x96 ROLLERBALL (3/26/98)

Written by Norman "Jesus Christ Superstar" Jewison, Martha (or Martin) Hyer, and William "Ticonderoga" Harrison
Directed by Norman "Moonstruck" Jewison
Produced by Norman "Auteur extraordinaire of 1975" Jewison and some other weasels

Rollerball. The very name evokes the finest in cutting-edge 70s social commentary. Put it in the same class of motion picture cultural criticism as Network and The Kentucky Fried Movie. Rollerball tells the story of a sports/entertainment/military-industrial complex gone horribly wrong. James Caan, of course, is "Crash" Davis, the Durham Bulls' best chance at a pennant. He's happy with his life of leisure and his own personal pleasure replicant, only getting out of bed once a week to play rollerball, the violentest sport on earth. John Houseman, the e-ville Britishy guy who controls all the electrons in the whole wide world, wants Crash to retire, but Caan needs that last goal to beat the rollerball record. What follows are scenes of violence and ethnic stereotyping so vile and boring that we cheer when Caan's best friend Mongo is killed by extras from Kung Fu. At the end of the movie, Caan skates around a dead wasteland to the strains of Dire Straits' "Rollergirl" and our pain is ended.

Balthayzr> "Free skate, now. Free skate."
THX-1138> This is basically running man on a closed circular track, right?
Balthayzr> It must be the future. Notice the font on the jerseys.
Ironf> Hell I'd watch this. This is kinda cool.
Balthayzr> Moonpie, there's a name to put the fear of God in you opponant.
Balthayzr> Why do we still have Italian jewelery and open-necked leisure suits in the future?
Ironf> The young Caan looks a bit like Tom "It's Not Unusual" Jones
THX-1138> Please help OCP build a better Delta city.
Ironf> and thusly, Dirk was thrown out of the porn biz.
THX-1138> Rollerball '98! Coming to the Goodwill Games only on TNT
Ironf> Her bionics must really suck.
THX-1138> I think my parents had one of those orange vinyl chiars.
GersonK> Ken Burn's Rollerball - Part 4 - "We remember the NFL"
Balthayzr> Wife-Beater t-shirts of the FUTURE!!
GersonK> I played the silver ball, ever since I was a young Caan
THX-1138> It's too bad the sequel RollerCurling never got made.
THX-1138> He's the Superbeast?
GersonK> The new guy has to shave CAAN
THX-1138> Is he gonna run into Alex and his droogs?
Balthayzr> Blonds-R-Us. You climax in 20 minutes or it's free.
Balthayzr> Sorry, the new rules says the winners don't get to wear the loser's testicles for earrings any more!
cthulhu> Rollerball is PEOPLE... opps, wrong 70s sci-fi movie.
Balthayzr> So, the Evil Corporation screws over everyone it wants, and everyone goes along with it because Caan plays Peruvian Basketball?
THX-1138> Is the disembodied voice Arnold Schwarzenegger's or Tom Arnolds?
cthulhu> Uh Oh, Reggie White's going to address the team!
GersonK> Sorry, came in late, did we compare the likelihood of a pompous brit owning ateam in Houston to that of a meglomanical aussie owning the Dodgers?
Ironf> Always good to set your Society Parties to porn music.
cthulhu> Rickey Schroeder's Grandpa is pawing all the women.
andreleg> Conrad Baine in a role that will enchant you.
THX-1138> It's good to know tuxes in the future haven't changed.
cthulhu> Remington .22s of THE FUTURE!!!!!
andreleg> Stupid stinking trees! I HATE EM!
cthulhu> Commute to work and home in your own private helicopter, miracle acrylic bubble makes it possible.
Ironf> The Japanese just love a good pimp hat.
andreleg> the Nintendo corporate Rollerball Team. Swing your arms,from side to side...
Balthayzr> Watch, the Japanese team is gonna come out in giant Mechs....
THX-1138> And the japanese woman asks for the rollerball players to help defend her village.
GersonK> So, the object of the game is to block the zero-g toilet?
Jamie> "Blocking the Zero-G Toilet" is actually the third trilogy of the Analconda cycle.
Balthayzr> I thought "Blocking the Zero_g Toilet" Was a position from the Kuma Satra?
GersonK> I thought it was from the 2001 blooper reel
Balthayzr> Get your Rollerball collectors cups, now at Jack in the Box!
GersonK> I saw james caan selling one of his game worn jerseys on QVC last night
conradbaine> ah, the first death.
GersonK> Caan stuffs the ball in. then grimaces madly and sweats. I hate this movie. (a haiku)
Balthayzr> This is the ward where we keep the people who fell into a coma watching this movie.
THX-1138> We can rebuild him. We can make him faster. Stronger. We can make him into Mecha-Load.
GersonK> they're going to harvest his organs by pulling his heart out with their bare hands and showing it to him
THX-1138> Silly japanese, don't you know you can only use genuine american parts on genuine american actors.
Jamie> Jack Lemmon IS Hans Goering!
conradbaine> did I mention that I'm british? I am, you know. Quite dreadfully british.
Jamie> Does Caan have the unified Rollerball belt, or is it split?
conradbaine> whoever controls the Caan, controls the universe!
Balthayzr> INdustry! Sending you whores to love, and share with friends!
THX-1138> If only there had been no holds barred rollerballing in this film.
Balthayzr> Step on a plot hole, break the HGers back.
Ironf> and Bumpy calls an audible
GersonK> As a Mets fan, I object i nthe deepest terms to this deep fried crap fritter of a movie using blue and orange for the New York team
Jamie> There was no one left after... THE ROLLERBALL HOLOCAUST.
Balthayzr> So, when do we decide the fire is some sort of hazard and put it out?
GersonK> Two on one, they blew the greatest two on one breakaway of all times!
GersonK> don't blame Caan. He's almost as much a victim as the audience. Or at least, tha's what Reagan siad
Ironf> Jon 3:16 says I just rollerballed your ass.
cthulhu> Mitchell!
andre> ah! a freezeframe!
Balthayzr> And we end as we begun, with Donkey Kong Jr music.
andre> I learned that Bumpy has an interesting job working in the Rollerball industry.
* GersonK weeps like a baby. a long hard, cathartic cry.
Ironf> I learned that in the future, the 70's live on forever.
THX-1138> I learned that if you call your film Rollerball, you had better deliver.
GersonK> Ilearned that corporations are,of course, evil
cthulhu> I learned that trees will be targets of random drive by shootings from socialites.
andre> I learned that you could end a movie with a freezeframe in the 70s, and no one would be the wiser.
Balthayzr> I learned that classical music does not a film make.
cthulhu> I learned that technical difficulties are manna from heaven.
Ironf> I learned that a turkish prison movie is probably better than this.
Balthayzr> I learned it's perfectly legal to kill the entire other team, as long as you score.
GersonK> I learned it's fun to say Caaaaaaaan
Jamie> I learned that deathsport movies suck as much as baseball movies.
GersonK> who am i kidding, I learned even less from this film than I did getting my graduate degree
Ironf> I learned that subject to Lomar law, this is capital punishment
Balthayzr> I learned that, in the future, robot whores are a status statement.


Balthayzr> OK, so, suggestions. The rules of rollerball.
Balthayzr> 1. No Pooftas.
Ironf> 2. Keep your eye on the ball.
THX-1138> Never count your money while you're sitting at the table.
Balthayzr> No killing anyone in the crowd who's a season ticket holder.
Balthayzr> All limbs must be returned to their original owners.
THX-1138> Always wait at least 3 days before calling for a second date.
Balthayzr> A time-out will be called whenever blood or other fluids obscure the corporate logo.
THX-1138> Rollerball '98! Coming to the Goodwill Games only on TNT

Ironf> Ahahahahahahahahha
THX-1138> Whoa.
conradbaine> Ah!
conradbaine> MY TV!
conradbaine> I'm tripping!
cthulhu> TNT BLEW UP!
Jamie> Meanwhile, the guy in the TNT control room passes out on the switchboard.
* conradbaine dies laughing
Balthayzr> Must be some sort of audience protection.
THX-1138> This movie was just too much for TNT to handle
conradbaine> A suitable ending.
GersonK> Well, I can't say this isn't poetic justice.
Ironf> Someone spilled their drink
Jamie> Rollerball. TOO HOT FOR TNT!!!
THX-1138> This is a first.
Balthayzr> Some brave TNT employee throws himself on the bomb to save us all!!
GersonK> The pow-pow-power of positive drinking. I mean thinking.
Balthayzr> ANd now, on BBC2....
GersonK> and there was much rejoicing
conradbaine> a choice of viewing.
Jamie> Joe Bob finally led an armed uprising against ted turner.
conradbaine> Ah, blessed silence.
conradbaine> Music by John Cage.
THX-1138> President Clark has instituted martial law.
Ironf> Damn, we're back
Balthayzr> Anybody see irony here, with the TNT logo showing up during a movie about evil corporations?
GersonK> Now, they can't really return us to Rollerball in progress...
GersonK> maybe to Rollerball in stagnation

There is nothing wrong with your television. Ted controls the horizontal. Ted controls the vertical.

mgrasso doesn't believe in violence in sports, just violence everywhere else