X153 WILLOW (8/8/98)

Directed by Ron "Clint's Little Bro" Howard
Written by Bob "Far and Away" Doleman

Willow is one of those films that reaches right out and grabs you by the crotch. It would go higher, but it couldn't. Warwick Davis is Willow, a smaller version of Captain Caveman that roams the countryside looking to become the David Copperfield of his kind. Billy Barty, the grand wizard, tells him that he isn't ready. So anyway, Wicket goes and finds Moses' sister drifting in the river and Billy Barty tells him to return it to the big people where she belongs. After getting together a band of impish warriors, they set off. They find Batman in a cage, who upon releasing takes over the campaign. They find some people even smaller then themselves called Brownies, who are obviously high. They also find this old chick that is currently in animal form. Finally they get to the big castle, and all the warriors are turned to pigs, while Willow does some bad stage magic and two old ladies fight. Also Skeltor is nowhere to be seen in this film.


Ironf> Edited AND expanded, that translates to quality you knowufgood3.jpg - 10.23 K
mgrasso> warthogs come running for the great taste of placenta!
Bice> I'm planning on bringing my kid home in a wicker basket too.
BEMaven> They should weed that title.
Bice> She's gonna bump into Merlin carrying Arthur the other direction.
Ironf> I wonder if Lucas talks of this much the same way as Howard the Duck?
mgrasso> dwarf children... good old fashioned nightmare fuel
CitizenNancy> this is the third baby this week, we eat this one
mgrasso> we got tolkien's lawyers on the phone.
Ironf> Looks like they're having a small get together
mgrasso> and it's off to his night job: dwarf bowling
BEMaven> Ren Festival on a heavy gravity planet.
mgrasso> billy "minor chord arrival music" barty.
Bice> Gandorf.
mgrasso> yes, it's miller hobbit. at the end of the week running away from deranged warthogs, you'll need to unwind with friends
Ironf> He may be smaller than a normal person, but he sweats just as much
mgrasso> not at all the fellowship of the ring. not at all.
Ironf> Please no fat dwarf in moo-moo urination shots
mgrasso> "galadorn..." "merdor...".... you know, it's like he put all the syllables from tolkien in a hat and drew some at random
Ironf> I bet val actually could have chunks the size of these guys in his stool
Bice> That kid's goin' in the first dumpster he passes.
Ironf> Good thing they didn't tolerate overacting in this movie
mgrasso> you know, soon after warwick davis got this role, he was offered numerous job offers: doorstop, paperweight, animatronic elf at disneyworld...nescover.jpg - 19.57 K
Ironf> Welcome to Medsized Times
BEMaven> Implied beastiality and cross-dressing. ron howard's film for the whole family.
BEMaven> Those brownies couldn't be anymore annoying if they were mimes.
mgrasso> there's a nasty four-horse pile-up on dirt road B this morning... use alternate routes
Ironf> NOT Skeletor, I repeat, NOT SKELETOR.
Ironf> Is peck just the general derogatory word, or just for the wee fellows?
BEMaven> They arrived at Val's coke stash.
mgrasso> val wakes and bakes every day, man... just a little brownie dust, maaaan
Ironf> It's NOT an addiction. BACK OFF MAN!
mgrasso> that baby is made out of the same stuff they make flight recorders out of.
Bice> Kids come running for genital mutilation references.
Ironf> Well at least Lucas stole most of it from his own properties
mgrasso> the baby is used in much the same way that place cards were used in silent movies. need to get to a new scene? just drop a tight closeup of the baby.
Ironf> Dorf on Gymkata
* Bice is ashamed to admit that this is one of the first flicks he and Mrs. Bice saw together in a theater
mgrasso> this is kinda like chuck in his armory in the omega man
Ironf> Buy action dress Kilmer where you bank and shop
mgrasso> kung fu grip sold separatelt
mgrasso> castle built by zack the lego maniac
BEMaven> Mother does that to all the men Sorcia brings home.billyb.jpg - 11.67 K
Ironf> Is she Mummra's sister
Bice> Oh boy, naked elderly chicks. This movie's got EVERYTHING!
Bice> Not being Catholic, this is what I imagine Mass must be like.
BEMaven> David Warner doesn't know what he missed.
*** BJ (BJ@m004.downs.dave-world.net) has joined #MST-HomeGame
anyone A FEMALE????
mgrasso> oh, i'm not in the mood for this shit
*** mgrasso sets mode: +o mgrasso
*** BJ has quit IRC ((signed off))
Ironf> HooHaa
mgrasso> fucker.
mgrasso> i would've liked to have booted his ass
BEMaven> funny how directors who inject digs against critics wind up making bombs.
Ironf> Why is it raining indoors?
BEMaven> All those candles set the sprinklers off.
Ironf> I'll go with that
Ironf> 'It's a trick, get an axe.'mad_sword.jpg - 14.31 K
Bice> Grandma fist fight. That's just so....wrong.
THX-1138> Yub yub!
Ironf> Oddly enough, that's the first Ewok ref THX, even with it actually being Warwick Davis
mgrasso> i learn that repeating and stealing riffs doesn't make them funnier
Ironf> I learned that we need to tighten up the screening process yet again.
BEMaven> I learned Val Kilmer in anything but a towel is overdressing.
mgrasso> but, i also learned that dwarfs are people too
Bice> I learned that no amount of special effects can save a movie. But the makers of ID4 and Godzilla apparently didn't.
Ironf> I also learned that short people got, short people got, short people got no reason to live.
THX-1138> I learned there was enough Hank the Angry Drunk Dwarf in the movie.
BEMaven> I learned to loathe the word "brownies"

ps15.jpg - 40.35 K

"Don't touch it. We don't know where it's been."
"Hor's to blame?"
"Give me some water, you peck!"
"I.... feel...... BETTER!""Wanna breed?"
"Dreezble, Drabble, Druzzle, Drome.."
"The last thing she's gonna want it a hairy chest."
"It stinks, the whole thing stinks."
"I've got experience in this sort of thing"
"I don't love her, she kicked me in the face."
"It is pitch dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue."
"It was just my old disappearing pig trick."

Ironf rolled a 6, plus a +2 to hit.