Who doesn't love a good snake movie? Sure, we all do. Unfortunatly, we weren't offered one and were instead given this piece. Harry "Golden Fleece" Hamlin is a small everytown fire chief. Before he was there, there were these mutant snakes that got out and breeded and something. Well a big "evil" developer moves to the town and starts making houses for people. How evil is that? Anyway, the snakes aren't happy because if people have a place to live, well they won't be asleep on the street for them to eat. Well people start dying, so Hamlin stands around and looks at people for a while. In the end, they herd the snakes to a mine and blow it up real good.
EvilJen> count the movie cliches just in the preview!
EvilJen> I saw at least 9.
THX-1138> Wow, they're actually trying to pass this off as a "real" movie.
EvilJen> Movie cliche number 1.
thayer> well sure, i'd hop in a truck with that guy.
THX-1138> It's a supersnake!
EvilJen> Not the kind you take home to mother.
mgrasso> this is like the beginning of the twlight zone movie, you know, with dan aykroyd.
Ironf> It's pure Alabama blacksnake.
Ironf> Monster in a Box II: The Reckoning.
mgrasso> SNAKE CAM!
EvilJen> Oh jesus, that's sweet.
THX-1138> Troy Linger? That's such a gay porn name.
Ironf> Jon DowDing, another gay porn star
Ironf> Ted Babcock.
EvilJen> Let me know if you need any more exposition.
Ironf> Dorff on snakes.
THX-1138> Are these the "characters" we're supposed to "care" about?
Ironf> OTIII powers are the only way to combat mutant snakes
THX-1138> They're mutant snakes with stolen stealth technology.
Plumm> chicom snakes!
EvilJen> Oh, that's just my trouser snake....
mgrasso> that watch reminds him when to take his ritalin.
Ironf> Hi, I'm black, so I'll be dead in around half an hour or so.
THX-1138> The entire town is composed of deaf people.
Ironf> 'We had no clue it was there! it was silent!'
THX-1138> Serpentor must be behind this.
EvilJen> You know, I always wear sunglasses whilst tracking snakes. Makes me feel cool.
mgrasso> the elderly jesse ventura consoles the bereaved.
EvilJen> Of course you're upset, you're a chick!
mgrasso> 17 minutes in, and it sucks.
* Bice is hoping Mrs. Bice will hug his trouser snake later...
EvilJen> Despite the movie's insistance this is a dramatic scene, I have to respectfully disagree.
Ironf> The house was build on the ancestrail graveyard of Set worshippers.
Pinwiz> This could be an interesting X-Files... if an X-Files involved killed snakes and _really_ sucked
Trademark> Ah, a B-level Alec Baldwin. How nice.
Pinwiz> Which has better production values? Silent Predators or Team Knight Rider?
mgrasso> ah. phallic innuendo.
THX-1138> The chicks dig the shiny badge
Ironf> Why did the snakes all move to this one town? Were the property values down that year and they all got good deals?
EvilJen> You know, I always dress like a 70s stud while on the job.
Bice> So, she's afraid of sticks but a rattling noise doesn't scare her.
BEMaven> how nice. harry keeps snake handling gear in his truck.
thayer> don't all fire chiefs?
Ironf> I like how all hollywood types think infravision just means a red gel filter over the camera.
Plumm> they should have dialed 10-10-snake eyes
THX-1138> I call it the "thumb up its ass" test.
Ironf> Hot milking action.
THX-1138> Stay back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
BEMaven> unusual...this snake has Gatorade in his venom.
Ironf> They make them move their mouths like they did Mr. Ed, with a carrot up the bum
EvilJen> could you re-impose your exile? Please?
Ironf> It's not a mutant, it's a hybred. Like TBS would fact check.
Ironf> 'it tastes like chicken'
EvilJen> that's what she said.
Ironf> BUMPESSES SNAKES!
Ironf> here grasso, you dropped these " "
Pinwiz> So, is this a ripoff of Jaws, Arachnophobia, or My Little Pony?
Bice> Don't forget ripping off "Poltergeist" - new housing development disturbs hidden evil.
Plumm> and now the snake crushes the one girl with big tits in the garage door
Ironf> I like that they made that little snake cgi just for this movie
Trademark> "If you must go outside, wear lots of cheesecloth-covered jars."
Ironf> Evil guy has a slight Patrick Duffy vibe.
BEMaven> 'when strolling through a vacant lot, i strongly advise people to start skipping.'
thayer> 'i hear crys for help, so i will walk slowly towards the sound'
EvilJen> That rattlesnake killed my pa!
mgrasso> tribunal? wtf is this, medieval fire chiefs?
EvilJen> Hamlin smells of elderberries.
Ironf> Hamlin smells.
Bice> Jeeze, the snakes even roped the area off with yellow ribbon. These people are really stupid to go in there.
EvilJen> Huh, that's a haunted mine. draw 1 more card.
BEMaven> "you mean an evacuation?" no, we move everybody out of town for garage sales, idiot.
Ironf> When do we get to see the chilling 'snake in the porta-john' scene?
Plumm> And FEMA puts everyone in their secret concentration camps.
Ironf> I'LL SEE YOU IN SNAKE HELL!
EvilJen> what did bad movies do before cell phones?
Ironf> They bite one of ours, we eat one of thiers!
Bice> So...the evil boss gives the guy a bonus to walk with dynomite into the killer snake's stronghold. Must have been a damn BIG bonus.
Ironf> Plumm, would this be an enemy mine?
Plumm> yes, ironf. yes it would.
Bice> Well, I finally found out who watches these movies. Last time I visited my parents, my dad said "Did you see that Nuclear Train movie? It was really good."
BEMaven> could Mr. Gumby have done any worse in that scenario?
Ironf> Do snakes have lojack?
BEMaven> wow. a CB signal that can penetrate solid rock.
Ironf> The snakes couldn't cut the power! THEY'RE JUST ANIMALS!!! WE MADE YOU! WE MADE YOU!
EvilJen> jesus christ, who wrote those lines.
Ironf> Dammit, I hate all these hobo snakes that jump up and wash your windows for spare change when you are at a light.
BEMaven> thank God we live in a country where King Snakes can find good homes.
THX-1138> Music courtesy of the Dune soundtrack.
Trademark> "The snakes, Clarice."
thayer> oh my god, tv guide gave this a good review.
thayer> a 7 out of 10
Ironf> I have it two rattles up.
Plumm> tvguide is run by a bunch of lobotomized monkeys
EvilJen> curse them and their children and their children's children children.
BEMaven> 'People' said it was okay.
Ironf> Jay said 'It stinks!'
THX-1138> It's an Analconda.
EvilJen> my silent predator don't want none unless you got buns, hon.
mgrasso> "spiders and snakes" by jim stafford available on the "silent predators" soundtrack.
Trademark> So, by wiping out the lair, all the loose town snakes are automagically rendered harmless?
BEMaven> ya know, there's something about multiple stupid deaths that makes two hours fly by fast.
"Have you met Dick?"
"A rattlesnake?" "She didn't say."
"Watch out for snakes!"
"I don't wear a size seven, lady."
"Better safe than...sorry."
"You wanna play hardball, huh"
"People shouldn't take walks in the tall grass."
"That's not funny."
"I'll go find dick..."
YOU DON'T WANT TO SEEEE SNAKEY
Introducing HGI's newest products for the snake-lover. All the skins used on the following products were collected from snakes that were herded into a mine, then delicatly exploded. Once this is over, we allow our trained lifeguards to enter the mine and pick up what good, quality pieces of skin they can find. We then take those and hang them up to dry and allow our very own Dr. Stitch to piece these together to make the following items that you can't find elsewhere.
|For those men and women on the go, we offer these exciting products. Now you can own your very own snakeskin wallet or purse. We at HGI aren't judgmental, so we don't care which you buy.|
|Now for the inbred hillbilly in all of us, we offer this fine belt buckle. Made of the purest brass and silver that we could mine from the backwoods of Tennessee, this buckle will last you a life time and more. It can become a birthright that you can pass down from disfunctional son to disfunctional son. Please include your hat size, as this buckle is 13% larger than your head and will have to be custom made to each person.|
|Speaking of hats, make sure to pick one of these up for the next time you get ready to go hunting with your buddies. Snakeskin is a natural camoflauge and will be a bit hit with all your drunk friends.|
|What if you don't wear a hat, or don't care for our fine wallets and purses, and aren't a giant belt buckle wearing hillbilly? Well you too can still enjoy a fine snake product. We offer this snakehead keychain. NOTE: For those ladies that feel they need some protection, we offer a ointment that you can apple to the fangs of the snake that will cause death within 10 seconds once they puncture the skin.|