x205 WHITE LIGHTNING (2/7/99)

Written by William "I Dismember Mama" Norton
Directed by Joseph "Colossus: The Forbin Project" Sargent

Arkansas, 1973. Bill Clinton was merely a young law professor, stealing a grope from the co-eds who lived, impregnating the ones who wound up with a shotgun blast to back of the head. Chelsea was no more than a gleam in Webb Hubbell's eye. Yet, corruption was already rampant in Arkansas. And BURT was there to put a stop to it! The film opens with two young men being Arkancided and sent to the bottom of swamp by corrupt Arkansas sheriff Ned Beatty. Burt takes a blood oath to make Sheriff Ned squeal like a pig, which could be hard since he's in jail digging ditches and selling his plasma all day. So he hooks up with a Fed to spring him so he might "infiltrate" Beatty's intricate moonshine/Clorox racket. He receives help from an obviously stoned Jack McGee, (in an uncredited cameo), who thinks he's still chasing after the Incredible Hulk. Burt sleeps with someone or other's wife, infiltrates a nun-run home for unwed mothers, hits on a college hippie chick, gets in a few car chases and brings down Beatty, who I think died somehow by the time the movie was over. All this of course, set the stage for the thrilling sequel, GATOR.

Balthayzr> Edited for Political Correctness.
my-crow-soft> United "Crappy" Artists
BEMaven> a whole town left their tubs running?
Balthayzr> Ned Beatty squeals like a pig here, too.
my-crow-soft> so Ironf is this the kind of people you live by ?
Balthayzr> And a young Bill Clinton is hauled off to the draft office.
Plumm> teets! TEETS TEETS!
BEMaven> filmed on location in Georgia. funded by the Alabama board of Tourism.
Balthayzr> "We couldn't afford a Tunnel of Love, so you'll just have to settle for a Swamp of Bondage."
Balthayzr> "Today on the Crocodile Hunter, I'm gonna use these 2 boys as bait to attract the big ones..."
Balthayzr> It wasn't a 60's or 70's Reynolds Movie if he didn't take his shirt off at least twice.
BEMaven> Burt got his Southern accent from Pee Wee's Playhouse.
Balthayzr> Shouldn't Llewelyn be interviewing people leaving The People's Court?
Balthayzr> Yes, folks, this is either the sequel or the prequel to Gator. And, guess what, it doesn't matter either way.
Plumm> A murderous sherrif in Arkansas?!
Balthayzr> The sad, final fate of Holly Hobby.
Balthayzr> Arkansas cells are nice and roomy, huh?
Plumm> Why next thing you know, they'll say DA Dan Harmon killed Kevin Ives and Don Henry and laid their bodies on the railroad tracks and put the only witness in jail on trumped-up drug charges! OUTRAGEOUS!
Balthayzr> Uh, I'm not even gonna ask why he's got a brown stain on the seat of his pants.
BEMaven> Burt: 'where's my damn good humor truck?'
Plumm> ' Attention all prisoners: It's Double Percodan Daze at the Blood Donation Center! '
Balthayzr> Isn't it a little tacky to make him dig his own grave?
Balthayzr> Also, is it a good idea to teach an escaping prisoner to dig tunnels?
Balthayzr> Eh, the sheriff's just mad because he lost the part in Inherit The Wind to Spencer Tracy.
Plumm> Now, you realize, as a federal informant, you can only turn in whiskey-running Sherriffs, not cocaine-running CIA assets.
Balthayzr> Well, now we know where all Shatner's wigs got off to after Trek got canned.
BEMaven> "he's one tough cookie." even the raisins?
Balthayzr> And we have Screeching tires on grass Sign.
BEMaven> is he going to drive naked again?
Balthayzr> Buford T. Justice!
BEMaven> must be headin' to the Dukes reunion.
my-crow-soft> a good chase, only hit 3 kids so far...
Balthayzr> "My location? We'll there's a road, some trees....we're under the earth's sun......now!"
Balthayzr> Wow, 2 southern spinsters.
Plumm> Hi, Kip, you're almost young enough for the gub'nor!
my-crow-soft> ahh good the director jsut put them on mute
Balthayzr> Well, I for one would like to thank the soundtrack for stopping that little scene.
BEMaven> if he runs into a girl who talks to fishes in the pond, i quit.
Balthayzr> Is it me, or is Burt looking more and more like an extra from the Planet of the Apes in every scene?
Plumm> He got probed by them cattle mutilators.
my-crow-soft> no no, hauling luiqer is bad, i mena be a drug dealer or something..
Plumm> mycrow, are you try to break my monopoly on mena jokes?
my-crow-soft> i don't know, is that bad ? I hardly know what mena is really
Plumm> It's the airport in arkansas where Bush, clinton and ollie north flew in all their cocaine.
Plumm> more or less
my-crow-soft> ohh ok, well i'll be sure to not get in the way
Plumm> your father works for the cia, don't you know this stuff?
Balthayzr> Hogan County. Right next to the State of Macho Man.
BEMaven> "are you gonna take down names of liquor people?" 'bout time they busted Cutty Sark.
Balthayzr> "Here's my list so far. James Beam, Jackson Daniels, John Walker Red...."
Ironf> sunday sunday sunday!
Balthayzr> Actually, White Lightning was a member of the original Justice League. Wore a stylized KKK costume, had the ability to toss lightning bolts at everyone different from him...
Balthayzr> Drive fast, and to the left. Fast, and to the left. Fast, and to the left...
BEMaven> is this a motor race or are they just running liquor in circles?
Balthayzr> It's Likker Runnin' School, BEM.
Ironf> Looks like all the budget went into costuming
Balthayzr> The only surviving member of F Troop.
Plumm> We don't need no stinking 21st Amendment!
my-crow-soft> abosolut hillbilly
Balthayzr> How nice for the sun to only shine on the cracker, thus highlighting the "Shine" motif of the movie.
BEMaven> burt, you forgot to light your Molotov.
Ironf> pounding 'yokel' into your brain at 65 miles an hour, this is White lightening
Balthayzr> Barefoot blonds with 5 kids. Is this the south, or what?
BEMaven> it'll make him better? that's clorox!
Balthayzr> Is it some law down south that you have to sweat, no matter what the weather?
Ironf> Know him, I anally raped him last year 3 times
Balthayzr> Welcome to the Arkansas Governor's Mansion.
Plumm> after the 21st amendment, states could handle booze policy however they wanted.
Ironf> look at Burt emote
Plumm> in most (all?) of arkansas it was illegal a long time.
Plumm> there are actually a few dry counties in the south, i think
Ironf> My county was dry till last year
BEMaven> "JC Connors can put me under." he's the Great Lombardi!
Plumm> there ya go
Balthayzr> I think this is the part where we see the Duke Boys go to prison for the first time.
BEMaven> i don't get it. all those bleach bottles but people still wear dirty clothes?
Ironf> BEM, that goes in the moonshine
Balthayzr> Wow, half the town calls him a stoolie to the cops, the rest are falling all over him to give him rum-running jobs.
Balthayzr> Ouch, Burt just got caught in his zipper.
BEMaven> that's the rebel yell? you get the same shout with a wedgie.
Plumm> SO, dude, like some day I will track down that Incredible Hulk.
Balthayzr> "Cmon, Squeal! Squeal like a pig on yer friends!"
Plumm> I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for an Arkancide today.
BEMaven> why is everyone called 'dude'? is this 'Bill and Ted's Moonshine War'?
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, someone on the set decides to practice the banjo.
Balthayzr> Movie Rule #761 - All police departments are at least 3 floors up, so plot conversations can take place on the stairs.
Balthayzr> Wow, they converted Shaft's old office into a police station.
Ironf> Movie Rule #762 - All Southern Sheriffs are on the take, except if they are the star of the movie.
Balthayzr> Movie Rule #763 - Southern Politicians? See Rule # 762.
Plumm> Ironf, I think you got that confused with real life rules.
Balthayzr> Boy, Moonshine running must have been hard. You know how tough it is to hide a gallon of Shine in a body cavity?
Ironf> yes I do
BEMaven> Ned Beatty could. that's why he's the villain.
Balthayzr> And why he walks that way.
Ironf> and he never has to wipe
BEMaven> ned will never Walk Tall.
Plumm> They're just the Burt old boys . . . o/~
Balthayzr> Always making crap films.....o/~
Plumm> RACING GAS $2.59
Plumm> (honest-to-god gas station sign in mentone, AL)
Balthayzr> And the Arkansas Symphony Orchestra goes to town.
BEMaven> why is that train rolling down the street?
Balthayzr> Conductor got lost, BEM.
Plumm> Cause so many trains have one and a half cars.
Balthayzr> I always enjoy how burt links Gum Chewing with Emotion.
Balthayzr> "Paved Road ends every 50 feet."
BEMaven> "son of a bitch"? you'll never get on the Sci-Fi Channel with that kind of language, young man.
Plumm> Okay, who sat on the soundtrack?
Balthayzr> And he runs over Barb Wire.
Ironf> 2 point landing
Ironf> Now joining the Roseanne show already in progress
Balthayzr> What, is a barge some kind of Moonshiner's Safety Zone?
BEMaven> of course, he landed on a manure barge.
Balthayzr> And Jane Hathaway's Mother shows up.
Ironf> Why does Burt yelp like a girl every few mins
Balthayzr> "Look what I pulled out of my nose, maam."
Plumm> So, I was hoping I could embalm marilu henner and coach your football team . . .
BEMaven> is the chase over? i was expecting a DC9 to roll out of an alley.
Balthayzr> Burt keeps checking his pore cleaning strips...
BEMaven> "i hate to eat alone." and she's bulimic.
Balthayzr> Any reason he's molesting the assistant script girl from Hee Haw?
Balthayzr> "What do you do?" "Everyone I can" Wanna rephrase that one, Burt?
Balthayzr> Yes, laughing at stupid northerners that believe all these dumb southern stereotypes.
Plumm> Yeah, most southern cops are too laid back to actually chase anyone.
Balthayzr> The secret Pig Doot Smuggling Ring.
Balthayzr> Welcome to the scenes cut out of Mitchell, everyone.
Balthayzr> The Donkey Kong Cleanup Force.
MOVIE> "How would you like this knife shoved up your ass?"
Balthayzr> "I would love it shoved up my ass. Should we go see a movie and make a date of it?"
Ironf> look it's a vetern character actor
BEMaven> are they carpooling while running moonshine?
Balthayzr> When did Ann Margaret wander onto the set?
Balthayzr> And Gator Slopjars is there!
Ironf> We shall go rejoicing, bringing in the shine
BEMaven> this is too much. they pour moonshine in the collection plate.
Ironf> no, it's the 'holy' water
Balthayzr> Oh, how nice. A young Jocelyn Elders lectures Burt on Masturbation.
Balthayzr> Burt's got a nice diamond pinky ring for a white trash ex-con.
Balthayzr> The Arkansas Mensa Society meeting breaks up early.
Balthayzr> And a young Mike Judge gets the idea for a character named Boomhauer.
my-crow-soft> bringing in the sheets ?
Plumm> Is this what your spread looks like, ironho?
Balthayzr> "Yea, Burt wants Cheesy Poofs!"
Plumm> Cannibal connonball!
* BEMaven waits for the piranha to attack.
my-crow-soft> ohh wow.... we see 5 inches of her flesh ..
TLister> better 5 inches of her than him
Balthayzr> They call him Gator because he drags people to the bottom of lakes and drowns them.
BEMaven> "Now i know why they call you Gator." he stuffs bodies under mud banks?
Plumm> Russia!
Balthayzr> Hippies? Coloreds? What's the world comomg to??
my-crow-soft> huh ?
my-crow-soft> commies ?
Plumm> Excuse while I take bribes from my chinese restauranteur friend who is in no way connected to the PLA.
TLister> "there are times that your learnin' is about as useless as tits on a boar hog."
Balthayzr> The moonshiners are run by the commies? Is this the sequel to The Violent Years?
Plumm> no, balth, it's bill clinton's amerika.
BEMaven> agents for the AAA.
BEMaven> 'if you two don't stop bantering, i'm gonna pull the car over right now.'
Balthayzr> Whoo-Hoo! Store's got a sale on Tab!
Balthayzr> So, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and say Gator doesn't have to file status reports or anything....
Balthayzr> "Door-to-door vague threats, maam."
TLister> get her head outta the crotch of that tree
Plumm> Meanwhile, in a historic landmark.
Balthayzr> White Lightning! Filled with exciting personalities like Red, Dude, and Bubba!
Balthayzr> They get moonshine from milking pigs?
my-crow-soft> hardcore farm fetish... girls with pigs..
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, at Black Sampson's Place...
BEMaven> is that sucking the fat out of her head?
Ironf> 'the best things in life aren't free'
Ironf> "You damn penis-head" Did I hear that right?
Balthayzr> Cemetery Patrol! In Color!
Plumm> Pinball!
TLister> please no mouth to mouth
Balthayzr> There's some Freudian subtext here with Tree Crotches, isn't there?
Plumm> In that Arkansas is America's crotch area, yes.
Plumm> Never meaning no harm.
Balthayzr> You know what she's got in her belly? A tapeworm!
TLister> I know all there is to know about the crying game
Balthayzr> "C'mon, Governer Clinton wants to see you!"
BEMaven> and there's a tatoo with instructions regarding use.
my-crow-soft> there is a totoo... "voted best among customer satisfaction by j.d power and associates"
Balthayzr> Wow, Burt got paintballed.
BEMaven> ...and they run over an Eye Creature.
Plumm> Burt got his wheels from Raymond (not a member of the Dixie Mafia) Clinton's used car lot in Hot Springs.
BEMaven> all those pregnant ladies. burt sure works fast.
Plumm> And now, the BARFING!
Balthayzr> Great. Now, it's the Beguiled.
Balthayzr> Nice of him to wear his best cowboy hat and polo shirt to the funeral.
Balthayzr> "Duke was a good-old boy. Never meaning no harm."
TLister> Conrad's 'Boondocks of Darkness'
TLister> Burt hopes to afford the rest of the shirt next week
Balthayzr> So, Ann margaret is barefoot the whole movie, but was wearing shoes when the kidnappers drug her out of her house?
TLister> those were her 'going to bondage' shoes Balth
Balthayzr> "We was protestin the fact that Starbuck's stopped serving Biscotti!"
Balthayzr> Well, thank heaven Burt ran into Little Miss Exposition.
BEMaven> Just noticed that patch on his face. First Aid by UPS?
Balthayzr> Same patching kit they use on the screen doors, BEM.
Balthayzr> Ahhhhh!!! Burt has a Dr. Evil scar!!
BEMaven> of course. the unwed mothers home is the first place the sheriff looks.
Plumm> Chick Corea did such a brilliant soundtrack.
Plumm> This "Moonshine Thetan Groove" is nothing short of brilliant.
Balthayzr> Uh, shouldn't Burt have written these idiots names down and moved on to the next set of Moonshiners long before this?
BEMaven> all of a sudden, i miss seeing Catherine Bach.
Balthayzr> Mannix!
TLister> well this is certainly no Punisher
Balthayzr> No, it's Punishment.
Balthayzr> So, the sherrif chases moonshiners, but misses the 700 acres of pot they just drove thru?
Balthayzr> Well, by that sound effect, sounds like the Flintstones just joined the chase.
Balthayzr> This was all the Arkansas Police they could spare. The rest are on Bimbo Patrol.
*** Chirpsithra (Chirpsithra@pm3-5-087.ama.arn.net) has joined #MST-HomeGame
Chirpsithra> hi all
BEMaven> "you see me walking, don't you?"
Balthayzr> That's OK, we didn't wanna see the rest of the chase, anyway.
* Chirpsithra looks startled
BEMaven> 'i see you walking kinda funny.'
Balthayzr> Must be hidin' shine up there.
my-crow-soft> you see me bitch don't you ?
Balthayzr> Ah, Bach's Suite #6 for Jaw Harp and Banjo. Lovely.
Chirpsithra> you ppl are fucked!!!!
*** Chirpsithra has quit IRC ((signed off))
Balthayzr> And another positive review rolls in.
BEMaven> wire comb music during a car chase. how did the 'french connection' miss that little touch?
BEMaven> 'Rosscooooooe!'
Balthayzr> So Burt, having defeated all 2 of the villians, goes to see stock footage of a cop funeral.
Plumm> I love the smell of Arkancide in the morning. Smells like . . . victory.
TLister> It's the start of Live and Let Die
BEMaven> a tow truck in a funeral procession?
my-crow-soft> smells like teen spirit, well not really.. more like back sweat

"all them damn hippies."
"it's your wingding."
"he's one tough cookie."
"ugggg I'm sick."
"JC Connors can put me under."
"Ain't this somne Beautiful mess?"
"Hey whadda say Ray."
"Boy that was cute. And I mean cute."
"i burned down a outhouse on the Fourth of July."
"What do you do?" "Everyone I can"
"That shine'll blind you boy."
"If you want it, just say so."
"If you want it, just say so."
"cra-dull robber"
"those draft-dodging, pot-smoking, long-haired, sonsabitches anyhow."
"all they do is cause decision"?
"I was trying to save these two buddies of mine from getting knocked up...by a homosexual."
"You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!"

When Michael Galster's psuedonymously-composed novel Blood Trail was released a few months ago, a whole 'nother can of bloodworms was opened on the Clinton scandal beat. Galster did contract work in the Arkansas prison system in the 1980s, and he saw a few things that disturbed him. Specifically, the blood plasma program at Cummins prison was operating abominably. Prisoners, not medical personnel, often ran the donation program, and dirty needles were used and reused. Besides selling high-risk prison blood products, the filthy operation infected participating prisoners (who were paid in drugs as often as cash), perpetuating the cycle. After moving to Canada, Galster became interested in the tainted blood scandal that had haunted the country for years. As the Krever Commission and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police digged into the operations of the Canadian Red Cross, they found key records destroyed or missing. But after playing connect the dots, observers of the situation have traced the tainted blood through Connaught Laboratories, a Montreal-based blood broker who sold plasma products to hoser hemophiliacs. Connaught bought large qualities of its blood from Health Management Associates, the company run by Clinton donors/cronies/appointees (the kind of guys Bill could party with) who had the contract with Cummins and other Arkansas prisons. After the FDA had shut down the HMA's sanguinarium, Gov. Bill Clinton made a personal appeal to the state legislature to give HMA a new contract -- which they did. When the FDA barred domestic sales of prison blood, HMA just turned to our friends north of the border. Last month, Canadian Hepatitis and AIDS patients filed suit against the U.S. government. They intend to depose a number of government officials, including Bill Clinton.
Interestingly enough, a few days after White House Counsel Vince Foster/Clinton-HMA bagman was found dead in Ft. Marcy Park, someone rang up the White House to tell them Foster had been recently been "very distressed" over "tainted blood." When one of Foster's secretaries in the White House Counsel's office, Linda Tripp, tried to field a call about tainted blood, she ran into encryption problems on the White House computer system.
Of course, Gator McBurt did his time in the early 70s. But dangerous blood programs in Arkansas prisons predated the Clinton Era. In fact, a 1969 New York Times article details the hepatits-ridden blood program run at Cummins by Dr. Austin R. Stough from 1963-67, a good ten years before Dr. Francis "Bud" Henderson and the HMA moved in.

Another detailed study in Arkansan corruption by Plumm.

"Gotta get some for my brother. He has a nose like a vacuum cleaner."