In the spirit of Master Ninja I and II, Prey dares to ask the viewer "Who's your daddy?" That's right folks, this "film" is as enjoyable as getting anal raped by JJ Holmes. Debra Messing "stars" as Dr. Sloan Parker, some sort of evolutionary genetic biologist who spends most of her days sitting in front of a HAL-1000 computer that has the magic ability to sequence the human genome in under a minute and discover new species in under an hour. Sure, she doesn't play around with flies or worms doing complementation tests, PCR's, RFLP's, or MSR's, but this is TV, so we'll let that slide. Apparently, a bunch of people are getting killed because they have discovered a new species of people that have no emotions, which gives them the ability to kill without remorse, or some crap like that. So, Messing tells her boyfriend about these people who differ from us Homo sapiens by 1.6% (a highly graphic and really easy to understand cladogram proves that to us). He doesn't believe her, but she shows him a piece of paper and explains the evolutionary change could be due to global warning or El Nino. Some FBI agent shows up, but it turns out he's one of these 1.6% freaks. In the end, he sneaks into her apartment and watches her undress. He's about to kill her, but instead opts to tell her about his species who are the next step up in Homo's. With the show's premise set up, he pulls an Angel by leaving through the window, we fade to black, and ABC has another hit on its hand.
PRODUCERS AND DECAY, PREDATORS AND PREY...
BryanL> TV sign!
BryanL> Pipes and a hallway.
BryanL> David Keith IS Supercop.
KevinL> So, how long before they introduce a good-guy Prey-dator?
BryanL> So, they're genetically enhanced to kick people in the ribs.
KevinL> Wait! Neanderthals were homo sapiens, though!
* BryanL suspects that two species can too share the same eco niche.
BryanL> They've got to Prey just to make it today.
Jamie> survival ... worry... who cares
KevinL> You know, this show seems to take for granted that "evolution" is for real. I'm calling Pat Robertson.
bowleg> Major Dad: the old years
Jamie> The crap is out there.
bowleg> So it's a movie about trailer trash relocating to greener pastures.
KevinL> Hey, they should put Nothing Sacred on after Prey, and have 2 hours of religious sounding TV
BryanL> The Chicken Lady from Kids In The Hall is a scientist now.
* bowleg just notices that he's watching the wrong channel
KevinL> "I'm gonna eat you, sucka."
bowleg> hah, it's gotta be tv. the protesters weren't hideous looking
KevinL> Doctor Coltrane, could you play the saxophone for the jury, please?
bowleg> and the movie kicks into high with mention of "semen samples"
BryanL> Then, he plays the race card, and everyone gets confused.
bowleg> meanwhile, at the biohazard institute for meandering subplots...
BryanL> A genetic anomaly! And there's a tiny Voyager heading right toward it!
KevinL> Lets go to an O2 bar.
BryanL> Her whole "bike thing" is going to get really implausable around episode three, at this rate.
Ironf> Hey hey it's the bloodhound gang.
BryanL> 1997, and the dot matrix printers are still running strong.
BryanL> Touch my monkey!
bowleg> Hey, there's a monkey on her back. literally. Oh, shoot me.
BryanL> You got blood in my genetic anomaly! You got a genetic anomaly in my blood!
bowleg> YOU WILL ALL GO NEGATIVE!
Ironf> You will all be bored!
bowleg> I think it's safe to say Prey isn't going to be very good.
BryanL> Further proof that network TV and science don't mix.
BryanL> I think it would have been funny if it had turned out to be fantastic, and we were all mesmerized and spellbound by the enthralling story it told.
*** Q (Q@pub-15-b-159.dialup.umn.edu) has joined #MST-HomeGame
BryanL> Q! Is there a genetic anomaly in your blood?
bowleg> Q, WE WILL ALL DIE!
bowleg> We better call in the Family Matters guy.
BryanL> It's a Prey thing.
bowleg> Here, have a urine sample.
KevinL> Here, we have a urine sample. Here, I don't have a sample.
bowleg> Richard Roundtree: The Doughy Decade
bowleg> Torn beeeeetween two loooosers....
BryanL> She was a chicken, I tell you! A giant chicken!
Q> what's with the femmy necklace? a father's day present from the olson twons?
Q> wow - there's no files in the entire fbi???
KevinL> John Cusack/DB Sweeney/Benjamin Bratt wannabe alert.
Q> someone in the pentagon must have installed windows 95
bowleg> I wanted to see if they had any information on your hair.
BryanL> Dead Man Boring.
Q> you think bartyles and james will keep you from dying?? what?
BryanL> This was much better in widescreen.
BryanL> Charles Manson plays footsie with Julia Louise Dreyfuss.
theMonitor> She's having really bad LSD flashbacks.
BryanL> I call Fakey TV Computer!
BryanL> Damn, I didn't think Viavoice ran that smooth on a 486.
KevinL> Combination of Brundle and Fly at genetic/molecular level.
Ironf> And she learns: A pig and an elephants DNA just won't splice.
Q> i officially dub that this series' catchphrase: ed, it's not human
KevinL> It's Hyooo-oo-oo-oo-man!
BryanL> Perhaps the 1.6% difference between her and him is due to the fact that she's a babe and he's a skuzzy murderer?
BryanL> Always include a lengthy cold calling sequence in your gripping series premiere.
Jamie> back. recap?
BryanL> Charles Manson is 1.6% different from a human. She knows. He might know. Surferboy knows.
BryanL> That's about it, Jamie.
Jamie> so, is this lady the "lead"?
BryanL> Oh, and the Chicken Lady is dead.
BryanL> And a besuited man threatens their burgeoning non-relationshipness.
BryanL> If this fakey Star Trek computer is in every episode, I won't be watching. I won't be watching anyway.
Jamie> Did the FBI guy tell you to log on to the JJ Holmes fan club page, too?
bowleg> Microsoft PowerPlotPoint
Ironf> Homo Suckus?
Jamie> How about... PREY!
BryanL> Homo Kill Us
Q> homo lonus 3
Jamie> Everyone knows killers are born that way.
BryanL> Amazing? Her computer did everything for her. She did squat.
Q> bry, which ep of xfiles were you reffing?
Jamie> Wow. four minutes, and I want to kill kill kill kill this show
KevinL> So, Jamie, after 8 minutes will you want to kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill this show?
Jamie> But I'm also getting subliminal messages to kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill people named Kevin.
bowleg> so the star of our "movie" is from one life to live?
* bowleg kills himself
BryanL> Please. The world didn't need a cross between Poseidon Adventure, Philadelphia Experiment, and Leviathan.
bowleg> Meanwhile, at lenscrafters
Jamie> Is the male lead a janitor?
BryanL> This would be a lot more shocking if we knew who any of these people were, or why any of them are doing anything they're doing.
KevinL> Make sure you back up your files to the lazy writer's most convenient plot device/reason to chase you ever.
bowleg> frozen stares of the ooooooold west
Q> people dramatically entering rooms, talking in them, and leaving!
Jamie> o my god, someone left sweat stains on her armrest!!!
BryanL> Boy, you can get genes from anything these days.
Q> i WILL find the formula for new coke!
KevinL> So, basically they get paid to collect spit and put it in little tubes. Cool.'
BryanL> Are they trying to be arty, or is the sound just fucked up?
Q> someone spilled surge on the soudntrack
BryanL> Sound mixed by Marlee Matlin.
KevinL> No, see, it's symbolic of their utter concentration and focus, all outside distractions are muffled.
BryanL> I love a good fast-walk chase.
bowleg> She's not paid enough to run
Ironf> go speedwalker go!
Jamie> So, the new race of superhumans are basically just better-dressed? Is that it?
BryanL> Look, lady. No matter how much it looks like it, this ain't no X-Files.
Ironf> these new humans have only one ass, they are of no use to me.
BryanL> And now she gets naked. Therefore she will be attacked.
BryanL> My god! This iced tea is 1.6% different from Lipton!
Q> he learned too late that womankind was a feeling creature
KevinL> Notice I called it.
BryanL> So, the Prey are emotionless. Is there any way this hasn't sucked yet?
KevinL> They don't feel pain, or remorse, or pity, and they absolutely will not stop until we are all dead.
* Jamie dies.
Session Close: Thu Jan 15 20:52:11 1998
KISS 1.6% OF MY ASS
"One point six percent!"