x34 STAR TREK V (11/28/97)

Writers: William Shatner(story) & Harve Bennett(story) & David Loughery(story). David Loughery
Director: William Shatner
Producer: Paramount Pictures

This will be painful. So hold on. Movie opens with pain feeling on Arrakis. Cut to Shatner rock climbing. Then, our heroes eat beans and get gassy. Uhura interrupts their fun so they can drive her to Dune to perform interpretive dance. Then Sybok, Spock's really lame half-brother, takes over the Enterprise to meet God. God lives in the middle of the galaxy and wants to borrow Kirk's wheels. Kirk tells God to fuck off. God gets pissed, and hurls fireballs at him, destroying Stonehenge in the process. But he's not really God, so they eat more beans and the movie's over. All that action packed into only two and a half hours. Oh, and Scotty bonks his head.


bowleg> I can't wait to hear them sing campfire songs in GLORIOUS LETTERBOXED FORMAT!
KevinL> You'll finally get to see Shatner's paunch in the full 2.87 to 1 aspect ratio
BryanL1> Edited for content? They put some in?
bowleg> Arrakis. Dune. Aw, never mind.
bowleg> Saaaandstorm...
BryanL1> The planet of Galactic Peace, and damn good cherry pie, Diane.
bowleg> Saaaandstorm...
BryanL1> "Share Your Pain". An almost too appropriate motto for this flick.
Djenk1> BTW, My name's Clinton...Bill Clinton
Q> rock climbing, joel
Ironf> First one that says "Can't see Deforrest for de trees" gets Shot. Ohh, crap.
bowleg> So, 5 minutes into the movie and we have BOTH sandstorm and rock climbing.
KevinL> There was some Deep Hurting, too, but Sybok took it away.
Ironf> Starring William Shatner as Load.
BryanL1> Already, we're supposed to believe that Shatner can haul his sorry, fat ass up a mountain without Ding Dongs being at the top.
bowleg> Outward Bound goes horribly wrong.
Djenk1> Take me down to Paradise City where the Vulcans laugh and the plot is sh**ty
KevinL> Take me down to Paradise City where the sand is tan and the girls got 14 titties.
Q> i don't know but i been told - vulcan love is mighty cold
BryanL1> Space Fries are up.
bowleg> music by Albert Glasser.
Jamie> The Enterprise has gas.
Ironf> Apparently Scotty has already had some beans or something.
* bowleg does Takei voice until someone hits him
* Djenk1 hits bowleg
Jamie> McCoy loves beans, woo woo woo!
Q> oh please, movie - the last thing i wanna see is a start trek/blazing saddles beans scene
KevinL> Oh, no, Terrence. Beans. Looks like we'll be at war with these Indians soon.
BryanL1> Hey, Phillip! What's the secret ingredient in these beans? Ppppppth.
*** Q has quit IRC ((signed off))
BryanL1> Oh my God! The "Row, Row" killed Q! You bastards!
* Q says something muffly behind her orange parka hood.
BryanL1> OK, we're through the worst of it, folks. The song is over.
bowleg> well, there's still several dozen hours to go.
THX-1138> At least Shatner didn't do Tamborine Man.
Jamie> Take only liberties, leave only crappy movies.
bowleg> Ok, I'm already sick of the whole Star Trek thing.
KevinL> Parappa the Rapper is the new computer voice?
Jamie> Shatner's also got a shirt that says, "Just Suck."
Ironf> And one that says "Just Screw It!'
bowleg> wow, Starfleet uses Video Toasters.
Jamie> I thought they used replicators to make their space toast.
bowleg> hey space cut it out with the space jokes.
KevinL> But they're so space funny.
Jamie> Kirk captains from his Barcaspacelounger.
BryanL1> Meanwhile, on the monitors, Uhura's defragging her hard drive.
BryanL1> Why is there a wireframe schlong on Spock's monitor?
Jamie> That's the Space Jonah, Bryan.
Djenk1> Starfleet security: We Do more dying before 8 am than most troops do all day
BryanL1> Elite Paunchy Strike Force Alpha!
Jamie> The Incredibly Strange Uhura Who Got Mixed-Up and Agreed to Do This Bizarre Dance.
BryanL1> Nichelle Nichols IS Eartha Kitt IN the Gypsy Rose Lee story.
bowleg> rhubarb rhubarb space rhubarb
BryanL1> See! The damn letterbox is cutting off their feet!
Jamie> Bryan, I may have to kill you.
KevinL> But you lose the whole bottom and top of the movie!!!
Jamie> Scotty eats all he takes.
bowleg> Scotty would eat aluminium siding if it were smothered in gravy.
bowleg> Yeah yeah yeah, he shares their pain, they meet a fake space god, etc etc. etc. Yawn.
bowleg> You see, Spock. I am your space father.
KevinL> So, if you eat Lorna Doones in the Brig, are they Brig-a-Doones?
Jamie> If Brak was in space prison, he'd be Brig-a-Brak?
Kathmandu> If Bambi were in space prison, would she be a Brig-a-deer?
Jamie> Kirk has to take a space dump.
BryanL1> Kirk has to drop a couple of friends off at the space lake.
Djenk1> He is Sybok of Bore...resistance is futile.
Jamie> It's worse than that, we're dead Jim, dead Jim, dead Jim.
KevinL> That Turboshaft is one mean mutha...
Kathmandu> did he say Litterboxed edition?
KevinL> I hate litterboxed movies, 'cause they cut off the crap on the top and bottom.
Q> heaven's gate crap rubbed off on you at last, eh uhura?
BryanL1> Come on, McCoy. Don't be dark.
bowleg> Supressive persons!
THX-1138> Let your thetan go.
BryanL1> Pain and pain. What is pain?
bowleg> I was born in a cave my father built.
bowleg> What's good for John Travolta and Kirstie Alley is good for Leonard Nimoy!
Ironf> Shatner's fear: A strong burst of wind.
KevinL> I like my pain. I need my pain. I'm into that kind of kinky stuff.
Djenk1> I love my gay dead pain.
BryanL1> If everyone doesn't stop feeling everyone else's pain, this is gonna turn into one of "those" chat rooms.
Djenk1> The weather started getting rough, the Enterprized was tossed.
BryanL1> Arrakis. Dune.
bowleg> Boring planet?
Djenk1> Beep! This is God, your message is very important to me...
* bowleg punches Jamie
Jamie> This was *not* my idea.
* Jamie glares at Bryan.
* bowleg punches whoever thought of it
BryanL1> I didn't bring it up...
* bowleg punches everyone, then collapses into the foetal position
* Jamie glares at Q.
* bowleg turns into an eagle and then dropkicks Q
* KevinL punches cat, just to get in on the punchin'
BryanL1> Look! We're fighting amongst ourselves! Can't you see what this movie is doing to us!!!! Think of the children!
Q> so, god lives in a disco, then?
Kathmandu> too bad Connery couldn't add this movie to his credits alongside of Zardoz
BryanL1> And Highlander 2.
Jamie> and The Rock
Q> whoah, the planet's got a boner, dude!
Q> so this is mc rib-henge, eh?
KevinL> That was the original ending of the Abyss, before Cameron decided it should take place in the ocean.
Jamie> So, God basically runs a third-rate light show?
KevinL> Laser God!
Ironf> Everyone knows that Shatner thinks himself to be god.
Jamie> It's worse than that, he's God, Jim!
bowleg> give me this ship or I'll haaaaarm you!
Kathmandu> So, Captain Kirk gave God a photon torpedo suppository and we lived happily everafter.
Ironf> Go-Go Spock ears.
BryanL1> Good old unemotional swearing Spock.
Q> stephen spawking!
THX-1138> Do you Enterprise take this Bird of Prey...
Jamie> They *almost* dared to represent space as three-dimensional, there.
Jamie> Shatner ate god, and now he has heartburn.
Djenk1> Maybe he's somewhere in your left arota?
BryanL1> Aorta pound you.
Djenk1> Bry: Your vein of humor is bloody strange
Jamie> Oh, no. Here we row again.
THX-1138> So, who's the wife in this "family," McCoy or Spock?
Jamie> It's a gay Mormon thing, THX.
bowleg> There was no deity. God was found, alive and of normal size, 2000 miles away in Pat Robertson's brain.
BryanL1> Kill, kill, kill, me now!
BryanL1> Crappily, crappily, crappily, crappily
Djenk1> And who on earth is playing that masuki?
Jamie> So, what did we learn from the "movie"?
Kathmandu> we learned that God is an asshole
BryanL1> We learned that letting Shatner write is a bad idea, and letting Shatner write AS HE GOES ALONG is an even worse idea.
THX-1138> IF God visits you, kick him in the groin.
Djenk1> I learned that Shatner needs to beaten within an inch of his life with a dircetors chair.
bowleg> I learned I shouldn't go against my beliefs and watch Space Trek movies.
Jamie> I learned that Star Trek V really really sucks.
Ironf> I learned that if Shtner saw god, he would try to give him a wedgie.
KevinL> I learned that God is a big fake.
Q> i learned that crusty old space dogs can't sing.
bowleg> new rule: no more Trek movies, EVER.
Kathmandu> damn.....can that horn in the background get in tune
BryanL1> What's with the damn whining moose over Goldsmith's Klingon theme?
Q> augh! so who's playing first constipated duck in this orchestra?
THX-1138> Is that a dying goat?
KevinL> Who decided to stick a jazz oboist in the orchestra?!?
Ironf> I learned you can never get any straight answers when asking about downloading. :)
Kathmandu> sounds like someone's trying to step on a stork
Ironf> or a snork.
THX-1138> Downloading is a very private matter which you should only discuss with your priest.


"So DAMN irresponsible!"
"You must be one with the rock..."
"I know you'll whip her into shape, Scottie."
"You know, you two could drive a man to drink..."
"Get that damn light out of my face!!!"
"Stop it, Jim!"
"They made love... with their hearts"
"A fantasy... concoted by pagans!"
"Each man's pain is unique"
"I say that danger is an illusion!"


BryanL1> The god of Ma'Ka'Ri?
M O N S T E R !
                   STAR TREK V
Kingdom: Long-Lost Relative 
Genus: Weak Idea 
Species: Vulcan 
Special Powers: Some weird kind of forced empathy, allowing him to encourage everyone else in the movie to share their pain, or pair off with Shane, or some damn thing. This also makes people join up with him, no matter how goofy his eyebrows are.
Weakness: Theological shock, just about anything else.
Notes: Ah, Sybok. A.K.A. Chuckles. Really, you have to feel sorry for the guy. I mean, he's a poorly thought-out idea to begin with. Then you add in the ignominy of being played by Lawrence Luckinbill instead of Sean Connery. Then put him in Shatner's script, and give him lines like "Let me share your pain", and . . . well, he really didn't have any other lines, did he? I mean, with all that against him, it was no wonder he went looking for God. I'd want an explanation from my creator too.
BryanL1> The god of Ma'Ka'Re'Na?
KevinL> The god of Kra'Ka'Ri?
Jamie> The God of Ma'Ka'Ro'ni?
KevinL> The god of Sa'Ka'Ri'Ot?
Jamie> The God of Sha'Da'Pa'Ra'Dee?
BryanL1> The god of Kwai'Ut'Ri'Ot?
Djenk1> The god of Mi Ne Ki
Ironf> The god of Sa'Ket'Tom'e
Jamie> The God of Sha'Ri'Lu'Is?
BryanL1> The god of Sha'Ka'Mun'Ki?
Jamie> The God of Mel'Tor'Me?
Djenk1> the god Shak Tha Man Kee
Jamie> The Gos of Ma'Ke'Fa'A'Hed?
Kathmandu> God is dead
BryanL1> And so is Neitsche. It's a tie.
KevinL> The god of Sha'Kil'On'Il?

Space Editor: Jamie Plummer.
Space MONSTER! Scribe: Bryan Lambert.