x78 BLACK SAMSON (2/10/98)

Director: Charles "Ralz only WISHES he were this cool" Bail
Writers: Warren Hamilton Jr., Daniel Cady
Producer: Daniel "The Thinking Man's" Cady

Oh, my dear Dobbs. Black Samson. What can you really say about it that hasn't been said before? This is easily THE finest movie we've ever "done". It all boils down to one thing: raging, blistering, mind-popping action. It's the time-honored story about a simple man that conquers all and becomes master of his own destiny through the judicious use of a BIG STICK. This big stick is naturally imbued with certain mystical properties and can easily kill a man with but a tap. Besides his trusty stick, Black Samson is the proud owner of a ferocious and probably neutered lion that only answers to the name "Larry King". But that's not all! There's a Gradyesque sidekick/piano player know only as "Henry" that dies a horrible death, a brutal, supersquarejawed villain with a knack for Scrabble, tense scenes of garbage being thrown from the roof of a decrepit building, tepid driving nonaction, a soundtrack by Allen "Workin' in a Coalmine" Toussaint, a gangster's moll tossed out of a moving car, oily italians with accents as thick as granite, and Billy Dee Williams making his screen debut as a blind German proctologist. Required reading.

BillBear> Why do I have the sinking feeling that's JJ Walker's butt?
THX-1138> The lion has a life debt to Samson since he pulled a splinter out of his paw. It's touching really.
bowleg> Cameron Diaz IN Don't Cry for Me, Black Samson
BillBear> A high-pressure ridge is forming around watts, expect scattered negros throughout the night.
Ironf> I bet when she turns her head fast, it takes a moment to get the hair to turn.
Jamie> So, our hero tricks cars into hitting him, then he beats up the drivers?
BillBear> Let's see...Black History Month...we could run "When we were colored" or "Black Samson"...
bowleg> well, we can get Black Samson for 20 bucks. Lets go with Black Samson.
mgrasso> samson's staff +5 of blaxploitation
* BillBear is mesmerized by super-wide tie.
bowleg> what this room needs is more wood paneling.
Jamie> It's nice to have an intimate look at this one corner of the vast and fascinating Samson Universe.
BillBear> He has larval sideburns.
Ironf> One stick to rule them, one stick to bind them.
bowleg> mmm, you taste like a big freakin' walking stick
BillBear> Baby, you aint tastes my big walkin stick yet...
Jamie> Dharma and Greaseball
THX-1138> You could hold the Superbowl in that car.
bowleg> Joey Lauren Adams IN Shoot the Piano Player
BillBear> Is she supposed to be exercising? Or is she just stress testing her back?
bowleg> you know, you just can't make going 30MPH exciting.
BillBear> He's choking on his blood capsule!
THX-1138> That was the best stick fight in a parking lot I've ever seen.
bowleg> at around this point, I find myself craving more of the doughy-headed italian guy with the bad accent.
BillBear> He who draws forth the stick from the chevy nova shall rightwise...oh, forget it.
Jamie> Is this Lion like Snuffalupagus? Does he only talk to Dixieland Grady?
Ironf> Good to see that the lion was able to go for a walk. Probably was getting bed sores from laying around so much.
BillBear> Jack from Jack in the Box came over and kicked my ass for stealing his spicy crispy chicken.
Jamie> The Empty Fruit Truck Dumpling Gang.
BillBear> She apparently told Samson that he was going to be chased by innefectual hoodlums, even though she didn't know about it.
bowleg> Black Samson cruises the streets in style in the 1974 Dodge Charger
Not as good as a forklift, but fun
THX-1138> He's trying his hardest to imitate Popeye.
BillBear> The groovy baseline is filling my heart with love.
Jamie> Smells funky too, Henry. You out of Depends?
BillBear> I bet that guys sideburns always point to Orion's belt or something.
THX-1138> Assing another man goes against the very laws of nature.
BillBear> Girlfriend with more hair than an entire pack of orangutans...
Ironf> Her voice is making my ears bleed.
bowleg> ah, back to the spiritual center of this film: booze.
bowleg> enough with the rack focus already.
* BillBear demands more rack focus
Ironf> Why the dark glasses? Oh yeah, I beat the hell out of you, didn't I?
wombot> hi all...i was lonely...
bowleg> um, what the fuck is going on?
Jamie> The mob was trying to horn in on Samson, so Robert Goulet killed the mob.
Jamie> Then the old guy got a room at the hotel.
Ironf> She wants him to help Samson, he said, "do me", she started, he said "stop", he still won't help Samson. I think that is what is going on.
Jamie> Should we know what's going on?
BillBear> Samson's is a neverending story, James.
bowleg> actually, Black Samson follows a 5-year story arc.
* BillBear wants to see Samson in Dockers and an Izod shirt.
Jamie> The Stick doubles as a car phone antenna so Samson can keep in the know on the streets.
THX-1138> He can find out the location of The Warriors on the hour every hour courtesy of K-GANG.
bowleg> never before in the history of filmmaking has so much garbage been thrown off so many buildings.
BillBear> It's a shame when people be throwing away a perfectly good white boy like that.
Jamie> Ladies and gentlemen, the Benny Hill of Harlem! Black Samson!!!
THX-1138> Did he swallow a horn section or something?
Jamie> poetic justice. Everyone knows how the Italians ran all those plantations.
Ironf> Dare I ask it, What did we learn?
BillBear> I learned that you can't be a man without a big stick.
Ironf> I learned that Black Samson is the "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan of his community. HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
THX-1138> I learned to stomp loudly and carry a big stick, with a lion.
BillBear> I learned that LA Police are really tolerant about lions in bars.
bowleg> I learned that it can be fun to hurl appliances off a roof
Jamie> I learned that Black Samson is the man.
THX-1138> I learned Black Samson is the man without a plan.
BillBear> I learned that Grady should have gone to the hotel.
Jamie> I learned no one can play Dixieland Jazz like Grady can!
bowleg> Jump back, blaxploit myself!

"Listen, I want a piece of that up there... And if I have to, I'll take a piece of you..."
"All right, let's play some groovy music"
"Hey, he almost broke his stick on your head!"
"I understand you're THE MAN to talk to around here."
"I know a man who choked on a piece of cake!"
"You know who signs your checks, don't you baby?"
"I don't wanna sleep with a corpse!"
"Something sweet and soft might help..."
"How you do, pussy? It's Henry."
"I sho can!"

Troubling Trivial Trivia: Black Samson later made an appearance on "MacGyver". Sources claim that he did NOT beat MacGyver senseless with his stick as was originally planned.

This page was concocted by the right-honorable Sir Alvin Pertawst.