x108 TANK (4/12/98)

Directed by Marvin J. "I Was a Mail Order Bride" Chomsky
Written by Dan "Terror in the Mall" Gordon
Produced by Richard McWhorter, Irwin "Men at Work" Yablans

This A&E Biography special on Tank McNamara is the record holder for lowest rated Biography episode, pulling a 0.1 share. Critics blame the low ratings to the experimental methods of director Marvin Chomsky who, instead of using the traditional Biography techniques millions have grown to love, decided to insert a "plot," make up facts and events, and use symbolism - Tank McNamara would be symbolized by a Sherman tank. Hiring James Garner to play Master Sgt. Slaughter, Chomsky thought he'd be able to pull in countless Rockford Files fans. His plan would have worked had he not casted C. Thomas Howell as the gay son or former Three's Company whore and Infinite Dress spokesslut, Jenilee Harrison as the town hooker. The story begins when Garner stops a deputy from raping a pigeon, thereby humiliating the deputy in front of the toothless farmers. The deputy cries to his dad, who happens to be the town's cross dressing sheriff and Garner, who refuses to apologize, becomes a marked man. The sheriff arrests Garner's son, played by the aforementioned, laughable C. Tomasito Howell on charges of Budan posession. Unfortunately, Howell uses his one phone call to not contact his father, but to phone in a bomb threat to the local brothel. Without proper representation, Howell is sent to a conditioning camp where he makes shoes for Nike and gets daily anal shock therapy. Garner eventually finds out through the grape vine about his son and uses his tank, played by Transformer Autobot Warpath, to rescue him. The two, accompanied by Jenilee Harrison, make a run to the state border. The hick triumvirate get stuck in a giant field of mud and diarrhea but are rescued by some gay bikers. In the end, Boss Hogg gets his just desserts and Jenilee gets cured of her VD.

Tank04.JPG BillBear> GD Spradlin gets top billing?
Jamie> I think I loathe this, so what am I so afraid of?
BillBear> Jenilee Harrison, fresh from her triumphant turn as Chrissies replacement on Threes Company.
Jamie> HOw did he get the tank? He beat the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs at craps or something?
BillBear> Tank was filmed before a live studio audience.
* BillBear is reminded of that guy that went nuts with a tank on the San Diego freeway
Jamie> The Don't Ask Don't Tell Lounge.
THX-1138EB> I'm not gonna play the juke box, I'm gonna rape you on a pinball machine.
BillBear> Yeah, Bingo is so hot in today's army.
THX-1138EB> So this isn't the Great Santini. How disappointing. I think I shall cry.
BillBear> Only James Garner could make a sea shanty sound like a funeral dirge.
BillBear> Your town, your whore...was that in some part of the constitution I missed?
THX-1138EB> And Garner kills some punks who try to kill his wife and ends up on a plane filled with convicts.
BillBear> His doorbell was made by the commpany that makes game show buzzers.
Ironf> Bring me the head of BABE!
* BillBear is upset we didn't get to watch the spanking.
Ironf> Ahh from the Boss Hogg Collection.
BillBear> Sheriff Hogg is strangely unfamiliar with military law seeing as how his jurisdiction is near a base.
THX-1138EB> You know, I've heard the "more than one way to skin a cat" thing many times, but I'd really like a list.
BillBear> A military man prone to violence? Who would have thought?
Tank04.JPG BillBear> So...the army just let him take some time off to serve time?
THX-1138EB> Is he being held in a the hold of a ship?
Ironf> Tank, the only movie bold enough to explore teenage cellblock love.
BillBear> So, talking to whore is tantamount to having sex with one in this part of the country? I hope they're rates are lower at least.
Ironf> Yes, talk is cheap.
BillBear> The irony is, he's actually going to attack the small town with his sailboat.
BillBear> Play us home, Jan Hammer!
THX-1138EB> This music induces vomiting.
Ironf> He has been stockpiling ammo for the last 10 years for just such an time.
BillBear> This is like really bad Olympic fanfare music.
BillBear> He's hoping he'll find a reason to use that small nuclear warhead he squirelled away when inspecting a sub.
BillBear> And so, Thomas the Tankfinally earned the respect of the other tanks...
Jamie> The ACLU should take a cue from Jim and get them some tanks.
Ironf> Did you know that that tank is actually cardboard and Garner is just wlking. IIIIIIIIITTTTT'SSS TRUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEE!!
BillBear> So, he stops in to see his whore just before he rescues his son?
Ironf> His tank runs on whore power.
Ironf> Tits a bit nipply out there, isn't it.
THX-1138EB> How many Pepsi points did he need to get that tank?
Tank04.JPG Jamie> James Garner is a bit of a maverick, isn't he?
BillBear> The white zone is for crushing county property by tanks only.
Ironf> Whore, you wanna ride in a real mans vehicle?
* BillBear hums stripping music
BillBear> James Cromwell has manly pecs.
Ironf> Please no more nude Zefram.
BillBear> That's it, I'm quitting this damn deputy job and moving out to the country to raise sheep.
Jamie> They cut the scene where Garner violated the deputy with the tank.
Ironf> Always like country hicks to bring shotguns to a tank fight.
BillBear> So...the movie's over, right?
BillBear> Or is the rest of it abouit the protracted legal battles, like an episode of Law & Order?
BillBear> And the brave James Garner frees his son...and about 50 murderers, rapists, and child molestors.
Ironf> She is dirty and grimy and all, yet her nipples are still rather hard. How whorish.
BillBear> Good grief, she's only been out of bed for 2 hours and already she needs to bathe naked in a stream?
BillBear> Yes, its illegal to mobilize the armed forces against United States citizens...damn jew lawyers!
BillBear> The Cracker Squad: In Color!
Jamie> This is like that movie SAHARA, only it's Garner in Alabama instead of BOgart in Algeria.
BillBear> So...are they trying to tell us the sheriff is evil?
BillBear> He was trained by ninjas while serving in Korea.
Ironf> The whore let me lick her. For a five spot
Tank04.JPG BillBear> Now about this time the Duke boys had broken into an armory and stole a tank...
BillBear> Whore logic is really irrefutable.
THX-1138EB> Yeah! More civilians to get in the way of a dangerous tank!
Ironf> We need a giant Super Dave Osborn ramp!
BillBear> Oooh, looks like the whore's developed an attachment to the boy.
Ironf> This was the feelgood hit of the year, wasn't it?
BillBear> It's the wackiest tug of war ever!
Ironf> haw haw haw It's funny
BillBear> And C Thomas suddenly thinks he's in "Taps" and opens fire.
BillBear> And the whore is till perky!
BillBear> I'm so happy, I've forgotten my internal bleeding!
BillBear> The cast of Tank would like to wish you a merry christmas and a happy hannukah to all you jew lawyers out there.
THX-1138EB> I believe enlistment went down after this movie came out
BillBear> But everybody that owned a tank was really excited to find out that it would be okay for them to use it to combat small-town injustice.

"Why'd you have to do that? He always slaps me around a bit."
"Ok Sambo, you win this one."
"Our son is not gonna be handled by good 'ole boys!"
"I'm getting a doctor. You're coughing up blood."
"But they do have a tank"
"Why would anyone want to own a Sherman tank?" "Because it's very hard to shoot yourself while you're cleaning it."

THX-1138 is also sick of tank jokes.