x113 REPTILICUS (4/24/98)

Written by Ib "Death Race 2000" Melchior and Sidney "Angry Red Planet" Pink
Produced by Samuel Z. "Blacula" Arkoff and Sidney "Man From O.R.G.Y." Pink
Directed by Poul "Onomatopoeia" Bang and Sidney "Journey to the Seventh Planet" Pink

Forget the fact that this movie is the bastard child of Fox's Gargantua and Secret Agent Super Dragon. Forget the lame hand puppet monster that regenerates from a petrified turd. Yes, even forget Petersen, the dim-witted retard who would've undoubtedly been a cheese-eating Packers fan, had his ancestors emigrated to America. The reason we were all there? To say goodbye and honor the memory of Andre Ontor Bowleg Xenu Pertawst Conrad Bain III. Why he left, no one will ever know. Why he picked this steaming pile as his farewell performance we also will never know. Bowleg now joins the great Home Game Hall of Fame, along with James Bond sidekick Q and notorious filth merchant and publisher of Screw Magazine, Al Goldstein.

Balthayzr> Fun fact: The scenes of Reptilicus flying were cut because they looked "Too Fake" Hoo-boy.
BryanL> Mr. Pink!
mgrasso> mr. pink sounds a little too much like mr. pussy
BryanL> We've struck Blood! We're rich! Call the Red Cross!
Balthayzr> Who wants a wing?
Ironf> So they just drilled into it's head and it's dead now. The End.
BryanL> This is the grandest old white hat party of all.
KevinL> So, it's Austin Ghost Reptilicus Iceman Warrior Demolition Man Powers?
Balthayzr> Official CopenHagen font.
Balthayzr> Well, it's dubbed like a giant lizard movie, anyhow....
Bice> I have never seen. Wooden acting. Like this. Before.
Djenk> Shatner. Acting. Technique. At. Work
mgrasso> jeez. this movie could be 58 minutes if he just spoke more quickly
BryanL> Gigantic! A big big love!
Balthayzr> Nodding: Your guide to Acting when you have no idea what's going on...
Ironf> Nice to see Steven King in another movie.
mgrasso> it's scott thompson's dumb guy from kids in the hall
Balthayzr> "Can I pet the reptilicus, george?"
MrBooze> If it gets too hot, I want you to take this bucket and carry all the heat out.
BryanL> Ah, yes. Puttin' the dumb guy in charge of keepin' the monster from hatching.
MrBooze> Up next on the World's Craziest Records, we travel to Copenhagen where scientists have preserved the longest recorded continuous piece of human excrement ever found...
mgrasso> "our little denmark..." people have such cute names for their genitalia
BryanL> This movie just redefines the "walk-on".
BryanL> Regeneration. You know, usually brought on by a magical ring.
MrBooze> A mouse can lose it's tail, then have it soldered back on.
mgrasso> product placement: i could really go for a "nordisk electric"
KevinL> I don't really get what's supposed to be so scary about this movie. I mean, it's not like the reptilicus will grow to giant proportions, break out of it's giant tank, and destroy it's creators, who arrogantly thought they could control the forces of nature or anything.
Djenk> And now...the worlds worst electrocution impression
THX-1138> Did they explain why the open electric eel tank was sitting in the hallway?
MrBooze> I bet if you shoved that flashlight up his ass and turned it on his head would light up like a jack-o-lantern
mgrasso> "why not tri a holiday in danmark this year?"
Balthayzr> And, they edited in a travelogue to pad out the film.
BryanL> Footage purchased at the Denmark Stock Exchange.
Balthayzr> One night in Denmark makes a hard man humble....
KevinL> She's -really- Danish. She's wearing a wooden bra.
Ironf> Why is she singing into a shower head?
Balthayzr> The haunting love theme from....Reptilicus.
Djenk> My goodness, this is sure toe-tapping stuff....Lawerence Welk would be put right to sleep
Bice> Remember when Tivoli Night was #1 for five straight weeks. Me neither.
KevinL> Danish scat.
BryanL> How, exactly does this qualify as either "American", a "Movie", or a "Classic"?
mgrasso> ew.... reptlicus just made the tank a little warmer...
Djenk> The Dr was survived by his bifocals....
mgrasso> and brigadier lethbridge stewart takes over the operation for UNIT
Balthayzr> Ahhhhh!!! They hung the eggplants!!!
THX-1138> We will mount the biggest and most complicated Risk game known to man! Bwahahahaha!
MrBooze> Danish sportscars ROAR into action!
mgrasso> "if you'r ein trouble, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... the dane-team."
Djenk> A BBQ Chicken...the HORROR
mgrasso> for once, they *didn't* mutilate the cattle
Ironf> Our only hope is to lure the Loch Ness monster out and over the ocen to fight it.
BryanL> You know, as bad as this is, it's still going to be better than Devlin and Emmerich's "Godzilla".
Djenk> I'm going in there and shooting that Repitilicus bastard myself!
mgrasso> wow. that is *gay*
Ironf> I totally belive that is a giant Reptilicus. Totally
Bice> Still, it looks more realistic than the werewolfs from Werewolf.
KevinL> No matter how much they shoot it, they can't stop it from relentlessly swaying in place and shrieking.
BryanL> Great. Now it's gonna regenerate again.
MrBooze> And Reptilicus holds up a giant pack of MENTOS...the end.
mgrasso> ed begley jr. as omar bradley in "reptilicus: the longest day."
KevinL> Why doesn't one soldier just walk up behind it and stab it in the back of the neck?
Djenk> Why did they keep switching to Super-8 film stock?
KevinL> That thing can really hold it's ground, being completely incapable of movement and all.
mgrasso> just run a hot rod into him and dive out! whoops. wrong giant lizard-monster movie
BryanL> At least it's voice isn't completely and utterly annoying.
mgrasso> o/~ "in the navy.." o/~
Ironf> 100 men go out to sea, 50 couples come back.
Balthayzr> Look! The New love Boat!! Attack!!!!!!
Djenk> Sited Repticilus. Sunk Same
Balthayzr> When did the navy start glass-bottom boat tours?
MrBooze> The Craw?
BryanL> No, not the Craw, the Craw.
Bice> What the fuck's a Robster Craw?
MrBooze> Danish Beach Party!
MrBooze> Danish Matte Shot!
mgrasso> swedish pop music... swedish brunettes love it! all three of them!
Djenk> WGNC....Generic Music...24 hours a day
BryanL> Frankie and Annette were layin' on the sand, when Frankie got a letter from his Uncle Sam...
mgrasso> and now, back to feelyat!
THX-1138> Reptilicus money shot!
MrBooze> So what are we supposed to imagine is happening to these people? That they feel all icky and need to shower?
*** andro (bowleg@tr-tc-ppp58.monmouth.com) has joined #MST-HomeGame
THX-1138> That money shot riff is devoted to Ontor Pertawst
BryanL> We are gathered here today, to pay tribute, to the guy who'se an hour late for his own swansong. :)
andro> So Reptillicus is sort of a thinking man's Manda, huh?
Bice> Maybe the soldiers should leave the *real* city and head for the miniature city the Reptilicus is in.
mgrasso> captain stuebing is all that stands between copenhagen and reptilicus
andro> I suppose a Gamera reference would be considered horribly quaint.
BryanL> Make all the Gamera refs you want, Andre. This is your night to shine.
MrBooze> The Danish: The Lemmings of northern Europe.
KevinL> Just feed Reptilicus some lutefisk already. That shit'll kill anyone.
BryanL> No, the Stock Footage Exchange.
mgrasso> there was heavy trading on the danish stock exchange today, with a lot of reptilicus on the floor
Balthayzr> Well, my broker is reptilicus, and he says....
* Ironf listens
mgrasso> i need two hard-boiled eggs, a coil of magnesium, and a playboy from 1974
andro> This film depicts a certain harsh realism missing from today's movies.
mgrasso> hopefullly, there'll be no footage of the hitler building here
BryanL> It's the Battle of the Line. The sky was full of stars, and each one, an exploding Danish tank.
Balthayzr> Reptilicus is fleeing to the suburbs, just like all the white people.
Bice> "Penetrated the line" "Concentrated firepower"...this movie's getting me hot.
MrBooze> You know why the Danish will lose? They don't have an annoying small child to help them.
andro> Atlas King in a role that will sound foreign.
THX-1138> So the plan is to sneak a gallon of date rape drugs into Reptilicus' drink? Sounds good.
SirDude> Take the bigest, juciest guy you can find, fill him with the drug, then feed him to Reptilicus.
MrBooze> Get me Rob Pilatus!
THX-1138> We'll feed him lots of apples
MrBooze> Mentos?
Bice> Colt 45 should do the trick.
Balthayzr> Olestra?
andro> Zantrix.
BryanL> Yes. Fistfuls of crank.
andro> Baking soda mixed with chlorine.
Balthayzr> Prozac? I hear it's a killer.
MrBooze> Call the Swedes! We need Absolut!
valeyard7> Feed him some Salt Peter. That will shrink the little guy up for sure!
BryanL> They could borrow the giant hypodermic from "Amazing Colossal Man..."
mgrasso> we blinded him with science!
Balthayzr> Sir? We've run out of original music. Now switching to stock.
andro> Chemistry and guys with Pointy Eyebrows: A Partnership for Progress
BryanL> Point blank oral penetration.
Bice> The entire dialog of this movie could be taken as sexual innuendo...
mgrasso> reptiles are visiting from europe!
MrBooze> Okay, now lets get everyone in copenhagen to take a little piece and keep it in their freezer.
Balthayzr> The moral of the story: Keep plenty of drugs around.
andro> Sidney Pink.
MrBooze> "IB Melchior"?
andro> The my three sons theme?
Balthayzr> So, what did we learn?
Balthayzr> I learned that a man with a Play-Do monster maker could take over Denmark.
valeyard7> I learned that sock puppets are nothing to fool with
BryanL> I learned that Denmark has a vivid nightlife and many tourist attractions.
mgrasso> i learned that there are movies that are *perfect* for the HG
THX-1138> I learned drugs and monsters don't mix.
Djenk> I learned that a Danish Gallon is very small
Ironf> I learned that date rape drugs aren't always a bad idea.
andro> I learned to use powerful drugs on the job and in times of national crisis.
Balthayzr> I learned that reptiles can regrow brains and skulls and teeth and....
valeyard7> I learned that if you are a monster and you attack Denmark, please be polite and cover your mouth when you sneeze
KevinL> I learned that Danes shouldn't make movies. Or be allowed to live on as a race either. Genocide, anyone?
MrBooze> I learned that everyone should have an electric eel in a tank in their hallway.
Djenk> I learned that "AMC" stands for Any Movie (we) Can (get our hands on)
Balthayzr> Alotta Movie Crap.
andro> Asanine Mulch Compost
Djenk> Aggrivated Monsters Careening
SirDude> Awfull Movie Crud.
Ironf> Anyone Much Care?

"Henry, as an American, you've drilled all over the world."
"Since when must I tell you how to find a man?"
"I have never seen bone fragments. Like this. Before."
"Most of them are victims of that burning acid slime."
"Then we'll clobber him with our heavy stuff."
"What if I used my heavy weapons? A bomb!"
"There's one place I think we can penetrate..."
"You'll have to fire point-blank at very close range."
"Let's go!"



Crappy movie fact #32: Reptilicus was such a cult hit in Europe that a pair of Icelanders used the movie as the inspiration for the name of their experimental music group. They cite their influences as Friedrich Nietzsche, Old Norse epic poetry, and other heart-warming Nazi-esque aspects of their Teutonic heritage.

As far as flying lizard movies go, mgrasso prefers Q, The Winged Serpent.