget ran out before the space suits were bought.
Balthayzr> "Man is always sushi"?
BEMaven> 'I'm sorry. I shouldn't burden you with my plot padding.'
* Q wishes for sandworm night crawlers.
Balthayzr> "Yea, but the sand bunker on the 5th hole is tricky, too!"
Ironf> plop.
Ironf> My hip!
BEMaven> he fell into a spare hallway.
Q> yeouch, aqua net must be murder on open wounds.
Q> he's dead - but is he alright???
Ironf> He died as he lived. Wet and smelly.
Balthayzr> So, having exposed him to a bio-chemical, we of course dragged him back to the ship.
Q> uh, chemical contamination? thank you so bloody much for telling me in advance...
Balthayzr> I'll say this, it does make a hell of a Bloody Mary mix.
Ironf> it puts the tang in Ptang.
Q> dammit jim, i'm a doctor not a biohazard throw pillow.
BEMaven> something more you can do? take him to a populated center while he's fresh.
* Q disco dances to strobing lights.
Balthayzr> They could all take turns licking it off him.
Balthayzr> BioHazard? He's contaminated with Industrial Metal Music?
Q> are...you...all...right???
BobDole53> now he's in the stage of denial.
Balthayzr> I hate putting Doc in a kennel before we go on vacation.
Q> and the computer acheives the miracle of puberty in 3.5 seconds
Ironf> g-g-g-good morning P-p-p-p-ee wee-ee-e-ee.
BobDole53> it's great that they rely on the computer that runs on the generator to tell them that the generator is going out.
BEMaven> pipe sign.
Q> thank you for that spotlight on doc's crotch, captain.
Ironf> We need to get Mr. Clean spic and span.
BobDole53> look I saw a starbucks nearby so I suggest that we pack up and stay there a couple hours.
Balthayzr> Wow. He took the bag!
Bice> I think they wanted us to think that Clean was hiding under that 10 oz bag.
BEMaven> yea, and the bag is full of....pipes.
Ironf> crack pipes.
Balthayzr> Could it be a plot point? A red herring???? Is the bag alright????? I MUST KNOW!!!!!
BEMaven> with just that bag, MacGuyver would have gotten the ship flying, Clean cured, and make the computer voice real butch.
Balthayzr> By now, Dr Who would have said "You're all too stupid to live, goodbye" and taken Sarah Jane Smith to the beach.
Q> by now, xena would have kicked everyone's ass and gotten some historical thing inacurate.
Ironf> By now I would have sold three Jim Duggan lawn gnomes.
Bice> By now Mulder and Scully would have searched a warehouse, looked enigmatic and added a new unsolvable plot twist to the pile.
Q> whew, that was close - closeup almost got him.
Bice> By now, Mr. Burns would have said "Simpson, eh?"
Ironf> always smart to make your biohazard cannisters razor sharp.
Q> hmm. lazarus. think that name'll turn out to be symbolic at all?
BEMaven> true, ironF...but the cylinder does have a child-proof cap.
Q> cleeeaaaaan! are you alright????
Q> coop, are you alright?
Q> oh by all means doc, handle that blood sample as much as possible, what with that open bleeding wound you've got and all.
Bice> Wow, that's almost as good as the microscope shrimp from that one MST ep.
Q> cool - so the virus is basically 3-d pac-man.
THX-1138> Yeah, you can really get good RBC magnification with that scope.
Q> so, will the virus be alright?
Balthayzr> Stop talking about his "limp" systems!
BEMaven> it will need a host? I recommend Jerry Springer.
BobDole53> one things for sure. were going to need some more pipes.
THX-1138> When did the Stanley Cup end up carrying a virus?
Q> captain, i have discovered diddly. i will keep you informed each time i discover more of nothing.
Balthayzr> Seeing as how they crashes about 5 days ago, COULD WE TURN OFF THE DAMN WARNING LIGHTS NOW????
THX-1138> Gotta look pretty for the Ravager.
Balthayzr> Chia Human! Makes a great gift!
THX-1138> Nice tube top big guy.
BEMaven> "i want to feel what it's like to be human". don't expect any help from the cast.
* Q is suddenly panicked by the thought that one of the secondary bolt fastenings on the ship's expresso machine may not be alright.
BEMaven> 'i want to like feeling humans'. No, wait.
Balthayzr> You think there's gonna be a credit for "Flashing Light Wrangler"?
BEMaven> I notice some pipes are missing on the set. Could be important.
Q> gasp - the yellow light stopped flashing - is it alright????
Balthayzr> I was kinda expecting a plot, by now. So, we both were wrong.
BEMaven> "no one knows about us, do they?" Certainly not after your performance.
* Balthayzr hears Classical Music and wonders if Mozart is Alright.
THX-1138> Computer interuptus.
Ironf> 'emergency intercourse'.
Balthayzr> Nice that they installed Plot Points 98 on the computer.
THX-1138> First Doc dies, is Gopher far behind?
Balthayzr> Nice doorway sound FX from Quake.
BEMaven> I prefer the sound fx from Quisp.
* Balthayzr gives BEMaven a nice bowl of Quangaroos.
THX-1138> Initiate Take Off You Hoser sequence.
Balthayzr> Let me in, or I'm gonna tell mom!!!
Balthayzr> So, what is this? We have an engineered virus that makes people turn into Professional Wrestlers?
BEMaven> yes, it's Nitro Ravager.
Balthayzr> Go! Now! Because we ain't gonna stop once we get on the freeway!!
Q> steeeelllllllaaaaaaa!
Ironf> pellllllllaaaa!
THX-1138> Now Yancy can get back to earth and marry Liv Tyler.
Balthayzr> The movie for this flight will be......."Evolver."
Ironf> Is Decker going to be hunting her when she gets back?
BEMaven> Is she one of those spares that can't operate over 50 mph?
Balthayzr> Nature abviously doesn't abhore a vacuum, since the Sci-Fi film vault hasn't imploded....
THX-1138> I learned too late that spares are a feeling creature.
Q> i also learned that the doc is not, under any circumstances, alright.
Q> anyway, before i go - is everyone all right? are you all okay? really, are you all alright?
THX-1138> Situation is normal, all fucked up.
Balthayzr> No, my blood stream is filled with 3-d pac-man imagery.
Ironf> other than seeing this stuff on tv, fine here.
BEMaven> well, Q, i have cuts on my hands and feet, i'm sleeping in a room full of bio-weapons and used hypo needles, and my air conditioner is spewing Seron. Other than that, things are fine.
Q> be: put in a nightlight, it'll make everything okay.

(Later renamed The Armstrong)
Last seen in "Ravager"
CLASS: Kamikaze
RANGE: Ship's computer voice can go from soprano to bass in 30 seconds flat
CREW COMPLEMENT: Four, plus a Spare
  • First and only class of ship to offer passenger seats that doubled as zero-gravity toilets.
  • Concept abandoned when crews began stealing the restraining mechanism for purposes unrelated to spaceflight.
  • Ships in this model line saw little use due to their tendency to crash during the pre-flight checklist.
  • Following the Ravager Incident, remaining models were decommissioned and refitted as thrill rides through toxic waste dumps.
Tongue Depressor
"You're a gosh-damned idiot."
"I'll be in and out in no time."
"Is it gonna be alright?"
"Words and sentences came easy...."
"I lost my purpose."
"I want to feel what it's like to be human."
"No one knows about us, do they?"

Can't Touch This
Commercial Counter-Sign:
Ironf> Q, you're a teacher, so that means you have plenty of money. Go check out all the new fine HG Merchandise from HG Industries.
* Bice enjoys the homemade Free-AOL-CD coaster he just made.
* Q pats iron on the head, charmed by his naivete.
* Ironf senses Q pondering a HG purchase.
BEMaven> 'buy our filth', ironF? cool, but i want a free rake.
* Q did not remember leela's costume having nipple pouches.
Ironf> we sell nipple pouches at the site.
Balthayzr> They make fine stocking stuffers.
* Bice is torn between ordering an ounce of HG1, or the Jonah-sized peanut flavored condom.

Travel Arrangements
Balthayzr> If I ever design a ship, I'll make sure there some sort of Quarantine Lab onboard.
THX-1138> And don't forget lots of pipes.
BEMaven> well, my spaceship would save money by being 100 percent hallways.
Balthayzr> Which would make room for more pipes.
Bice> By not having any flashing strobe lights, I'd guarentee that my spaceship would never crash.

They won't let BEMaven renew his organ donor card.