Writers: Rick Berman, Ronald Moore, Braindead Braga
Director: David Carson
Producer: Paramount

Yes, you simpering geek, we gave the HG treatment to Generations. Deal with it. This mess of a "movie" features William Tiberius Shatner ending his career as Captain Kirk, psychically kicking and screaming as Paramount overlords and the ravages of time push him off stage. Taking up his mantle is the youthful and vigorous Jean-Luc Picard, who dreams of settling down with a big family and going on bad acid trips during the holiday season. With no less than fourteen major characters, many thankfully get pushed aside. Oh, and don't miss the twisted group pirate fantasy scene, so layered with bizarre Freudian neuroses you don't want to think about it.

Ironf> They're all dead, Jim.
Balthayzr> "It was the sound of millions of extras crying out."
dungarees> Sting. Calm down, dude!
Jamie> "I have to go back to my Droogs!"
Balthayzr> Hey, Guinan, wanna tell us about the killer Borg that took over your planet now? No?
Jamie> Whoopi wandered in from the Sister Act 2 set, all drunk and smelly.
BryanL> It'll be OK, Whoopi. It'll be years before Turner gets a hold of Theodore Rex.
BryanL> Captain! Two years until I'm the security officer on the Joke of Starfleet!
Jamie> So I guess the Enterprise is a garbage scow now, eh, Scotty?
Jamie> 78 years later... in a bad trip far far away.
* Q gets seasick
dungarees> It's a Playskool boat
Jamie> So, this is Worf's wedding I've been reading so much about.
BryanL> Everyone, batten down the hatches for goofy character development!
Balthayzr> It's a Captain Crunch convention!
Jamie> Kunta Kinte IS Xena: Warrior Princess.
Q> yes it was
Jamie> I thought it was funny.
BryanL> I thought it was funny.
Brak> Not funny my ass. I like the wet...clinging...clothing....ugh! that's her!......
BryanL> Meanwhile, back on the USS Nutnut...
Balthayzr> "Shatner took the part? DAMN!"
BryanL> Everyone pay careful attention to the "It's a MOVIE" lighting.
Jamie> All the pipes are marked GNDN= "Goes Nowhere Does Nothing."
Balthayzr> Data is thinking about an earring?
BryanL> It's a metal Triscuit!
Ironf> Bend over.
dungarees> They have low fat baked emotion chips with olestra now
Balthayzr> Wow! His hair comes off just like Kirks!
dungarees> Whoa...that's a high tech yarmulke
BryanL> I think the screenwriters should have tried lithium.
BryanL> It's Chuckles the Android!
BryanL> "Damp"ening field? Ah, the Wilcox effect.
Jamie> So, they don't have Ex-Lax in the future?
BryanL> No, they have phaser conduits, Jamie. Very precise phaser conduits.
BryanL> His first name's Al. Al Soran. Hah!
BryanL> You know, if Voyager did their lighting like this, they'd have enough energy for the replicators, and then they could kill Neelix.
Ironf> "The Picard who lost all his hair at 16. That was me."
Balthayzr> Ok. We've seen Data laugh, and Picard cry. Who's next to break character?
BryanL> A level 12 shockwave? That'll take forever to download! The porn animation isn't worth it!
Balthayzr> Warp one? Is Picard paying for the gas??
Jamie> The Nexus was kind of like the Edsel of luxury cars.
Balthayzr> "And then I had to work with this farting dinosaur on his first case...."
BryanL> Guinan and Picard are whispering about the Clockwork Orange guy.
dungarees> If you go, they will come...wait that's not right
dungarees> Man, Patrick Stewart definitely was a forceps baby
Jamie> "Captain, Paul Harvey heartily endorses the Bozeman's radio."
Q> this scene needs stephen hawking to come in and start kicking both their asses
Jamie> "Meridian Three. A good place to raise your kids up, sir."
dungarees> Roooooxanne
Jamie> "If I can be your prisoner, you can be my long lost pal."
BryanL> No, Jamie. Soran's name is "Al".
Balthayzr> Never trust a blonde man with a black beard....
Jamie> About time someone shut Crusher up.
Balthayzr> Just do a Nexus search!
BryanL> Paging Dr. Freud!
BryanL> Oh, wait. We're not qualified to talk about the big phallic thing. Nevermind. :)
Jamie> The Federation Panty Shields Testing Grounds.
Balthayzr> And once again, we ask the question "Who keeps running 50,000 volts thru the operating panels?"
BryanL> Quick! Saucer separation! Head for the giant teacup!
BryanL> Maybe they shouldn't have put multiple quarters in teh Magic Fingers on the bridge.
Balthayzr> No airbags?
BryanL> Planet of the Pink Men!
BryanL> Meanwhile, in Tiny Tim world...
Jamie> Wait a minute! Where's his daughter Marissa??!!
BryanL> Ah, the Supernova Hallmark Keepsake Ornament.
BryanL> He's still PINK. Why is Picard so damn PINK?
Q> nexus-burn
Jamie> All his children have eight names and rule their own sector of spacetime.
Jamie> "Guinan, can I have my own Lexus?"
Brak> You'd think his happiness would be an all you can eat buffet, not chopping wood.
Ironf> Anything in the world is his here, yet he still has the fake hair.
BryanL> Shatner's pink too.
Ironf> I think the Shatner 2000 is overheating.
BryanL> William Shatner IS David Rosengarten IN the Martha Stewart story.
dungarees> I know how real this must seem to a screaming loony like you, james
Balthayzr> So, Kirk's greatest wish is to fry eggs?
BryanL> Yeah, energy ribbon. I know it sounds goofy. Braga got into the 'shrooms again. Just play along, Bill.
Balthayzr> Did I just switch on the Food Network?
Jamie> BAM!
Jamie> Shatner's gonna kick it up a notch!
BryanL> Neither of these guys are Emeril, Jamie.
Ironf> That is one funky bedroom.
* Q refrains very hard from making a christopher reeve comment
BryanL> His name is James T. Kirk. He killed your father. Prepare to... that's not right. Can I start over?
Q> they're gonna intimidate each other by a manly show of paunches
Jamie> Captains Courageousish.
BryanL> Wasn't this thing vertical 30 seconds ago?
Q> i hear that happens as a bridge gets older, bry
Balthayzr> He looks so Sting-in-Dune like....
Balthayzr> And Kirk was found, alive and of normal size 50 miles away.
BryanL> It's the Battle of Done Kirk! Hah!
Ironf> "I'm dead, me"
dungarees> This was totally Picard's agenda all along
BryanL> And who can blame him?
Q> and millions of hairpiece companies around the galaxy mourn
TomServo> He wasn't a smart man... he wasn't that good looking either... but he... well, he wasn't much of a captain either. Oh well.
Jamie> Some family outfitted at Eddie Bauer is gonna come by and kick over all the stones tomorrow.
shred> what does the prime directive say about crashing into planets?
Jamie> So, what did we learn?
Balthayzr> I learned that Enterprises have a bad habit of crashing around Kirk...
shred> I learned Nexus may make good hair care products, but at what cost?
Ironf> I learned that Shatner's hair will outlive him by about 10 years.
dungarees> I learned that the damage done by Sting's character in Dune was worse than I previously thought
Q> i learned never to submit a movie to be compressed for time
BryanL> I learned that getting ops just isn't worth it.
Jamie> I learned that not having Troi speak much is A Good Thing.
dungarees> I learned that having Thai food and missing Troi entirely is a Good Thing

"Grunt.... grunt... grunt."
"They say time... is the fire that must be burned."
"When you said to Commander Riker that the clown can stay, but the Ferengi in the monkey suit has to go!"
"Ha ha ha! Mr. Tricorder!"
"[inaudible whisper]"
"Sir. The explosion has produced a level 12 shockwave."
"You're not going to want to come back."
"Ambient magnetic fields... WAIT! The Bozeman!"
"He's trying to make the ribbon come to him!"
"Kirk. James T. Kirk. . . . Beautiful day."
"Something is missing. UH!"
"This is not your bedroom."

This HG capsule brought to you by the letter Omicron and Jamie Plummer