x110 ROBIN AND THE 7 HOODS (4/19/98)

Written by John "Pufnstuf" Fenton Murray and David "The Bobo" Schwartz
Produced by St. Francis of Sinatra
Directed by Gordon "Viva Knievel!" Douglas

You could just tell they were having fun. The alcohol-fueled merriment never stopped for the Rat Pack, the early-60s answer to the cast of Friends. Robin and the 7 Hoods is a modern-day adaptation of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, with the late great Frank Sinatra playing the part of Kevin Costner's ass. Frankie-baby leads a swinging band of koo-koo hoods stealing from the rich and giving to Sam Giancana. It's Guys and Dolls painted on a big, bold, palette of primary colors, and while it doesn't have the same Rat-Pack-quotient as Ocean's Eleven, there is serial child abuser Bing Crosby and the absolutely ruined Edward G. Robinson. And don't miss the aria "Mr. Booze," the Rat Pack's very own ode to the self-forgetting blessings of alcohol, whether the martini, the sidecar, or just plain turpentine... whatever was handy on the set.

BillBear> Why is Peter Falk singing in a movie that has Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis?
andre4> Is the rat pack just too hep to MST?
THX-1138> I got chunks of guys the size of you in my stool!
Ironf> Did the pack ever wear anything other than suits?
andre4> yes. They wore silk teddies.
BillBear> Robbo? The Mafia Clown?
BryanL> It's not really appropriate to do The Wave at a funeral.
BillBear> Do mafia funerals always have chanting wiccans?
BillBear> You know, even though he's a doddering has-been now, Frank was really something in his day.
BryanL> There's more pinstripes in this movie than in a Yankees/Yankees exhibition game.
andre5> Everyone always forgets about Sid Melton when discussing the Rat Pack. WHY!?!? Sid was the coolest one.
BryanL> The only thing I don't like about this movie is that it's tough for me to believe Frank Sinatra as a mob member.
BillBear> Frank's pretty brave to be wearing that color. Is that fuschia?
andre5> are you going to tell Frank that his shirt is femmy?
dungarees> And that carpet is watermelon. This entire movie is from the LL Bean retro collection
dungarees> Is that the romper room magic mirror on the wet bar?
andre5> These riffs work just fine for this indian soap opera.
BryanL> Guy of Gisbourne? Oh, wait. Right. This is a parallel.
andre5> meanwhile, elliot ness and his untouchable caste speed towards a speakeasy in newark.
BillBear> So, there's a sum total of about 100 guns in Chicago? It's not really all that toddlin of a town after all, is it?
dungarees> Someone should tell that dancer that there are several octopi sucking her butt
BryanL> And the Ty corporation cracks down on phony beany babies.
THX-1138> They just don't make enough musical shoot 'em up gangster movies these days.
BillBear> The NRA's theme song.
BryanL> Now THIS is the kind of family values William Bennett wants to return to.
andre5> So what he's saying is that he gets turned on sexually by firearms, right?
BryanL> You know, when they took the live stage version of this movie on the road, 15 people died on opening night.
BillBear> So what does the blue ribbon on Frankie's arm signify?
andre5> it signifies that he can do whatever the hell he wants.
Ironf> ahh the arm bands signify how many women he has 'done' that day so far. Lets watch for number three
BryanL> You know, maybe it's just me, but I can seriously see the Rat Pack engaging in all-male orgies, yet still proclaiming their heterosexuality the next morning.
BillBear> HEY! That's King Tut!
* BillBear points at King Tut
andre5> Victor Buono!
BillBear> This movie cries out for Abe Vigoda.
BryanL> Is there anyone in this movie who's NOT Abe Vigoda?
dungarees> Is this the movie She's the Sherrif was bsed on or something?
BryanL> Next scene, they pull the tablecloth off the table and play air hockey.
THX-1138> Forget air hockey, that's a real playing field for some paper football
BryanL> I don't want to hear Frank talking about "his boys".
BillBear> How cute, she's got a poochy belly.
dungarees> That's not a belly, Bill Bear, that's her uterus
BillBear> Why is she wearing it on her outside? Is she a wallaby or something?
BryanL> That's not a uterus, that was my wife! Baddabing.
andre5> Billy Barty in a role that will enchant you.
BillBear> They're watching one of those newsreel-style warner bros cartoons.
dungarees> Hey! It's that 'the little white mouse will not explode' guy!
BryanL> Robbo, did you ever think that with everyone you associate with being named after a Robin Hood character, you'd be associated with Robin Hood?
* BillBear really wants to see Frankie whoop ass on Bing.
andre5> yeah. Bing isn't hep at all.
BryanL> Still, Bing plays smart much better than Corey Feldman.
* dungarees holds Bing at gunpoint and forces him to promise to never sing White Christmas again
BryanL> Meanwhile, Sammy practices looking nonchalant.
dungarees> That clinic treats the late stages of syphillis
BryanL> Unfortunately, the soup kitchen is run by the Soup Nazi.
andre5> Un Volk! Un Reich! Un Robbo!
THX-1138> The only German architecht to take advantage of Operation Paperclip
BryanL> Can anyone actually watch Frank Sinatra without thinking of the "McLaughlin Group" parody on SNL?
dungarees> They have silver lame' tails growing out of their thoracic vertebrae. That's what comes of mating with Bing.
andre5> Bing's part was originally written for Peter Lawford, but Sinatra and he had a falling out over
andre5> President Kennedy, who was assassinated during the filming of the movie.
andre5> But Peter had his revenge by starring in "Angel's Revenge"
BryanL> Hey, dobaddah dobaddah dobaddah SAWING dobaddah!
THX-1138> Bing - Pedophile hood at large.
dungarees> Don't be a doo batter?
BryanL> Dobaddera is friend to all children!
dungarees> A dippity doo batter?
THX-1138> 2 bagger?
BryanL> Bing Crosby IS Mr. B. Natural.
andre5> Bing, poster boy for NAMBLA.
BillBear> This was filmed during one of those rare moments when Bing wasn't beating the crap out of these kids.
andre5> I wonder if Dean needed a stunt drinker for this movie? No. Probably not.
andre6> Mmm, you taste like jerry lewis
BillBear> Yup. Chicago *is* the union stockyards!
dungarees> Chicago IS the Jungle. Welcome to it. We've got fun and games.
BryanL> He likes things that hang loose and easy, so he's going back to Frank. Got it.
BryanL> You know, he really does look like a young Peter Falk, doesn't he.
dungarees> She really looks like a menopausal Carol Channing.
BillBear> Ah, Barbara Rush. The thinking man's June Lockhart.
BryanL> Ah! Peter Falk's dead!
BryanL> So, that's our uplifting ending?
BillBear> HEEEEERE'S Johnny's MOM!
andre7> You know, a commercial would be nice right about now.
BryanL> Closing credits would be even better.
BryanL> Mommy! Mommy! Santa's a Negro!
andre7> what?
andre7> what a crummy ending.
BryanL> Huh? That's it?
andre7> There was no monster.
BillBear> So the bad guys win?
BryanL> Anyone know what the hell just happened?
andre7> they ran out of film, I guess.
andre7> Well, that was pretty painless.
andre7> I totally missed Edward G Robinson.
BryanL> Any relationship to an actual plot was purely coincidental.
BryanL> No point in asking what we learned, there's only one answer. Don't mess with Mr. Booze.

"I think she's a good-lookin' dame."
"I don't mean to holler on ya!"
"Honey, you do have the busiest can in the place."
"I coulda sworn there was a joint right here!"
"You're on top of the rightest proposition you've ever had."
"You talk like you wanna be a jockey."
"Glick was a shmendrick."

BillBear> Mr Booze?
andre5> this is great
THX-1138> A song to booze! Whoo hoo!
BryanL> Mr. Booze? Bwahahha!
dungarees> is the little pink spider song coming up next?
andre5> this is officially my theme song from now on
andre5> "Don't mess with Mr booze!"
BillBear> HOOCH!
BryanL> Has there ever been a congregation with less soul?
THX-1138> Devil hooch!
* andre5 starts messing with Mr Booze
dungarees> HOooch!
BryanL> Turner and Hooch?
* dungarees does and dumps Mr. Booze!
* BillBear commences groovin
andre5> Mr Booze is the man, behind that shine...
* BillBear really needs the soundtrack to this movie now.
BryanL> Mr. Booze is a hard bastard. RIGHT! YES!
THX-1138> "0/~ Mr. B double O Z E"
dungarees> So is this an ad for temperance or making fun of temperance?
andre5> This is temporarily the greatest movie ever made right now.
dungarees> And you all bitched at poor bear about it being a muscial
andre5> hey, I didn't. Whatever Frankie says is ok by me.
BryanL> Mr. Booze is one mean mother...
THX-1138> Testifying, devil hoochm and rasslin in one scene. Amazing.
BillBear> Damn, looks like the soundtrack isn't available.
andre5> Is it wet or is it dry? he knows the answer all of the time... Mr Booze....
* andre5 must get crackin' on a cover of Mr Booze
andre5> "I used spirits for medicinal purposes only"
* BillBear gets up and dances
* andre5 joins in
* BillBear cracks up at cops dancing to MR Booze song
* andre5 does cartwheels
BillBear> YES! I have SEEN the LIGHT!
BryanL> One more time!
andre5> Ok, let's mess with Mr Booze.
BryanL> And the joint went out of business after their liquor sales plummeted.
Ironf> That really wasn't all that bad for an 'ad-libbed' song
BillBear> The gambling crows all shouts "screw the gamlbing! We want the Mr Booze song again!"
BryanL> I want a Mr. Booze tribute album, with Lou Reed covering it.
andre5> I think there's a cover on "Metal Machine Music", Bryan.
BryanL> Somebody open a window. This movie smells funny.
* BryanL tries, and fails, to mess with Mr. Booze.


What a life.

mgrasso can drink all the screwdrivers he wants, and he's still not as groovy as Frankie-baby.