x62 STREETS OF FIRE (1/10/98)

Director: Walter "The Warriors" Hill
Written by: Larry Gross and Walter Hill
Producers: Lawrence "Waterworld" Gordon and Joel "Road House" Silver

Starring Michael Paré, best known for his role as Carver in the Sci-Fi Channel Original Carver's Gate, Streets on Fire is one of the few films to deal with the tribulations of gonorrhea in such an up front manner. A female rock singer is kidnapped by a crotch rocket riding gang. Her ex-boyfriend discovers she is missing and goes on a rampage to find her. One by one he hunts down and kills the gang members until he has reached his love. For some strange reason, he kills her after his way with her (and I think you know what I'm talking about when I say "way"...*wink* *wink*) and moves on to a new town where he preaches about the dangers of Prozac. Obviously, this is all a metaphor for the transfer of gonorrhea. Our singer, Ellen, represents that girl next door who looks perfectly healthy. That's why you and a bunch of your friends decide to get a little of the in-out-in-out gang action. Little do you know, she isn't alone. No sir, lurking the shadows is the foul gonnorhea, played by Rick Moranis. He slowly and painfully terrorizes each person before killing them - such is the pain of gonnorhea. In the end, we learn that it isn't how much love you get or how often you get it, but rather how to protect yourself when you do get sweet loving. Thank you Trojan for teaching us how to laugh at love again. Oh, I almost forgot, Bill Paxton and Ed Begley Jr. show up as syphilis and chlamydia.

streets02.jpg cthulhu> Quest for Streets.
bowjapped> Ghetto down the highway, at the speed of light! All I want to feel now is the wind in my eyes!
Jamie> The Who's "Tommy Boy."
bowjapped> Hideous control now!
Balthayzr> Strets of Fire! For Sega Genesis and SNES!!
cthulhu> Narrated by Edward Evert Horton.
dungarees> If Donna Pescow and John Travolta show up, I'm outta here
BryanL> Chauffeur Gang!
Djenk1> Ellen Aim and the Attackers? Lame would be polite for that name...
BillBear> Rick Moronic
Djenk1> Don't you have some ghosts to bust or something?
Balthayzr> Hey, Moranis, didja bring the man-eating plant?
cthulhu> Meatloaf in concert!
Balthayzr> And Joan Jett plots revenge.
BryanL> Jim Steinman. Beating the living crap out of a piano for no good reason.
Qpid> band animation by ray harrhausen
Ironf> all of these people are now pennyless, right?
dungarees> Gloria! Gloria!
* Balthayzr actually misses Quiet Riot at this point.
lando5> you've heard one Steinman song, you've heard the entire catalogue...not unlike a James Horner soundtrack...
Balthayzr> If Nina Blackwood or Martha Quinn comes out, I'm taking hostages!
Jamie> Meatloaf: Load Out of Hell.
streets03.jpg Ironf> Village People are here and they are *pissed*
Jamie> Is this one of those fables the Gesture Professor was telling us about?
Qpid> i am the keeeeeeeeeeeeymaster...
BryanL> I'd like to point out, for the record, that the streets are actually of asphalt, not of fire.
Balthayzr> Movie Rule #153 - Streets at night must always be wet.
bowjapped> Move Rule #5235235: Rock and roll fables without exception must be total crap.
Balthayzr> And Jerry and George are having lunch inside.....
BryanL> White Vest Gang!
Jamie> Slapicide: Life In the Diner.
Balthayzr> She's my sister! Ny daughter! My sister!
BryanL> It's a Roger Rabbit cop car.
bowjapped> not a cop, but an incredibly crappy simulation.
Balthayzr> Walter Hill. Goofy Gangs. A coincedince? You decide.
cthulhu> So 80's pop began in the 1950's?
* BillBear misses the "going nowhere" song
Balthayzr> OOh, he must belong to the Bow-Tie gang!
cthulhu> Pulp Fiction: The musical.
BillBear> Man, his suit is giving me convulsions
Jamie> Honey, I'm Only Getting Scale For This!
BillBear> You know what this movie needs? Big closeups of Willem Dafoe's face.
cthulhu> Just an average night at The Blue Oyster Club.
Ironf> that is either a bad jamie lee curtis imatation or a good Liza Minneli
streets04.jpg BillBear> What we need to pick things up is a big Steinman number.
THX-1138> THat smoke was digitally added in post.
BillBear> Bring it on, you son of a carpenter!
Jamie> TV-14-DLVPAIN
Balthayzr> Moranis must be a wimp. Even the tough chick has 5 o'clock shadow!
bowinpain> Little Richard, bus driver.
Security> It's my name Niels A. Massink
andre> Boys II Crap
BryanL> Crap II Crap
BillBear> The CrapStreet Boys
cthulhu> The Backstreet Dorks.
Djenk> Sha na ca ca
BryanL> MMMMCrap!
Jamie> The Four Craps.
BryanL> The Four Poops
andre> Gladys Crap and The Poops
Balthayzr> Oh, nice dubbing there. Where's Godzilla?
BryanL> They didn't start chasing us until you put in that wacky chase music!
Balthayzr> Ah, it's WAlter's Signature! Serendipitous train service!
Djenk> A crooked cop? NO WAY!!
andre> Wow, someday leather boy will thrill the world in Speed 2
streets05.jpg BryanL> It's INspector Mooselini!
andre> I can't take anyone seriously when they say "kick his butt"
andre> so Jesus in leather is in a fight scene. I don't buy it.
Balthayzr> And his punches ricochet off his helmet hair.
Djenk> Always time for one more lousy piano riff..
Balthayzr> Power Ballad!
BillBear> This is so Total Eclipse of the Heart
Balthayzr> Order sounds of the 80's! 6 CD's for only 99.95 plus s&h!!
andre> Easy on the SoulGlow, brutha.
Balthayzr> Ooh, soundtrack buried in a landfill somewhere in the Gobi desert!!
andre> I learned never to let Bryan let his personal war against Jim Steinman cloud HG movie picking.
BryanL> Just to get this formality out of the way... I learned nothing.
BillBear> I learned that leather overalls do not a villain make.
Ironf> I learned: Prozac, It's a KILLER.
Balthayzr> I learned that it rains every night in New york.
BillBear> I learned that seeing Rick Moranis get punched can make any movie enjoyable for a brief moment.

"Everywhere I go, there's always an asshole."
"Take it easy, Cody. I'll take it where I can get it."
"No one ever had a hold on me like you did"
"I hate you for takin' money to come and get me"
"I wanna nail that son of a bum's guts to the sidewalk."
"Oh, you're dumb. And, you're short. Real short."
"I've been a soldier, 'til I ran out of wars."

The big freak THX-1138 is immune to Neisseria gonorrhoeae.