x12 ROAD HOUSE (9/14/97)

MOVIE
The ultimate introduction and basic training film for those interested in the field of philosophical bouncing, "Roadhouse" is a rousing action picture that delivers all the excitement it can wring out of it's cardboard subactors. Dynamic frontman and former "Wham!" vocalist Patrick "100% Pure Adrenalin" Swayze somehow manages to grimly walk from scene to scene clad only in pants, his face betraying not a single sign of life, emotion, sentience, or talent. The faces and images this film presents us with are obviously designed by Satan himself. Lumpy unappealing inbreds drink and listen to really sad line dancing music. A stuffed polar bear falls on top of a guy that looks like he might be ready for some football. A ragged "heroin years" George Harrison shows up for no real reason and gets his sticky, matted clumps of disturbing hair everywhere. And who can ever remove from their memory the scenes of pure, nonstop, "taking it outside" action. Revenge, bored love, 80s blowdried sex, booze, the feast this movie offers is limitless.

A SAVORY SATURDAY NIGHT THING
OF RANDOM QUOTES
LambertBoys> You mission, should you choose to accept it, is to beat up drunk guys.
bowleg> Sam Elliot IS Sam Kinison in The Samantha Fox story
Jamie> It's my way or the as-yet-unpaved roads.
THX-1138> Another loveable character brought to you by Roadhouse.
Jamie> You should try bouncing off-Broadway for a little while, maybe.
Q> patrick swayze:the white trash sensei
ikaros> Does anyone else here sense pointless destruction of expensive home furnishings?
cthulhu> They must have went to the A-Team School of Markmanship.
bowleg> ATTENTION: You are overloading on "crusty likeable old coot"
Jamie> Booze=good, drugs=bad.
Q> you know, the director's commentary on the laserdisc version of this scene is so insightful
LambertBoys> Roadhouse Strike: From Electronic Arts.
DAnder6321> !foodlist (its RoboVender!! the only bot that sells crappy food!!!)
ikaros> what the !hell was that?
Jamie> Meanwhile, plot B is from any given episode of The Incredible Hulk...
bowleg> Another genderbending Ben Kingsley role.
LambertBoys> I'd like to make a better movie for myself, but I'm stuck watching Roadhouse.
Jamie> Wow, did you see that? Patrick Swayze!
ikaros> This movie only stands to remind me how much I hate country music ...
cthulhu> I tried quoting Ayn Rand, but that didn't work.
LambertBoys> The nice thing about Swayze playing a taciturn bouncer is that we don't get to hear him speak much.
Q> she looks a pepto-bismol slut
Jamie> So, a mysterious stranger comes to town, and leeches whatever  fun these drunken hillbillies may have in their pathetic little lives?
LambertBoys> Wow. Incompetent henchmen. Whoda thunk it.
PatF> Ahhhh yes, the romantic atmosphere on a Denny's down South.......
bowleg> And now, the sensitive side of a savage zen brute
LambertBoys wonders why there was never a Roadhouse: The Series
Jamie> So they took the money they saved not buying booze, and got new carpeting?
bowleg> Once again, Roadhouse unflinchingly states that women have breasts.
Jamie> Have you seen Joseph Campbell's ten-part documentary on Roadhouse?
LambertBoys> So, has he already earned the respect and adoration of  his cobouncers?
ikaros> So, wouldn't it serve the bad guy more if he just blew up Swayze and not the people around him?
bowleg> I distinctly heard "The Double Douche". I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Q>  i heard devil's douche, myself
LambertBoys> So, is it considered "premature" if it's over quick due to time compression?
Jamie> You can have my beard when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers!
bowleg> Look, it's the character they established much earlier in the film.
cthulhu> Boss Hog meets a violent end at the hands of Uncle Jessie.
LambertBoys> Jeff Healy's a bouncer groupie. He makes plaster casts of  their hair.
Q> stupid of them to build a house over an open gas main, really
Jamie> Wasn't it Chekov that said, "If you have a monster truck on the wall in the first act, make sure it runs over a station wagon in the fourth act"?
bowleg> Conrad Baine in the role of a lifetime!
Q> i learned that i should never be a hero-mentor in a movie with such campbellian undertones.
Jamie> I learned a nice coat of paint can do wonders for a seedy dive.
ikaros> I learned that I shouldn't watch Patrick Swayze movies.
bowleg> I learned it's not too good of an idea to invite greasy George Harrison-looking guys into your life
Q> ah, pudgy mouth-breathing rednecks. that's why movies are made
LambertBoys> Roadhouse. When all is said and done, not a good film.
 

MOST REVEALING LINES FROM THE FILM
""I don't fly. Too dangerous."
"By the way, Oscar. Gas station's all yours. What's that
  supposed to mean?"
"Bring on the real band!"
"Blood on the floor of this joint every night."
"2. Take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar
  unless it is absolutely neccesary..."
"Yup. It was a good night. Nobody died."
"Do you enjoy pain?"
"Listen, would you like to stop by the Double Deuce some time?
  I could buy you a cup of coffee."
"Stay cool, kid. Right."
"What are all these people doing here? Drinking and having a
  good time."
 "Like a morgue in here. Play something, Elvis!"
"You're gonna have a pet.... keep it on a leash!"
"Now we're running out of booze. I called every supplier I
  know. Why won't they deliver?"