Most people don't know that the Punisher (tm) didn't originate with Marvel Comics, springing full-armorèd from the head of Stan Lee. No, the Punisher cycle originates in ancient Egypt, around the XVII Dynasty, where an avatar of Anubis, the jackal-headed god of death, would come to earth to rub out mobsters. In this modern extrapolation of the Punisher myth, Dolph Lundgren abandons his rightful Nordic heritage to become a swarthy Mediterraneany type (you can tell by his black hair), who sees his kids molested and then killed by Michael Jackson's death squads. The King of Pop then enters into an unholy alliance with the Yakuza to steal the Mafia's kids for a solid program of cotton candy, free horsie rides, sleepovers, and inevitably, a good thorough rogering. These Mafia children are played brilliantly by the cryogenically-frozen children from Invasion of the Neptune Men, made to look Caucasian by Jackson's cadre of ultra-loyal Mexican plastic surgeons. The Punisher then spends the rest of the movie pondering which cultural stereotype is the greater threat, the wops or the Japs. It doesn't really matter, Dolph kills everyone anyway.
DOLPH + GRECIAN FORMULA = PURE ACTION GOLD
Plumm> Marvel = Punisher = New World = New Line = Warner = DC
KevinL> Robert Mark Kamen, Robert Mark Sawren, Robert Mark Conquereden.
BEMaven> so they smashed the original credit sequence and replaced it with a night gallery rip-off
THX-1138> This opening gave kids in Japan seizures.
BryanL1> Stan "The Hack" Lee
mgrasso> oh, i read today in the paper that stan lee will be starting a group of superheroes who "gain their powers from the internet."
Plumm> It's called The Uncanny HG-Men.
Plumm> They all go to George Kennedy's School for Twisted Youngsters.
mgrasso> little tony difranco and the crime family?
THX-1138> Castle, owner of the Whitecastle burger chain.
KevinL> "Executive Consultant" Stan Lee = Producers: "Hey, Stan, can we make a Punisher movie?" Stan: "Sure!" Producers: "Have a bag of money."
BryanL1> I am the Punisher! In the name of love and justice, I will punish you!
mgrasso> another wop bites the dust.
THX-1138> Why that was a bootlegged tape! He really is a bad guy!
BryanL1> Frank Sinatra for mob music? That's an odd choice.
BEMaven> he's gonna frisk that wall paper.
Plumm> Look at all the mirrors. Must be Rob Liefeld's room.
BryanL1> Shot to the heart, and Dolph's to blame.
BryanL1> Oh, no! Plaster Mansion exploded!
THX-1138> Must be one of them hydrogen powered houses.
Ironf> that blewed up real good
KevinL> Beastie Boys: "I pissed of Frank Castle and I got blown up"
Plumm> The Punisher is very effective in es-ploding anyone who challenges the Cocaine Importation Agency's cartel.
Ironf> ahh nude time, unless they cut it
mgrasso> oh no.
mgrasso> no, no.
BryanL1> A little Lundgren ass, for the ladies.
Ironf> enjoy your dolf crack
mgrasso> "the punisher task force"? guess it's a redball, huh?
THX-1138> But Lou is no Pembleton.
KevinL> It's not 2am in the morning, it's 6pm in the afternoon.
Plumm> Berkowitz? Is the Son of the Sam in the area?
THX-1138> Sam and Berkowitz. Good sitcom right here.
BEMaven> hey, my last job interview was in front of an exploded mansion
BryanL1> That plucky cop's gotten her big break.
THX-1138> Sir, anyone tell you that you have an uncanny resemblance to Gordon on Sesame Street?
BryanL1> Nothing up your sleeve... PRESTO! It's a stereotype!
KevinL> Now gimme back my quarter or I'll cap you in the knees.
BEMaven> if the man and the kid start close-dancing, i quit.
BryanL1> He's the Mafia's John Lennon.
Ironf> Who knew that Niles was a mobster
BryanL1> Nothing like a Robin Williams cameo to spice up your movie.
KevinL> You know, the Chinese use the same word for consolidate and obliterate.
Ironf> I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a wiskey today
BEMaven> those drunks are recreating the writer's session.
THX-1138> Booze truck!
BryanL1> The trucks are alive! WE MADE YOU, TINY BOOZE TRUCK!
Ironf> HAH squealing tires on the RC Truck
BEMaven> Radio Shack...for all your boozing needs.
mgrasso> the punisher likes to tease alcoholics.
BryanL1> A boozy Jonathan Pryce wanna be makes an interesting sidekick.
BryanL1> Mr. Pee?
mgrasso> mr. pee? we're needed.
Plumm> So, Pun gives booze to an wino so he can find out how to destroy incoming coke shipments. Sounds like he's working for the alcohol lobby.
BEMaven> Dolf came as the Punisher but he has the face of the Hulk.
mgrasso> message for you sir!
BryanL1> What the hell are they throwing? It's like the Ninja Goodwill closed late tonight.
BEMaven> a crossbow. good thing the mobsters brought apples.
BryanL1> Boy, this movie has fewer survivors than The Usual Suspects.
mgrasso> oh no! bob and doug's van!
mgrasso> is she wearing an 8-ball jacket?
mgrasso> "you got a question? you ask the 8-ball."
BryanL1> Meanwhile, there's four dead turtles and a giant rat lying in his entryway.
BryanL1> And the Gorton's Fisherman is her fashion consultant.
THX-1138> Yakuza. It's a soy sauce.
BryanL1> Dr. Evil called. He wants his door back.
KevinL> I Yakuza my parents!
mgrasso> this is like "the cook, the thief, his wife and her lover." the color of the people's wardrobe changes as they move from room to room
BryanL1> The Cop, The Thief, His Dolph and Some Losers?
BryanL1> We are Yakuza of the clan MacLeod.
mgrasso> vioRENCE? oh please.
KevinL> Mob war. Simpson house. 6pm. Be there!
Ironf> When does her brother Captain Britian show up?
BryanL1> Still, at least the evil asian chick's not played by Joan Chen again.
Ironf> PUNISHER...come out and playyyyeeeeeaaaaaaaa
mgrasso> "i'm dolph lundgren for stubble-in-a-can."
BryanL1> Ms. Pac Man! This movie IS hip.
mgrasso> the police department has won three AL West pennants!
THX-1138> Punisher is working on Snap, the world's largest search engine.
mgrasso> dolph lungren: sly stallone's horrible doppelganger
Ironf> Is there a Frank Lungren?
BryanL1> Why is the prick speaking in rhyming couplets?
mgrasso> bryan: that's actually william shakespeare. he is immortal. there can be only one.
BEMaven> that drunk could play splinter without the make-up.
mgrasso> white slavery. these guys had their ears to the pulse of america's worries in the late 80s
Plumm> It takes a mafia.
BryanL1> They're dead now. Please no exposition.
mgrasso> so, there's british AND australian italians here?
THX-1138> Please it's eye-talians.
BryanL1> Sigfried and Roy are here.
mgrasso> or dago wop guineas, if you prefer.
BEMaven> it's amazing that all the world crime bosses are listed in the World Almanac.
Ironf> It crosses racial and geographical boundries, Grasso
mgrasso> ninja school! starring corey feldman and judy landers!
BryanL1> It's a 21 Kendo salute!
BryanL1> Thank you, Asian music sting guy.
mgrasso> it's aerobics, sonya-style!
THX-1138> Wha...what is going on? Where are we?
BEMaven> amazing. they had a bronze statue of keenan wynn.
Ironf> The sun'll come up....
mgrasso> would YOU buy these kids?
BryanL1> Apparently, the Mob finally "thought of the children".
KevinL> Or gay porn.
BryanL1> His flair for "rear entr..." damn you, Kevin.
BryanL1> Please, please think of the dubbed children!
Plumm> Jim Henson Mob Babies.
mgrasso> these two will make excellent pit warriors [/dubbed]
BryanL1> Apparently, mob wars are like child abuse. Unto the next generation.
BEMaven> why edit a kid's fight?
Ironf> but first, we must have a pie eating contest
THX-1138> Have some LSD. It will make you feel all better.
mgrasso> "no more tears. you'll be orally servicing a saudi prince soon enough!"
mgrasso> ok, that was a little dark.
BryanL1> Not -too- dark, though.
mgrasso> "password?" "kahlua mudslide"
Ironf> Gals love the turbin
BryanL1> Everyone at this party is David Lee Roth.
BryanL1> Except the bartender, who's Madonna.
BEMaven> if i see pamela lee here, i'll commit subuku.
mgrasso> come to the underground! we have the best transvestites in town!
THX-1138> At the push of a button, the whole casino disappears and Sinatra comes out singing about Mr. Booze.
BryanL1> It's not Sinatra. It's a White Lion cover of Mr. Booze.
BEMaven> so men come here to see women flunk their estrogen tests?
Ironf> What's up with the pucker and shoot?
mgrasso> it's good to see dolph's doing it for the kids.
BryanL1> So. Budda budda budda, pretty much.
BEMaven> what if he got the wrong address?
mgrasso> i'm thinking this movie could make even me be against violence in media.
mgrasso> this louis gossett moment brought to you by reebok
Ironf> Then Wesley Snipes and Sean Connery come walking in the door
BryanL1> And that stands for Yakuza, which doesn't, in fact, rhyme with pool.
Plumm> Oh, shit. I looked away and missed my favorite part, didn't I?
Ironf> what, the budda, budda, budda part
Plumm> When the Punisher stands on top of the pool table and slowly sprays everyone in the casino.
Plumm> I love that shit.
mgrasso> who is this guy?
Ironf> Your Friendly Neighborhood Stoolie
KevinL> Everyone, I give you the "remove the hat and reveal that it's actually a -woman-" gag.
BEMaven> good thing they forgot to wear their spiky boots.
* BEMaven envisions the Punisher crashing through the ceiling during Dinner and A Movie.
KevinL> Didn't Spiderman knock the Punisher off the Statue of Liberty at some point?
Ironf> Did they even spend 2 mill on this movie?
KevinL> So, he's being tortured by Jasmine Guy? Why doesn't she just show him old episodes of A Different World?
Ironf> cause Harlem Nights works so much better
Plumm> In the anime version of this, she tentacle rapes him.
mgrasso> "no, mr. dolph, i expect you to die!"
BEMaven> notice the henchwoman is standing on a tape mark?
Ironf> 'Oh no, outta web fluid!'
mgrasso> he's cribbing lines from robocop now?
Ironf> When will Sean Young get it through her head that she isn't gonna get the catwoman part?
mgrasso> so, this movie got stupid?
mgrasso> and now they've got to get out before the mother alien can produce another generation.
Ironf> It's just another day at Kathy Lee Industries
Ironf> Day Care has changed a lot from what I can remember
Plumm> Where are my goddam graham crackers, Punisher?
Ironf> Tommy rides the short bus.
THX-1138> Punisher, there's a gremlin on the side of the bus!
Ironf> Speed 3: The Punished
Ironf> You can't let the gunfire drop under 50 rounds a sec
KevinL> Just how bulletproof do you think the average city bus actually is?
BEMaven> you gotta go back! tommy forgot his lunch.
THX-1138> "You kept making the stops?" "They kept ringing the bell!"
Ironf> Ryder, for all your explosive truck needs
BEMaven> when did the Yakuza start recruiting caucasians?
Plumm> Ever since Gung Ho did boffo box office, BEM.
BEMaven> ...and lou gosset is still combing the sewers.
Ironf> makes more sense than his head, BEM
Ironf> see cause he's bald
THX-1138> Let me in? That was so homo.
THX-1138> He's a crappy mob boss if he can't get his son back.
THX-1138> "I don't know what the boss is gonna say about a yellow stain on the seat."
Ironf> Lou doesn't handle the comedic parts very well, does he
THX-1138> Filmed in blood vision
THX-1138> Did they explain why the kendo school was at red alert?
Ironf> not Sonny Chiba, but an incredible simulation of someone kinda like him
Ironf> That was a clear case of clipping
Plumm> Looking st the Punisher through puke-colored glasses.
BEMaven> dum-dum bullets. melt in your victim, not in your hands.
Ironf> Wait for the special trick ending
BEMaven> trick ending? Dolf pronounces something clearly?
THX-1138> I'm invincible!
THX-1138> Damn cheat codes.
Ironf> that's why you always aim for the head, dumb punisher
Ironf> My bottle of Ragu!
BEMaven> is that the trick ending? the mob boss faints at the sight of blood?
THX-1138> You fancy lad! You can't do anything right!
KevinL> Tommy would later lose his sight, hearing, and ability to speak, and spend his life hustling pinball to earn a living.
Plumm> So, are zebra geishas extinct now?
THX-1138> It's starting again, nooooo!
BEMaven> "the guilty will be pumiced"?
BEMaven> i'm still waiting for the trick ending.
Ironf> the trick is you wasted two hours on this
BEMaven> in that case, i need to borrow Tommy's gun.
STAN LEE APPEARS ON YOUR COMIC PAGES EVERY DAY
"I was the hooker."
"Where's the dope coming to?"
"Hi, I'm Peter bear, and I really care." *BLAM*
"I punish the guilty!"
"He'll keep you alive much longer than you want to be."
"I know what it's like to be given up on."
"What do you call 125 murders in five years?"
"See you in hell, Castle."
HERE COMES THE JESS IN BLACK
Plumm> Okay, Lamberti and any other Minnepolites...
Plumm> 1997: The city of Minneapolis is sprayed with chemicals used to test germ warfare techniques over a period of several months, in 61 seperate operations. It is assumed that the checmicals are hamless, but there is an oncrease in the rates for respiratory illness in the sprayed areas.
Plumm> How realistic does that sound to you?
BryanL1> That explains my bronchitis.
Ironf> when does the match for the 1000 lakes and the 1000 sand dunes go down
BryanL1> Kevin just thought I was a wuss, but it's really a conspiracy.
KevinL> Yeah, black helicopters came in the night and took your immune system.
Plumm> It's an anti-wuss conspiracy.
BryanL1> They were hoveringggggggggAH!
BryanL1> See, here's the thing. Outdoor Minneapolis is -real- well ventilated.
BryanL1> There's not a lot of inversions, smog, or pollution, and there -is- a lot of wind.
THX-1138> I bet the government installed Ventura as governor to aid in the cover up.
mgrasso> hell, as a former navy seal, he probably did the spraying.
KevinL> No, he was the Navy SEAL in charge of the fake black-bag op, so he's got dirt on the higher ups, who he blackmailed into fixing the election.
Plumm> It seems to refer to something else, so I'm trying to track down some further documentation.
KevinL> So where is this blurb from, plumm?
mgrasso> dale gribble's site.
Plumm> It's from a post to freerepublic by a guy named Michael Rivero.
Plumm> He did some CGI work on the Stargate movie, but he claims he was run out of Hollywood for his politics.
BryanL1> I bet he was run out of Hollywood for working on Stargate. If only the same had happened to Devlin and Emmerich.
Minneapolis, Minnesota. Election night, 1998. Most people didn't notice one of Governor-Elect Jesse Ventura's biggest supporters standing close by his side, yes, it's the "alien" from the cover of the Weekly World News, looking casual in his Heaven's Gate-Nike workout gear.