x21 THEODORE REX (10/18/97)

Writer/Director/Failure: Jonathan R. Betuel
Producers: Richard Gilbert Abramson, Sue Baden-Powell

What can be said about Theodore Rex? One could say that is was a film about a dinosaur. One could run in horror. Truly, this was the tour-de-farts Whoopi tried to keep from the waiting eyes of the American public. But, lo, a knight on the U.N.'s horse came riding in from Atlanta, and his name was Ted. His dynamite television network wanted something original -- and all the good Indians had already been profiled. But Chief Joseph never had gas like this! This TNT "Orginal" is a buddy cop movie with methane as its lethal weapon. What happens when Officer Whoopi is paired with dinosaur partner Teddy? Will they get the bad guys? Will dino tails knock objects over? Will there be steamy sex scene performance by two actors in cheap costumes? Will flatulence be the identifying motif, the director's raison d'etre? YOU make the call.

THX-1138> Unusually enough, this movie was praised by the scientific community as being "extremely accurate."
Djenk> In depicting what the future would be like in hell?
Balthasar> Ok, 3 minutes in - anybody buy Whoopi as an action hero yet?
Q> so, question - has anyone out there ever actually worn, or know someone who has worn, one of those STUPID-looking night caps?
Merlynn> Yeah, dinos feel for each other, right up till they sink their teeth into the soft underbelly of their prey.
Djenk> A Coin Operated Doppleganger!!!
Jamie> Sort of like Touch of Evil, but with dinosaur puppets.
THX-1138> Who reads a script and says, "action/adventure with a rubber dinosaur, count me in"?
Merlynn> Do we really need a Wormy Guy in every movie?
Balthasar> And its Futury Wormy Guy, to boot!
THX-1138> I can't believe Shaft decided to be in this movie.
Merlynn> I just hope the dino has the sense not to "make Whoopie".
nicklby> remember, they had to threaten Whoopi with a lawsuit to be in this one
Djenk> Th $64 dollar question is: how did she get all the way to production before noticing it was horrid?
Balthasar> Is she more believable as an action hero here or as a computer programmer/romantic lead in "Jumping Jack Flash"?
Ophelia> So, does someone get to knock Whoopie on the head w/ a frying pan?
Jamie> Okay, can I just say I thought I would never ever see a gay dinosaur?
Merlynn> Whoopie in a tight outfit with a big lizard, what was Ted thinking?
THX-1138> They orginally wanted Bronson Pinchot for the gay dinosaur, but he wanted to do Step by Step.
Djenk> What the Cantina Scene would have looked like if Lucas was on acid...
Balthasar> I believe this is the first movie where a woman walks around sucking her gut in.
Balthasar> Nope. Not buying Whoopi as a tough chick. Nope. Sorry.
Q> dinocide. wow. the writer must be sooooooo proud of that one
Merlynn> Need I mention that in some other reality, this was a good movie?
THX-1138> Dinosaur-ologist. Yeah, that's real good.
nicklby> on Bizarro world, this movie swept the Oscars
Djenk> So, when did the Field Museum start hosting fancy dress balls?
Balthasar> Let's see, he's hocked a loogie and farted. Any other bodily functions we can look forward to?
Jamie> This is kind of a True Lies meets Fraggle Rock thing.
Merlynn> I think not being able to hit anything with a machine gun is a requirement for being an evil minion.
Balthasar> OK. So, what did we learn?
Merlynn> I learned Whoopie is in a dead heat with Uma and Sandra for most evil woman in the world.
Balthasar> I learned taking costumes left over from a failed TV show and making a movie does NOT work.
THX-1138> I learned squat! This is the first film that had no personal educational value at all.
Merlynn> I learn I like to shake.
Jamie> You learned that dinos squat...
Balthasar> Recipe for a Hit Movie - 1) Watch Teddy Rex - 2) Do everything the opposite.

"You can't judge a dino by his scales."
"Could you just slide your butt....yeah, that's great."
"Go on baby doll. You testify."
"The dinos...are...uh...well...dancing."
"I didn't pop gas!"
"You cannot eat our only suspect."
"Look around, it's the future."
"This time, I run evolution."

MOVIE by Jamie Plummer