x320 RETURN TO THE LOST WORLD (09/18/99)

Directed by Timothy "Shaken, not stirred" Bond
Written by Harry Alan "Castle of Fu Manchu" Towers
Produced by Frank "Heidi" Agrama, Michael L. "Kickboxer 5" Games, Daniele "Incident at Victoria Falls" Lorenzano, Norman "The Lost World" Siderow

In the sequel to "Not 'Jurassic Park: The Lost World,' The Other Lost World Based On Arthur Conan Doyle's Novel," we're once again reunited with our plucky cast of explorers. As established in the first movie, there exists a "lost world" where dinosaurs have evolved from men and still walk the land and fly the blue skies. When evil Belgians decide to exploit the "lost world" by using it as dumping ground for old Van Damme movies, John Rhys-Davies, as Challenger, slides in to the rescue. Accompanying Rhys-Davies is Will from "Will and Grace," David Warner, and some other people who die. Lots of non-impressive CGI and puppet dinosaurs show up to move the "plot" along and the movie ends with a giant volcano erupting. Also, Challenger, like the shuttle, blows up from eating too many native beans. When all is done, Sci-Fi has another fine film they can show between re-runs of Lexx and Shred can marvel at the movie's "Alien Voices" greatness.

RetLW02.JPG Trademark> Kinda like a piss-poor Bond theme, run through a blender, then remixed for the dance clubs.
Bice> I heard this music when I hit the "demo" button on a toy keyboard.
ReaperG> Wouldn't it be The Found World by now?
Balthayzr> Time to play "How many stars stayed for the sequel" game.
THX-1138> Editor...yeah right, he probably just changed a word or something
ReaperG> Introducing and saying goodbye to...
Balthayzr> This is Cult of the White RHinocerous again, isn't it?
TLister> Screenplay by Armondo: Age 13
zigra1> I think this music is writing checks it can't cover
MAClear> The dinosaurs were made by Jim henson...AFTER HE DIED
THX-1138> They were made from the skin of his corpse
Balthayzr> The Gods Must be Idiots.
THX-1138> I'm gonna work you like Kunta Kinte
Balthayzr> They're gonna strip him and tie him to a chair, aren't they?
zigra1> So they're on an expedition to blow up puppets
Balthayzr> ANd Earl Sinclair shows up.
BEMaven> he shot a Squirtle.
Balthayzr> Now you're gonna have to buy Fred Flintstone a new derrick.
THX-1138> He believed he could fly. He believed he could touch the sky
Balthayzr> "See? I told you black people can't fly. You owe me a Coke."
BEMaven> 'it's okay. i broke the fall with my spine.'
MAClear> This was 1914. They treated everything with boiling water and morphine back then.
THX-1138> They just bought a whole case of Maruchan noodles at the Price Club
MAClear> He got tossed off a mountain and the only thing he needs is a bandage? RetLW04.JPG
THX-1138> They don't build tribesman like this anymore. I mean these days, you throw one off a cliff and he'd never survive the fall and being moved several miles.
BEMaven> thank god the water was boiling. if it was tepid, he'd lose the use of his legs.
Balthayzr> Ah, the boiling water was for tea. Bloody British.
Balthayzr> Seems the cure involves kidnapping the white man who did this and driving a spike thru his crotch.
MAClear> Man, every place that's not America really sucks.
THX-1138> Take your tiger skins and punjab them up your ass
TLister> I see Billy Zane in that role in the remake
MAClear> "Hey, how much you think we can get for the white woman?"
THX-1138> Going south, eh? Kink-ay
Balthayzr> Huh. Western Union has an office in the Lost World.
ReaperG> Can't they wait 60 million years for the dinosaurs to turn into oil?
Balthayzr> I never knew Arthur Conan Doyle was such an ecological Terrorist.
MAClear> Warner'll have to wrap this up quick because he has to do episodes of Star Trek, Babylon 5, Farscape, First Wave, and Earth:Final Conflict.
BEMaven> the origin of the Oronoco? didn't Enya write that paper?
Balthayzr> Think this guy has milked his part as comic relief in the Indy Jones movies enough?
TLister> And Warner order's the cob salad
Balthayzr> Always pack your david warners with extra padding. They're fragile.
ReaperG> And the kid dies from the stench of the filth Rhys-Davies made in the crate, the end
MAClear> These two are chewing scenery by the acre.
Balthayzr> Mr. Burns continues his plot to steal the school's oil.
MAClear> Whose brilliant idea was it to drill for oil in a remote dinosaur infested part of Africa?
THX-1138> If the dinosaurs didn't die here, how can there be oil? RetLW08.JPG
Balthayzr> That oil derrick looks like it was built by the Little Rascals.
MAClear> Damn, the one time he has money and he's a thousand miles from the nearest strip club
Balthayzr> Yay! The character actors we ordered have arrived!
Balthayzr> And the Crock Hunter shows up and wrestles the giant fish.
MAClear> Africa looks a lot like Cailfornia
TLister> If you watch the background, you get to see the X-men in one scene
BEMaven> 'thanks for the rescue. i can get along fine with one buttock.'
TLister> They're both naked from the waist down, aren't they
MAClear> Proof that all foreign girls are sluts
Balthayzr> Yes, put on a shawl. I understand nights on the jungle equator get very chilly.
BEMaven> Gomez's career has blossomed since he quit working for that organ grinder.
Balthayzr> Everyone down! Get on the floor! Everyone walk the dinosaur!!
TLister> They need a Mario with a de-evoler gun
BEMaven> apparently, the T Rex is just a large head and one leg.
THX-1138> ISn't that Forrester's 3-headed pet?
Balthayzr14> So, these poor African natives worship hand puppets.
Balthayzr14> That's African for "You fucking LIAR!!"
MAClear> has anyone else ever heard of drilling for oil and striking a volcano?
THX-1138> I've heard it happens to Jonah a lot
Balthayzr14> That was one handsome Pimp Stick the chief had.
BEMaven> 'nice cave painting. but i don't remember mine being so stubby.'
MAClear> In their religion, the gods shove bot pokers up their own butts.
Balthayzr14> What does being a god pay, anyways?
THX-1138> Not much, but you get a lot from the speaking engagements
Balthayzr14> Just drop a big rock in it. Always worked for Superman.
MAClear> "Wow, what a cheezy looking puppet...I mean, wow a dinosaur."
Balthayzr14> There must be a tribe somewhere in Africa, judging by how often they show up in movies, that boots all women without body hair out of their tribes.
TLister> In the background, Eddie Murphy is picking out a wife RetLW09.JPG
MAClear> I can see why the natives would never want to leave all this
THX-1138> And that's when the felon got me. He told me to bring him food and a file to break his chains
zigra1> So that guy was just waiting in the bush for any 8-year-olds who came along?
TLister> Gunga Roy, bring water
THX-1138> I bet the exploding volcano was set off by H-bombs planted by Xenu
BEMaven> why doesn't Rhys-Davies just plug the volcano by sitting on it.
MAClear> I also created an explosive. I call it ME-ite
BEMaven> 'i named the new explosive after myself... Fat Boy.'
MAClear> "Me, mad? I'm walking around through an active volcano and they dare to callME mad?"
BEMaven> it's one of those rare volcanoes that doesn't emit toxic fumes.
Balthayzr14> "I can't believe this stupid ride was 2 "E" tickets!"
BEMaven> 'thanks for breaking our bridge, Fatso.'
Balthayzr14> Good thing he wet his pants. Keep the fire off them.
MAClear> The chief could open a line of store called B'Lala Republic
BEMaven> with each passing moment, Challenger looks more and more Portugese. not a good sign.
Balthayzr14> So, saving an ancient civilization is a lot like taking the Physical Challenge on Double Dare?
TLister> And they run into Dark Crystal people going the other way
MAClear> Oh well, just us girls left. Do you like Melissa Etheridge?
BEMaven> no wonder Africa is an impoverished land. the natives can only get work as extras in crappy movies.
MAClear> back then people were taught not to aim directly at their targets
THX-1138> In the end, he'll get shot and fall onto the detonator
Balthayzr14> ANd Chevy CHase holds the wires together and saves the satellite.
Balthayzr14> And every year, to celebrate this day, the chief is tossed off a cliff, and a native boy is tossed into a volcano.
BEMaven> the volcano vommited the boy. yay! RetLW11.JPG
Balthayzr14> This ended just like "Caddyshack".
BEMaven> fortunately, little Jimmy was not a virgin. the volcano wanted nothing of him.
Balthayzr14> "You idiots! You blew up our Theme Park!!"
MAClear> Okay, you got one kiss. Now I go back to being frigid.
Balthayzr14> Hold your ass boy, so I may mount!
BEMaven> percy, all the way back from London. saving a really big dump for the cast.
MAClear> I'm glad they tied up that subplot. I'd have killed myself if I'd never found out what happened to percy.
Balthayzr14> It was made possible by a Grant from Mobil Oil.
Balthayzr14> Moral: People who don't speak perfect english are either evil, or primative.
MAClear> Other moral: native African girls are really hot and like to walk around in their underwear.
BEMaven> yes. but they're durable. feel free to toss them off cliffs.
Balthayzr14> Moral 3: Keep your hand-puppets locked up safely.
BEMaven> Moral 4: leave Challenger at home when you're crossing bridges.
Balthayzr14> Moral 5. Be Nice to your furniture.
MAClear> Moral 6: Uptight women who cover their entire bodies always fall in love with gay photographers.
Balthayzr14> Moral 7: Avoid strange airplanes.
BEMaven> Moral 7a: drilling for oil on plateaus only leads to heartbreak.
zigra1> Moral #8: Always make your oil pipelines dinosaur-proof
Balthayzr14> Moral 9: When in doubt, borrow from better movies.
MAClear> Moral 10: areas on top of active volcanoes infested with giant man-eating dinosaurs are a great place to drill for oil
BEMaven> moral 10, subparagraph C: never fuse your explosives with crappy British wire.
zigra1> Moral 11: Don't make rope bridges from fuses
Balthayzr14> Moral 12: Anime is creepy.
Balthayzr14> Moral 13: When your in trouble, just call Character Actors!
zigra1> Moral 14: White people can solve anything
BEMaven> Moral 15: the British would *never* think of subduing natives and trampling their culture.
BEMaven> Moral 16: let the Krauts keep Belgium.

"Bring him into my quarters."
"I need boiling water!"
"They're like piranha, only worse!"
"I suggest we start running now."
"Are you gonna leave me tied up like this all night?!"

THX-1138 needs to return to where he last put his keys.