Directed by Steve "Emmanuelle 5" Barnett
Written by Allan "Who?" Smythie


Scanners: The Showdown, also known as ScannerCop II. This marks the 453rd scanner movie to be made. It also marks the 452nd time that it wasn't interesting. There's a guy named after Spock that is an evil scanner. You can tell this because he has a giant scar on his head. That and he also kills other scanners to steal their powers to make his stronger or something. I'm not too clear on that. Anyway, our friendly neighborhood ScannerCop is the first to take a brand new drug that allows him to be a full fledged scanner without going criminally insane. In the end, three people get their heads distorted and the bad guy gets his head blown off, the the Scannercop also explodes his head. -FIN-


Balthayzr> Scanners: The Showdown. An amusing documentary comparing the various features of different flatbed computer scanners.
Balthayzr> Brought to you in stunning LightWave 3-D!
BEMaven> hey, you forgot the 'graphic violence' warning.
Cthulhu> IMAGE... bringing you the best in B reated trash.
Plumm> so, which number scanners is this one?
Balthayzr> 46.
Ironf> Is this the one with the Taylor Negron look-alike?
Balthayzr> C.S.A - Casting Spastic Assholes.
Cthulhu> Henry.... aren't these walkie talkies cool!
Balthayzr> Sheriff Wilford Brimley.
Cthulhu> Filmed on location in a teacher's lounge.
Balthayzr> "Dammit, Barney pistol-whipped Otis again!"
Ironf> Why do all the high powered scanners have huge head scars?
Balthayzr> Wow. Sheriff's a fireStarter.
Ironf> Good to see all the people in Hollywood getting the George Clooney hairstyle
Balthayzr> Not Quite Almost Drew Barrymore!!
Cthulhu> Trans Nueral Resouces Center... sounds like one of those fly-by-night diet operations.
Ironf> He's got those googly eyes that all the wierd women like
Plumm> Hi honey, Arvid blew up my head, and then fatass Denis ate my brains while Robin Givens was being beat by mike tyson
Balthayzr> Oh, yes, load me up on a drug called Fem-oral.
Balthayzr> I'm suprised some sleasy laywer hasn't cried that scanning violates a suspects civil rights.
Ironf> Scanning crime, in a fuuuuture time
Balthayzr> Yes, give Matthew Brodrick the detonator.
Ironf> whoops, he just scanned in his pants
Balthayzr> I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and say the showdown is between erzatz Clooney and Baby-face Scanner cop.
Cthulhu> Scanners either need Femoral or Ex-Laxx.
Ironf> and he makes her breasts all tingly
Balthayzr> Stop scanning my G-spot! Wait, on second thought.....
Cthulhu> Password, FRIDGIDGRL.
BEMaven> did his ass creak just then?
Ironf> This is actually Tantric Sex Magick
Balthayzr> So, scanning is actually like having some sort of degenerative nerve disorder in your neck?
Balthayzr> Scanner Hider in the House.
Ironf> Busey takes coke to keep him from scanning
Balthayzr> "Wow. AT&T found a way to charge for telepathy."
Cthulhu> Scanning is a like fire raging inside you.
BEMaven> Keith Richard's career really didn't take off until after his head exploded.
Balthayzr> The Colonel introduces his Spicy Scanner Wings!
Balthayzr> He turned him into Eric Von Zipper!
Cthulhu> Thinner!
Ironf> why is he turning into a guy from Swamp Thing?
Ironf> He just shot his wad for the night
BEMaven> John Buechler's money shot, folks.
BEMaven> 'warning: this film contains excessive long death throes.'
Balthayzr> Actually, they have no mind control powers. People just give them what they want so the damn kids will stop chanting.
Ironf> I wonder if she went to the Bob Ross school of speed scanning and drawing
BEMaven> so scanners invented the Etch-a-sketch.
Balthayzr> And Tiny Lister comes to her rescue!!
Ironf> Now she needs clean sheets
Plumm> Another out-of-Arvid experience,
BEMaven> why are her pasties on her collar bones?
Balthayzr> "Hold on. I'm going to use my Scanner Power to cure your combover."
Ironf> And he later quits to go work with Tiny Lister
Ironf> This movie has an actual Tiny Lister connection.
Cthulhu> Hot scanner love.
Balthayzr> I'm really suprised Full Moon Entertainment never latched on to this fine series.
Ironf> This movie is all grunts
Balthayzr> Uh, just what is he doing in that tub?
Ironf> Maybe Billy Connelly could help her. Or maybe Howard Hessman, but I doubt it
THX-1138> Arvid could really help her.
THX-1138> I heard the scanners at Radio Shack don't scan 900mhz.
Balthayzr> Well, depends on what wires you bypass...
my-crow-soft> if siskel were watching this scene he would simply say "ick" (note: may siskelt rest in peace)
THX-1138> Actually, it was Ebert who killed Siskel. He put a pillow over his face and suffocated him last night.
Balthayzr> I thought Ebert just dropped some arm flab over his mouth.
Ironf> Ebert euthanized him. It was the best thing to do, really
THX-1138> Rumor at ain't it cool says Ebert chopped off Siskel's thumb and has it in a jar.
Ironf changes topic to "Now Showing: Scanners: The Showdown, Scifi. Roger Ebert arrested for euthanasia. Film at 11."
Balthayzr> Do you ever have that....Just Scanned feeling?
THX-1138> Forklift!
Ironf> All the people need to do is start wearing thier tin-foil hats again
Balthayzr> "Hey! I played the Skill Crane and won a Direct-To-Video actor!"
Ironf> plop
Balthayzr> Boy, warehouses really need to beef up security. Bad guys and the folks hunting them just run in and out whenever they want.
Ironf> I bet that woman has blown a few heads in her time
THX-1138> They put frozen toes in their martinis. It's great!
Balthayzr> Should I be real offended that someone thought naming a scanner Vulcan was clever?
Balthayzr> "She could suck a body thru a grating."
Ironf> Home welding for fun and profit
Ironf> Let's GIT IT ON
my-crow-soft> the exchange of the LOOK !!
Balthayzr> "Ma'am? I'm afraid I'll have to give you a full cavity search."
Ironf> bend over
BEMaven> 'we can't trace the call. he was using a pay brain.'
Balthayzr> Mom hauls pretty good ass for someone in a rest home.
Ironf> Do the other people hear the noise, or is that just for our, the home audience, pleasure?
THX-1138> You're in my world now, grandma! You will go to sleep, or I will put you to sleep!
Balthayzr> The conclusion of this film is left open for a sequel. Viewer discresion is advised.
my-crow-soft> again scneerday was just a myth hollyday created by hallmark.. why do you think they keep on saying "This Scannerday give your special scenner a gift they really want, a card by hallmark"
Plumm> I hate those coke scannercops!
Ironf> Wormy the janitor takes one for the team
Balthayzr> So, scanning also involves sitting on a Casio Keyboard.
Ironf> His head blew up real good
Ironf> let's go home to some hot, sweaty, scanner sex
Balthayzr> I take it, then, that killing a scanner doesn't require you to fill out paperwork.
Balthayzr looks for Scanner Noise Wrangler.
Balthayzr> Heh. The guy that did the sketch got a credit.
BEMaven> ...and the moral is: he never rented the room.


"He jumped the Sheriff. There's gotta be something wrong with him."
"Aw, darn. No handcuffs?"
"I keep going round in circles".
"I think we just got lucky..."
"You have something I need."
"I hunger, coward! Run!"
"I don't need your sick _______ hangin' around here."
"I'm gonna kill you so bad."
"I'm gonna take my time with you, scannercop!"


THX-1138> Sci-fI 2.0?
Cthulhu> So what is this upgrade they keep talking about?
Balthayzr> Upgrade? Does that include the chat server?
my-crow-soft> they've upgraded to 2.0
THX-1138> It fixes the bugs in 1.0
Cthulhu> And erases such bugs like The Six Million Dollar Man and Land of the Giants?
BEMaven> all this time I thought i was watching the Beta version of the SciFi Channel.
THX-1138> I heard it doesn't come with Shred.exe either.
Balthayzr> And Deep13.com is just an add-on, not part of the operating system.
THX-1138> SciFi 2.0 was programmed by John DeLancie under project S-Word.
THX-1138> SciFi 2.0 doesn't work with Linux I hear.
Cthulhu> I hear that the DoJ is going to file a Anti-Trust Lawsuit over Sci-Fi 2.0
THX-1138> TheReal, SciFi 2.0 is a new program designed by people, for people...or a strapless evening gown.
THX-1138> Balt, what about that huge easter egg they put in SciFi 2.0? You read anything about on the newsgroups?
Balthayzr> Yes, you type in "HomeLame suks" and you get a free Lifetime membership to the MSTieGate fan Club.
THX-1138> I'm sticking with cable because you can't SciFi 2.0 on scanners.
Balthayzr> I understand Sci-Fi 2.0 will come with StarTrekNerd Version 8.5
THX-1138> Ironf, do any of your warez sites have SciFi 2.0 up? I'd like to see what it's like before buying it. *wink, wink*
Ironf> They have 3.0, but it has the ispep virus
THX-1138> I don't want that then
THX-1138> SciFi 2.0 doesn't come with Network Masterson.
THX-1138> I wonder if the SFC is getting e-mails from people asking technical questions about their "upgrade."

You need not be afraid of Ironf, for he has no huge facial scars.