X195 WATCHERS (1/9/99)

Directed by Jon "Alligatropolis" Hess
Written by Dean "Demon Seed" Koontz
Produced by Mary "Rad" Eilts

Watchers is not the story of those devoted souls who train and care for the chosen Vampire Slayer, but rather about amateur hard core beastiality film stars and the people who buy their movies. That's all to be expected actually as the movie's primary source of funding was The North American Man Dog Love Association. Corey Haim (The other white Corey), is a young boy living in an Oedipal wunder-land with delusions of sexual stardom. Haim's Travis has slummed his whole life away starring with his mom in low budget, real video, S&M porns. After reading about the great life of a beastiality porn star on Usenet, Haim hits the streets to find an animal so he can make his own beastiality movie. Coincidentally, escaping from an obligatorily evil genetic research lab is man's, soon to be Haim's, best friend. Kismit brings the two together and after some coaxing by Haim involving a Scooby Snack and Vaseline, the two make their first film. Unfortunately, the evil genetic lab with its government grants wants the dog back because it's uber intelligent and has Spock's brain. Enlisting the help of Lem Johnson, portrayed by Michael Ironside, the evil lab tracks down Poochie. The movie bides its time with some dog on boy, mother on son, mother on dog, and mother on dog on son stuff. Eventually, Lem catches up with everyone and we discover Lem himself is a gentic freak of nature with a really bendy thumb, magnetic colon, and Go-go-gadget shoes. Anyway, Haim and the dog team up on Lem Ace & Gary style until his head explodes. It's family fun for all in this Koon classic. And Maltin gave it *1/2

watchr02.JPG GersonK> When they wanted to speed up the mucis, they put a bowl of meow mix on one end of the synth
Ironf> was it a Carpenter special mix?
* BEMaven has the sudden urge to shove the synthesizer in David Cronnenberg's stomach.
Balthayzr> Based on a bowel movement by Stephen King.
BEMaven> a garage sale at the fireworks factory seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ironf> Your "monster" folks
GersonK> The guy in the sweater is a member of parliament.
SaDaGo> Every evil mastermind needs a globe in his supersecret hangout
Balthayzr> Wow, Captain Exposition was johnny-on-the-spot for this movie.
BEMaven> shot in tick and flea collar cam.
Balthayzr> This assumes every enemy of the U.S. can't resist a cute dog.....
Saddam> Oh, what a cute doggie! Here, boy! Come to Saddam!"
Balthayzr> Corey gets some. This proves the movie is fiction.
SaDaGo> They used a stunt double for that grope
BEMaven> pimple sex and fugitive dogs..who the hell did the demographics on this thing?
Balthayzr> You'd never guess most of the dialogue in this movie was ad-libbed, would you?
Spooon> What is it about dogs and trucks?
Balthayzr> Dogs love Trucks.
GersonK> This is gonna turn into a bestiality snuff film, I can just tell.
Balthayzr> I hear George Kennedy did the last-minute dubbing for both the Monster and the Dog.
MSTPoopie> When barnyard animals attack, part 4. On Fox.
Balthayzr> And the dog proceeds to out-act corey immediatly buy piddling on the truck. watchr03.JPG
Ironf> My WEED!
SaDaGo> so, which one is the romantic lead?
Balthayzr> The truck.
MSTPoopie> The dog.
BEMaven> so this movie is Kibble and Tits?
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, Kolchack has the monster cornered in a storm drain....
GersonK> They're using the same sound effects for the dog eating as when Corey was making out
THX-1138> This is gonna be like the scene at the end of Boogie Nights, isn't it
Balthayzr> And the pooch misinterpets a command from his trainer and rips Corey's throat out.
GersonK> This'll never work, my mom insists I only date upright species
Balthayzr> Wow, nice 8 X 10 glossies the monster has. Wonder who his agent is.
THX-1138> Not Yaphet Kotto, but an poor simulation
Balthayzr> Did Corey get his hair cut by a Flowbie?
GersonK> Yeah, the dog's better housetrained than Corey
Balthayzr> Furface? Did he sit up all night dreaming up insulting names for a monster-controlling dog?
Ironf> That's the command to submissivly urinate
Balthayzr> Hey! That was my only copy of LaserBlast!!
BEMaven> smart dog. he knows not to dial 10-10-321.
Balthayzr> Relive the exciting No Dogs In School Plot Point!!!
Balthayzr> To repeat: Air Bud III: The Hacker.
BEMaven> 'stupid dog! you forget to turn on Spell Check.'
Ironf> He types like Shatner speaks "D..anger N...S...O..."
BEMaven> this is science fiction. who the hell uses an outline font on a Macintosh.
Balthayzr> And, for a dog who can't seem to keep off the space key, he center-justifies his text rather well. watchr04.JPG
Balthayzr> Hot Door-Kicking Action!!
Ironf> here's that piston imagry that was missing at the faux sex scene in the start
Balthayzr> In his spare time, Furface invents the Steam Engine.
BEMaven> I'm using Mac shareware created by some dog with a pencil.
Balthayzr> So, the monster catches people, kills them, and makes them wear joke springy-eye glasses.
THX-1138> Sanford and Sons wants their pick up back.
Balthayzr> It's Trog!!!
THX-1138> He got the blood mixed with the whites! Damn him!
BEMaven> actually, the monster is Barney Rubble, out to steal some Coco peebles.
Balthayzr> Making a bad movie? Are your protagonists looking for a place to hide? Just head down to the Shwartz Motel!
THX-1138> Mother doesn't allow pets!
BEMaven> furface is gone...but he left a rose on the pillow.
BEMaven> 'what the hell?...there are dog hairs in the shower!'
THX-1138> What are you talking about. I came up here for an affair.
BEMaven> The Irish are about the only immigrants who haven't been whacked in this movie.
Balthayzr> (admirigly) Rowsdower!
Balthayzr> I hope, that when my time comes, I can work up more dignity than to yell "BLAAAAAGHAAAAUGHHBLUUUUUUUUUGH!!"
BEMaven> dammit, the dog always beats me at Scrabble.
BEMaven> so they forget about the monster while the dog beats the kid's ass at Stratego.
Balthayzr> Corey soon discovers you can't make Molotov cocktails out of Root Beer.
Grivvon> I guess they called it Watchers to give the illusion we watched it at theaters
BEMaven> the perfect killing machine has no conscience, no grammar, and male pattern baldness? watchr07.JPG
Balthayzr> The perfect killing machines gives warnings and lectures before it kills?
THX-1183> And the uberdog humps his leg to death.
Balthayzr> Dammit, women, move to protect me!!
Grivvon> One of the rejects from the rehearsals of Alf goes on a killing spree
THX-1183> If it can bleed, we can kill it
Balthayzr> "I ain't got time to bleed!"
Balthayzr> Oh, goodie. He killed I.R.Baboon.
BEMaven> 'cornelius!'
Balthayzr> "Zoinks! He de-occulated Scooby!!"
Balthayzr> Smartest dog in the world, Highest IQ ever, and he doesn't learn to stay out of this thing's clutches?
Grivvon> Well he's only book smart
THX-1183> So, the message is don't buy japanese SUVs, but old American pick ups
Balthayzr> And, the movie ended as it began. With fire, and us having no idea what's going on.
Grivvon> This could have all been prevented with stricter leash laws
Balthayzr> I learned absolutly nothing, except to renew my hatred of all things Corey.
Ironf> I learned it's not a real Corey movie unless both Corey Haim AND Corey Feldman are present
THX-1183> That's it? Giles didn't even show up!
Grivvon> Well children, the moral of the story is if you see an extremely intelligent dog, put a bullet through it to save time watchr08.JPG

"Yeah right, well..."
"There ain't no Tooth Fairy, ain't no Santa Clause, and there ain't no Sasquatch."
"How smart's a crazy person?"
"...obsessed with removing its occular orbs."
"Get a haircut, doof."
"Mom, get dressed."
"Remind me to spank you."

In the late 80's Corey Haim saw his career faltering because people often confused him with the 80's "bad boy" Corey Feldman. In an effort to stop this career slide, Haim's agents created the now famous "The Other White Corey" campaign. Ads plastered bus stops and billboards all over LA. Trade magazines found themselves entirely devoid of content and filled only with Haim ads. In the end, the media blitz did little to jump start Haim's DOA career. Instead, without the much needed support from Chinese investors, the million dollar campaign drove him into the arms of the only mistress that would accept his has-been ass, Chapter 11. In the traditional HG effort to educate and inform, we bring you the Quick and Easy Guide to Identifying Your Coreys from the popular Corey Field Identification Manual.

Corey Scott Feldman Corey Ian Haim
Born in the USA Born in CANADA
Bought LSD from a German Released a CD in Germany
Friends with Michael Jackson Lived with Tito Jackson
Has a pet lizard named Diny Has a skin lizard named Tiny
feldman.jpg haim.jpg
1. Glue on Elvis sideburns 1. Clip on earing...on left ear
2. Goatee made of yak hair 2. Supercuts haircut style #27 (Dipity Doo hair gel)
3. Faux paparazzi face hide AKA Maneuver of the Stars 3. Chin implant
4. Jean Mitchell maximum hold moose 4. Collagen lips
5. Hair plugs 5. Rouge, Max Factor
6. Nose job (by Michael Jackson's surgeon)

Feldman imitates his favorite puppet from Puppet Master, Retro Blade.
Haim sports his GKAS t-shirt.


THX-1138 watches Giles watch Buffy.