x244 SUDDEN IMPACT (4/29/99)
THE MEN OF SHAME
Director: Clint "Sudden Impact" Eastwood
"Writers": Charles "The Barbaric Beast of Boggy Creek: Part II" Pierce and Joseph "Stick" Stinson
Producer: Clint "Sudden Impact" Eastwood
Clint did it. He finally did it. He broke the barrier from actor to director/producer. I didn't say he broke it well, just that he broke it. Here's the plot. Clint gets some coffee, shoots some people, gets shot at by some people, and gets a dog as a present. Now, to me, that's a hell of a story. It's a good thing that he deliberatly slowed the tone down a whole lot to let people catch up with the exciting twisting and turning plot. He has truly become one of the new masters of the cinema. No really. Actually Clint paid me to say that. He let me be a cameo in "The Eiger Sanction" along with GK.
BEMaven> so we went from 70's pop rock to what?....
Ironf> 80's jazz rock with bongos
Ironf> featuring Betty Ford....clinic
BEMaven> boy, this is a long intro to Letterman.
Ironf> Remember, blame Eastwood totally for this. Written/Produced/Starring Clint.
Plumm> Clint must've gotten a rock in his retina to rate protective eyewear that size
BEMaven> well, at least his hairline is intact.
Ironf> Thus ends another episode of Judge Judy.
BEMaven> she's trying to out-clench Clint. baaaad mistake.
Ironf> Clint takes a bit of coffee in his sugar.
Plumm> ah, always put the best stuff at the beginning so we have to sit through the rest, clint
my-crow-soft> boy, his stench alone causes people to die
BEMaven> i swear that's Frank Drebin's car.
Plumm> clint's right. blow the ketchuppy hot dog midget away now
my-crow-soft> as allways the chico gang is there,
Ironf> Is he 'too old for this shit' yet?
BEMaven> how effective is a spitball against a perp?
Ironf> So we're almost 40-45 mins into this thing, and still no real plot movement
BEMaven> i think i'd rather watch Dirty Harry's vacation slides.
Ironf> NEW Action Eastwood, with action handgun
BEMaven> it's the NRA. they want to force Harry to quit their association.
Ironf> New Eastwood in a can. Just as powerful as our regular Eastwood in a bucket, only in a new package.
BEMaven> i can't understand why 'i'm not up for vacation' didn't catch on as a snappy phrase.
Plumm> so, what happened the last 10 or 15 min?
Ironf> basically nothing
Plumm> ok then
Plumm> i love the playskool boombox playing all the group rape music
Ironf> So, I guess Clint watched Circus of the Damned or something before he got cracking on this script.
BEMaven> I guess Clint was cracking while he wrote this.
BEMaven> i think clint assumed that directing meant lumping all the dialogue in one place, the action in another...
Ironf> What we really need is some good 'ole fashioned Bockachickawocka music.
BEMaven> don't identify yourself as a cop or anything.
Plumm> we don't need no education, callahan
Plumm> this movie really has me readjusting all my dog meat paradigms
Ironf> I think they went a little light on the Harry and a bit too heavy on the Dirty part.
BEMaven> how many people do suppose waited in ticket lines just to watch Clint kick an old whore?
Ironf> Is this the one where at the end he uses a harpoon on the guy?
BEMaven> exactly how does Harry get results on a case?
BEMaven> Mike Douglas and Karl Malden would have cleared this up in 2 commercial breaks.
Plumm> the aryan joe montana brotherhood.
Ironf> I'm betting Harry doesn't have a lot of friends anywhere.
BEMaven> harry, you just don't have a lot upstairs.
Ironf> He just wants to be held.
BEMaven> Harry sure went down hill after he busted up those Black Militants stealing hotel trinkets.
my-crow-soft> and another quality "in the dark" shot, thank you movie
Ironf> well after paying for all the ammo they had a limited lighting budget
Ironf> a good old fashioned ho' beat down
Plumm> i better go assassinate gerald ford
BEMaven> i guess the message of the movie is that you get killed if you don't own a dog.
Ironf> that deaf, dumb, blind kid sure plays a mean rapeball!
BEMaven> so he keeps the most powerful handgun in the world in a hotel drawer.
my-crow-soft> but it's safe to say that no one will catch up to anyone,
Ironf> finally some vintage 70's music with a bit of 80's upbeat
my-crow-soft> that they still haven't figured out what the feeling is suppose to be,
* Plumm hasn't followed themovie at all so doesn't know if the chick is right or if clint is.
BEMaven> maybe the plot's hidden in the credit roll.
BEMaven> there's the plot. the cast showed up in order of appearance. it was carefully planned.
Plumm> credits in longtorso font
BEMaven> the plot was written inside the copyright date.
"You're nothing but dog meat"
"Who's we sucka?" "Smith, Wesson, and me."
"Go ahead, make my day."
"Funny, I never thought of it as a game."
"But i'm not up for vacation."
"...before i give your face its first period."
"Why don't you boys suck some fishheads, huh."
'Harry, you don't have a lot of friends upstairs."
"Aren't you curious about why i'm up here?"
"So tell me, how's your slut sister?"
"Do you want to be alone tonight, Callahan?"
YESTERDAY'S STARS TODAY
We'd like to take this time to inform you on the whereabouts of some of the stars of this fine film. We get requests to do a where are they now all the time, so we hope this will help quench that thirst for knowledge that plague all HG Industry followers.
|Harry Calahan, after quiting the force, has become a fine upstanding citizen. After becoming a small town mayor, he recently put in his bid to buy a major golf course to have it turned into a high class shooting range.
|Judge Judy now has a highly rated show that is syndicated around the country. Tune in and watch her yell at people for being ignorant. She gets paid to ridicule people on air. What's better than that?
|Sissy has went back to doing movies based on country singers lives. She is currently in production on "The Dolly Movie". Rick Baker has collected a team of special effects people to help in the making of the prostetics.
|Barbara has been selling tickets to her concerts at a fire's pace. Most of these tickets are bought as gag gifts or given to the homeless to get them off the streets for a while. Remember: AA honk honk MCO
|Alfonse has went back to a life of drinking and pretending he's Italian. Don't fret when he bites his thumb at you. It's meaningless.
|Betty Jo has returned to what she knows best. She now always tops the list for an out-of-town cracker girl new to the big city.
|After a serious amount of plastic surgery, Juan is now the most recognized dog in America and abroad. He can be seen in coutless commercials and advertisments.
|Rodney is currently being pulled over daily thanks to California's racial profiling. He only occasionally gets beat, so all is well.
Ironf cocked the hammer.