x187 REPTILE (11/28/98)


Directed by John "Mother Riley Meets the Vampire" Gilling 

Written by Anthony "Die! Die! My Darling!" Hinds


The Reptile, a documentary imported from England, finally allows Americans to see the horror that is Retilicus Femininus. The poor villagers that live with this strange and deadly creature allow the camera to invade their daily lives for about a week's time in order to capture the dread that each and every man, woman and child must live under with when one of these animals living in the neighborhood. It truly is a hellish existence than no person should be subjected to. So thank Bhudda that you live in the good 'ole USA. HOOOOOO! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!


Balthayzr> Not fully LetterBoxed, but an incredible simulation!!!!
Ironf> Shadows and you, a film by Renaldo
BEMaven> get in the mansion quick before Corman burns it down!
BryanL> Potsie looks like crap with a moustache.
BryanL> He got bitten by a blackface monster. He's Al Jolson now.
Ironf> ohh they put money into giganto-titles
BryanL> The Reptile! A horrifying tale of a boy who played one too many games of Mortal Kombat.
Balthayzr> Does it really help to empty the bedpan *right* outside the house?
BryanL> So this is a period piece taking place anywhere between 1820 and 1940?
Balthayzr> You can tell he's the hero. he has the Official Hero's Chin (tm).
Balthayzr> Let me use this rubberband to demonstrate why you're too young to get married.
BryanL> They're all hiding in your gigantic coat.
Ironf> What kinda person can't say HELLO ON THE STREET??!
BryanL> That bird's got coalmine written all over it.
BryanL> Back then, they were village idiots. These days, they're "conspiracy buffs".
Balthayzr> Always nice when the town looney works the Welcome Wagon.
Balthayzr> You know, these Avon people just don't even try any more....
BryanL> It's a dream come true! And your brother only had to die to provide us with it!
Balthayzr> His brother's Death-Throws must have been horrific. What a mess.
BEMaven> I suppose they didn't notice the giant ants sneaking out of the back of the cottage.
Balthayzr> Geez, you can still see Basil Rathbone's footprints in the mud....
BryanL> They call me Mad Peter, because my penis is completely insane.
Balthayzr> Early Street Mime experiments went badly, at first...
BEMaven> bet the old coot was kicked out of Wales for making crop squares.
Balthayzr> This is beginning to look like a 1890's X-files episode.
Q> so, has the level of the film so far pretty much been set by the belching scene?
Balthayzr> You can tell he's mad, because of the amount of lip spittle he owns.
Balthayzr> In this town, it's considered good luck to have a Madman choke to death in your kitchen.
Balthayzr> I take it her hat size is somehow related to her emotional state.
Ironf> Would you like a small bite of the cinna-bun I have on the back of my head?
BryanL> Our Hero is already in Stage 2 of his Andy Capp training.
Balthayzr> Less is Moor, I guess.
Plumm> Less is MOOP!
Q> this is what cher would look like in victorian england
Balthayzr> This guy has all the facial emotion range of Clutch Cargo.
Balthayzr> One form of entertaining in Victorian England was having a large Sweating Party.
Ironf> The early days of Rohypnol
Q> daddy likes some discipline, he does
Balthayzr> Uh, did people back then smoke animal horns often?
JAMMER-427> Play that sitar music white boy
Balthayzr> Yes, animal cruelty to make a point is a concept all fine film makers understand.
BryanL> Boy, I sure do hope it's not Sitar Lady who turns into a reptile. Half-breed. That's all she'll ever hear.
THX-1138> That guy soooo wants to be a James Bond villain
Balthayzr> You know you're a boozehound when your bartender brings a big box to your house.
Plumm> Have you left your retinas unattended at any time? Did you pack your retinas yourself? Did anyone ask you to hold their retinas for you?
Balthayzr> I've seen pictures of this monster. Please make sure all liquid beverages are secured when she comes out.
Q> so then, as now, england's moral message was that india is evil. did i miss anything?
BEMaven> oh, for Christ Sake, the daughter is a were-Cobra. Get on with it!
Balthayzr> Why does every monster movie that takes place in a small English village mainly invole running back and forth between cottages?
BryanL> British monster movies are kind of a cottage industry, Balth.
Plumm> It smells Brtishy in here, pip wot?
Q> hello darkness my old friend...
THX-1138> Isn't that the Flukeman?
Balthayzr> And the Pilot Pen still writes! Even after severing an artery!!
Plumm> Hush, Hush, Dumb Limey.
Balthayzr> Dueling Male Pattern Baldness!
Q> harry, stop making the saints cry!
BryanL> Looks like that's all the Reptile we'll be getting for another 15 minutes or so, better make it last.
BEMaven> Fer heavens sake, turn on the Mongoose Signal.
Ironf> Hot rubber suit beating
BryanL> Hey. People walking around a mansion in the dark. What were the odds.
BryanL> Um, movie? Showing us a guy asleep on a couch isn't actually DOING SOMETHING or GOING SOMEWHERE.
Q> fergoshsakes, you guys survived nazi bombing in world war two! surely something bigger than dimly lit rooms must scare you!
BryanL> The british are scared of any food not wrapped in bacon, if Two Fat Ladies is any guide.
* Q tries to pretend everyone in this movie is peter davison to see if that will make it better, and sadly finds that it doesn't work
Ironf> What if they were all Peter Tork?
Balthayzr> Wow, 10 pages of script with the words "sneak about" typed in over and over.
Plumm> Why are they wrestling near an open urinal?
THX-1138> Sorry, movie, 5 minutes of dialogue does not make up for 20 minutes of people walking around in the dark.
Balthayzr> Uh, weren't Victorian Women allowed to touch doorknobs?
BryanL> How about a little ironic comeuppance, Scarecrow?
Plumm> Most directors like to shoot at twilight, this guy opted for 4:20.
JAMMER-4271> To The Boring Mobile!!!
Ironf> work that tongue baby
Q> hey dung - you came in at the best possible time for this movie
dungarees> The end?
Q> indeed
THX-1138> Well, that was very...english.


"Pull my hand"
"This is an evil place...corrupt and EVIL!"
"Please do not force me to form opinions I am not fit to give!"
"Everyone liked Mad Peter"
"Are you interested in animals?"
"She's making my snake rise!"


To further your knowledge of reptilian entertainers, HG Industries now presents this intricately researched sidebar.

The Gorn may be one of the most famous reptilian character actors in the biz. His big shot at stardom came at the hands of William Shatner. You may not know is that originally Shat was to fight a giant monkey. But when Shat saw the Gorn in the prop room, it was love at first sight. From there his career skyrocketed to the top. Then he disappeared all of a sudden. It was recently discovered that he had fallen in with the wrong crowd, shooting up in back alleys. We can only hope that he has since become clean and sober.

Young Bossk grew up watching a distant relative of his bask in the limelight. He was a cousin of the Gorn, but their families didn't get along all that well. Hence, Bossk had to work for everything that he wanted in life. This allowed him to be the lizard he is today. After his cameo role in a very popular movie, he moved back home and started starring in features of his own. He became a big lizard in a small bowl. He didn't mind, though. He had finally realized his dream of being a star and having others look up to him.

Sssss is lesser-known, but nevertheless a reptilian actor extrordinaire. He has mostly stuck to off-Broadway work, with some operatic parts when he was available. Sssss enjoys the freedom afforded him by working outside the big Hollywood studio projects. He enjoys walking down the street without people bothering him.

The aliens from V were possibly the most famous reptilians of the small screen. After appearing in two somewhat-well-received tlevision miniseries, they were offered their own weekly show. Unfortunately the powers that be, namely the producers, directors and network suits, responding to hemmoraging Nielsens by upping the moron quotient, and the series was terminated. Most of the actors have now moved back to their home planet and work bit parts.

Everything has a seedy underside. I now invite you to feast your eyes on the black sheep of reptilian entertainment. He almost always prefers to work in the background, as a director or writer. This allows him more freedom to turn the entertainment world into his dark domain. Please be wary of ever having to work with this individual because he is known to consume the bodies of others once he is done with them.

Ironf speaks with a forked tongue.