x41 MS. SCROOGE (12/13/97)

Writers: Charles Dickens, John McGreevey
Director: John Korty
Producer: Wilshire Court Productions / Power Pictures

Cicely Tyson stars in this groundbreaking civil rights telefilm concerning a wretched, weezy, jaw-wired, Scrooge of color who learns the true meaning of absolutely nothing. Special guest stars Jessica Tate and Emo Phillips guide Ebenita on a journey through the darker inner regions of her tortured soul and her even more tortured "performance." "Fun" for the whole "family." "Fun" is defined as "continuing pain."



BryanL> Cicely Tyson IS Darth Vader.
Jamie> Weezie Helmsley.
BryanL> Short and dark and Cicely Tyson, the girl named Ebenita goes walking in...
KevinL> I don't get it. Why's Cicely Tyson's character being so mean to everyone?
Jamie> "Yes, we're foreclosing on Bedford Falls, yes."
BryanL> She's kind of Urkel and Katherine Hepburn and Adrian Paul all rolled up into one.
KevinL> Cicely Tyson makes extra money re-dubbing old Penguin episodes of Batman.
KevinL> Maybe she should try one of those Breathe-Right strips.
BryanL> Gee. It's 1997, and there's just the ONE bank for them to work at?
BryanL> Not buying the money filing system. Not buying it AT ALL.
Jamie> All people who don't like paying taxes are also evil to their employees, and iron their money. It's true.
jess> She looks constipated.
Jamie> Katherine Helmond IS the Hellraiser!
KevinL> Jessica Tate's dead, and she's pissed.
KevinL> Ah, subtext: be kind to midgets.
jess> Beam me up, Satan
Jamie> Cicely Tyson stars as Mother Bates.
jess> Get out! The combination is coming from inside the safe!
KevinL> That guy's gonna take her to an island with genetically engineered dinosaurs who'll teach her the true meaning of Christmas. Or eat her. One of those.
BryanL> You'll have to eat your toast dry, daughter. That was jelly's last jam.
jess> Hey Bonita, who's that girl?
BryanL> At least the movie took a whole 35 minutes to play the race card...
jess> Thank you, Kevin.
BryanL> Well, "Scrooge" is his slave name.
Jamie> Charles Dickens' searing drama of the civil rights age.
jess> It's a good thing the shop burned down and daddy died! It's a wonderful life!
Jamie> George Scrooge stole Zuzu's flower petals, and sold them for booze.
BryanL> So, has she learned the true meaning of Christmas yet? I don't wanna rush ya, Cicely, but you know, we got things to do.
BryanL> That Black Girl!
BryanL> This movie is to economics what Voyager is to physics. And economics. And biology.
jess> Incoming Race Card! Incoming! Take cover!
Jamie> So the moral of the story is, if your fiancee wants in on the ground floor of a political machine, follow him across the country.
Jamie> Ebenita Blofeld
BryanL> It's the Ghost of Homosexual Christmas Present!
BryanL> Cicely, Ted Koppel called. He wants his hair back.
bowleg> OK, someone please state in 10 words or less what the hell is going on.
BryanL> The fruity guy's the Ghost of Xmas Present, Bow. Cicely is Ebenezer Scrooge with tits. The rest is pain.
Ironf> Black woman Yoda gets lumbago and learns what Christamas is.
Deuce> And Lord, I don't know why you saw fit to take Kenny from us...
KevinL> Moxie is cat piss, pure and simple.
Deuce> Holy ground, highlander!
* Jamie forgets if he's watching Amen or Nothing Sacred.
BryanL> Or 666 Hope Street.
jess> When does Huggy Bear show up?
Jamie> I hate those coke angels!
bowleg> Did the hobo show up yet?
SirDude> Every once in a while, they poke each other in the eye with the fork.
BryanL> And the times there was only one set of footprints on the table were the times I carried you on my fork. Or something.
Jamie> Cicely Tyson IS Lizzie Borden!
jess> Katherine Hepburn and Marilyn Manson - they're cops on a mission!
Deuce> Hey, it's the chicken lady from "Post-Modern Prometheus!"
BryanL> No, it's the chicken lady from "Kids In The Hall".
BryanL> In the end, Cicely Tyson died alone. Her vast chicken empire crumbled around her.
Jamie> Beck IS WITNESS.
Jamie> I'm still confused about Ebenita being Tiny Tim's gramma.
BryanL> Maybe Cicely should have passed on this role until they unwired her jaw.
Deuce> So is there any chance Roma Downey and Della Reese are going to come in and clear this up?
BryanL> And now Ebenita does her seal impression.
jess> Did she corner the market on helium?
Ironf> So evil people=wired jaw Good people=Free wheeling jaw action. Ok thanks movie.
jess> You look pretty wearing your Whore Red, Ms. Scrooge.
Jamie> Go buy 10 gumballs with that dollar, young man.
Jawz> It's odd that USA would play a bad movie..very uncharacteristic
bowleg> Hobos?
bowleg> I love this movie!
Deuce> Trailers for sale or rent...
jess> Not since Uhura kissed Kirk has there been such a racially-charged erotic moment.
KevinL> So, the True Meaning of Christmas is to go totally nutso, give all your stuff away, and become a homeless psycho who talks to yourself? Cool.
bowleg> Thanks, Miss Scrooge! You gave me a dog fetus in a jar!
BryanL> Maybe they should have sold the damn Stradivarius if they were so damn poor.
dungarees> It isn't Christmas until your ears bleed
bowleg> Did Droppo show up yet?
BryanL> Go Postal on the Mountain...
Jamie> So, who learned what, if anything?
KevinL> Fuck the denouement!
bowleg> Well, I learned to thank myself for showing up late for this "film"
cthulhu> I learned that families shouldn't be allowed near a TV when the home game is on.
KevinL> I learned that they'll let ANYBODY be Scrooge these days.
jess> I learned that I need to watch less USA.
Deuce> I learned that death makes you fey.
cthulhu> I learned that Dickens is rolling in his grave... again.
BryanL> I learned that an inability to speak doesn't prevent you from being an award-winning actress.
Jamie> I learned that someone some where, thought this spoke to Middle America.
Deuce> I learned that the Muppets are vastly underrated actors.
AndrewP> I learned that HGing while sick is dangerous
dungarees> I learned that Susan Lucci's version of A Christmas Carol was not the worst
Deuce> I learned that Albert Finney is a master of subtlety.
Jawz> I learned that what you do in life isn't as important as how you've lived. What we leave behind is what defines us..oh..wait..sorry, I'm quoting ST:Generations.
Deuce> I learned that the love you take is equal to the love you make...no, I'm sorry, I learned that from Abbey Road.

"Err Yerr Frerrm Theerrr Err Err Ess?"
"You should go by Ebenita here. It's more dignified."
"Errts Eh Heee Risk Lernn... Er!"
"Geet Eeet Eee Seed!"
"I always grieved for the woman she might have been."
"You look pretty when you're happy, Ms. Scrooge."
"You look much too bright.... to be superstitious."
"I don't make mistakes. Not with numbers at least."
"Look at their misery!"
"Spare me." "That's exactly what I'm trying to do."


BryanL> And she learns the true meaning of Christmas. The end.
BryanL> But she was too cheap to spring for a decent ventilation system and she dies. The end.
Ironf> So she organizes a union and shuts her old man down until they get the 16 bucks. The End
jess> And she grew up to be Angela Davis. The End.
Ironf> And he turns into a vampire and kills both the women.
bowleg> The end.
Ironf> She jumps up all happy and runs around, has a heart attack and dies. THE END.
* BryanL kills movie.
* bowleg stops Bryan for killing movie, and then kills the movie himself
* jess takes an axe and gives this movie forty whacks.
* KevinL defibrilates and revives movie, then kills it again.
Deuce> It'll end...it has to end...
* bowleg dies and crawls under the couch

Direct complaints, suggestions, and manifestos to Jamie Plummer.