x105 ZONE TROOPERS (4/12/98)

Director: Danny Bilson
Writer: Danny Bilson, Paul DeMeo
Producer: BAND

When Mr. Mooney finds himself permanently ensconsed in Mrs. Carmichael's doghouse, he runs off to World War II Italy and the awaiting spindly arms of Timothy Van Patten. Van Patten, the Sarge, Mittens, et al. cavort in their musky foxholes, often taking cigarette breaks. When the four-color Martians finally land, they kill all the Nazis and administer anal probes to the cooperative battallion. Adolf Hitler emerges from retirement in Argentina to make a cameo appearance in his old friend Tim Thomerson's wartime epic.


cthulhu> Vestron, building a better lousy movie for the future.
Jamie> Artie LaFleur and The Charles Band on The Lawrence Welk Show!
BillBear> Meanwhile, in France, the naked ladies dance...
dungarees> Mittens? The big beefy soldier is named mittens?
BillBear> Yeah, a little vomit makes the helmet fit nicely.
* Jamie wants someone to give VanPatten a lucky strike in the face.
Ironf> Don't we all
Jamie> General Mr. Mooney, photojournalist.
dungarees> *The* Charlie Dolan? The piss poor Inspector Clousseau impersonator?
lando5> hey, ain't you Hap Ashby, the soon-to-be washed up ballplayer from that OTHER Tim Thomerson "epic"?
BillBear> Filmed on location in Delaware.
Ironf> Hi, I'm Cadet Wormy.
cthulhu> Deep in the Italian hills of California.
dungarees> I'm noticing that these boys are sharing an awful lot of cigarette moments...
cthulhu> Thrill! As they run around like chickens with their heads cut off.
Ironf> Looks like they only have 16 crayons to chose from.
dungarees> The sad thing was, he was going to start a shrimp company before he got shot
Jamie> Recorded in Glassersound.
Ironf> What they need is a rouge band of puppets to help them.
cthulhu> Oh my god... They killed sarge... YOU DUMBKAUFT!
Jamie> Why is the snoopy lady reporter archetype being filled with a fey old man?
cthulhu> And Patton's 5th army invaded Northern Wisconsin without interference.
BillBear> Btw, edward murrow, I *don't* look like a woman.
dungarees> I can't remember what a woman looks like. Which is, of course, why I'm pitching a little tent cozying up to you
BillBear> GPS
Jamie> This is back when the army was so racist, they segregated infantries by precinct.
BillBear> Groundhog Day II: The Reckoning
Jamie> Trumpy IS The Mole Man!
dungarees> Man, what's you're damage? We were just sharin' a bong.
dungarees> Somethin' weird...it was Johnson doing shadow puppet shows with his...well, with his Johnson
Jamie> This is like that time Sgt. Bilko faked a UFO sighting for the free trip to the Pentagon.
Jamie> Big eyes, great big head? Oh, you met Ally McBeal.
cthulhu> [Cigarette Smoking Schultz] I know noth-ink... I see noth-ink!"
cthulhu> Van Patten has some major damage.
* dungarees vows death to the first person to call her DungFuck
BillBear> Richard Band is more derivative than Danny Elfman, and that' ssaying a lot.
dungarees> Nobody is more derivative than Elfman. Elfman is so derivative, he's an integral.
BillBear> It's Nazi summer camp
Jamie> Hello Muddink, Hello Faddink.
BillBear> Nazi surrealist art diorama
Jamie> Gale Gordon as Natalie Portman in "Summer of My German Soldier."
Ironf> Dada ist von visual art!
BillBear> Those damn nazis! They're storyboarding the picture!
Jamie> I have something disturbing to share during the next commercial break.
lando5> What would Master Ninja do at a time like this...just keep asking yourself that, Max.
BillBear> Cool! Pre-ww1 porn!
BillBear> Ah, the shoulder wound, sacred icon of the LOAD!
Jamie> And so began The Van Patten Project.
* BillBear mauls Jamie and buries the remains for later.
cthulhu> Oh no! The Magic School Bus crashed. Poor Ms. Frizzle!
dungarees> Schnitzel is not sausage, dear
cthulhu> o/~ Ve are die Aryan's in Black.
dungarees> George! Jesus. McCloud?
Jamie> Damn, the alien's dead. Now Van Patten and Mittens have to administer anal probes to each other.
dungarees> I need a doobie. We gotta get a light on here.
BillBear> There's a bullet with "LOAD" written on it in Thomerson's magazine.
Jamie> You know they're alien because they film in hexagon.
lando5> Lousy, stinkin' krauts? Would those be...Sour Krauts?
dungarees> Snoop Doggie Dog Howser, LCSW
Jamie> Sidehackenschnauserstatenleifen.
BillBear> There goes one sweet nazi bastard.
Jamie> And then the baby boom never happened because every soldier in the European Theater was rendered sterile. The End.
Jamie> Torgo, chupacabra, and Pumaman in The Incredible Journey III: Robot Holocaust.
Ironf> Dam, that was a big bone he found in his ass.
BillBear> They've all got "Fukengruven" license plates.
lando5> Colonel Mannheim Steamroller?
cthulhu> Facehugger? Mien Herr?
dungarees> It's the the eye creature!
Jamie> Mon Chi-Chi!
cthulhu> If Gizmo and Trumpy had a child.
Ironf> The creature is the Shaft of his people.
lando5> Security? Who let Vicki Vale in the Batcave, Garibaldi?
Jamie> They saw the flyer on the telephone pole about Adolf's lost kitty.
lando5> featuring a cameo by the back of Hitler's head...
cthulhu> It's like those movies about Christianity, just like Jesus, you can't show Adolf's face.
dungarees> Oh my nose!
BillBear> I hate the way this movie demonizes Hitler and Naziism.
BillBear> The hell? Why did the music suddenly turn into "Love, American Style"?
* dungarees waits for the Brady Bunch end theme
cthulhu> What's with the Rockford Files music?
Jamie> with a "Feelin' Groovy" baseline.
cthulhu> Ja! ja! Marlene Dietrich... Saurkraut... Burrito Supreme....
cthulhu> It's Adolf "Skipster" Hitler and his Big Band!
BillBear> Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care!
cthulhu> Achtung Baby!
lando5> I'm gettin too old for this shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!
cthulhu> Saved by an inert carbon rod!
Jamie> The alien's all buddy with the joes because he knows the US goverrnment would *never* dissect and anally probe a space alien.
Ironf> Hmmm German Aztecs
Jamie> Danny DeVito was worshipped by primitive tribes here.
cthulhu> No Italian Incas.
BillBear> Italy is just awash in celtic imagery.
dungarees> Cow, barn owl, or dingo: you make the call
BillBear> I wanna singa, about the moon-a and the june-a and the spring-a...
* dungarees starts a career as a mitten slut
cthulhu> What is the alien's damage?
BillBear> That's good shit, man. Got any cubans?
Ironf> He does that to keep the kids off cigs.
Jamie> Uh-oh. Clinton would declare interplanetary war if aliens smoked.
Jamie> Damn aliens, trying to push tobacco on our innocent kids.
cthulhu> Trumpy! You can do geometric things.
BillBear> Even nuclear energy beams bounce off of van patten's forehead.
Ironf> Trumpy can do pornographic things.
BillBear> Run! He's got a board with a nail in it!
BillBear> AHH! Let go of my penis!
lando5> We...are...from...France.
Ironf> Those are some anti-japanese little kid shorts
Jamie> END
* BillBear is going to squeeze van patten's corny sweet-boy neck until his brain leaks out his eyes.
cthulhu> Back to PumaMan cam
* BillBear can't help cracking up whe someone shouts "Mittens!"
BillBear> Everybody, just SHUT THE HELL UP!
Jamie> END!
BillBear> He died like he lived, incredibly frickin annoying.
BillBear> You can identify the female aliens by their beautiful plumage.
Jamie> They're playing Libyan Spotlight!
BillBear> Nazi fall-down party!
BillBear> But my pants are wet.
cthulhu> Once again Mr. Mittens, you see that there is nothing you possess which I could not take away.
BillBear> Do the nazies not notice blue alien death rays raining down upon them?
Jamie> they're kraut-seeking ray-guns.
Jamie> thank god the abrupt ending has finaly arrived.
Jamie> I AM . . . . IRON SARGE! ( dadadadadadaDAH)
cthulhu> Tales From the Crapper!
Jamie> okay, if anyone learned anything, speak now or forever hold your peace.
BillBear> I learned...
BillBear> Um...
BillBear> Er...
Ironf> I learned that they killed the right character and kept him dead.
Jamie> uh......
BillBear> I learned not to let mittens have the holograph projector until I'm done with it.
cthulhu> I learned that Hitler was an X-Files fan.
cthulhu> Ze Truth ist out ver!
Jamie> I learned that even martian pets know how great American soldiers are.
cthulhu> I learnd the power of alien stero equipment.
Ironf> I learned this may be Tim Thomerson's worst film. And that's saying alot.
BillBear> I learned that if alien's come out of the forest blasting blue rays of death, Nazis will continue to wander aimlessly around an open field until they are all dead.
* Jamie declares war on movie and sells war bonds.
Jamie> I'm afraid everyone here has to give me 100 bucks.
Jamie> and all your butter stamps. and scrap iron.
cthulhu> I learned that it's time to go to bed.

"You're one dumb lug"
"Jeez, it musta been huge"
"Crazy Nazi experiment. They're doin' it all the time."
"That stiff is making me sick"
"Think like a Martian."
"Chicken wire?"
"I'm not gonna fall for no pineapple in my tailpipe."
"Yank the distributor cap"
"One of them tombs"
"Do you have any women with you, like blondes from Venus maybe?"
"That's cooking, Bughead."
"Butt me Mittens."

dungarees> Commercial Sign
Jamie> okay, I have a disturbing paste coming up.
dungarees> I'll be following Jamie's disturbing paste with some unsettling bloo tack
Jamie> Roger Ebert's Movie Answer Man, Chicago Sun-Times
Jamie> bloo tack?
dungarees> bloo tack
Jamie> Q. On your Oscars show you were discussing Julianne Moore's character
in ``Boogie Nights,'' and said, ``The people she's surrounded by are
Jamie> all sad.'' I spent the last two years as a stripper, (gay) porn star and
prostitute, while I got my master's degree in creative writing, and I have to
Jamie> tell you it was not all sad. There were definitely some ugly moments,
but for me, on balance, it was really positive. As far as my peers, there
Jamie> were definitely some sad tales, but most of the time it was a real
blast. Why do you think people do it? Sure, because ``they have to,'' some of
Jamie> them--with prostitutes in general, that might even be the norm,
but in the porn business, that's clearly the exception. So I found the whole
Jamie> portrayal of the industry really disturbing and one-sided.
Jamie> Name Withheld
Ironf> hmmm who could it be?
Jamie> A. But the characters in ``Boogie Nights'' are sad. I do not doubt that
your experience has been better than theirs, but the task of a movie critic
Jamie> is to describe what is on the screen. The previous letter finds
prostitution revolting, and thus cannot understand that I was not revolted by
Jamie> ``Dangerous Beauty.'' You do not find porn sad and are concerned
that I thought ``Boogie Nights'' was sad. I refer you both to Ebert's Law,
Jamie> which states: A movie is not about what it is about, but about how it is about it.
dungarees> Stopitstopitstopitstopit
BillBear> I thought Bowleg wasn't allowed to write to Roger Ebert anymore.
* Jamie cracks up.
BillBear> A movie is not about what it is about, but about how it is about it...
BillBear> the HELL DOES THAT MEAN!!!
cthulhu> Don't ask me.. I'm not a film critic.
* Jamie shrugs.
Ironf> it clearly stats asidaoidaoijiogjkjekjg bear, what is your damage?
Jamie> What is your damage, BillBear?
Jamie> What is your damage, dunagrees?
BillBear> Jamie, if you *ever* write anything like that I will personally pimpslap you into the 70s and leave you in Black Samson's bar.
Jamie> What is your damage, Ironf?
Jamie> What is your damage, cthulu?
Ironf> brain
Jamie> What is your damage, lando5?
BillBear> My damage? I lost 6 hit points.
cthulhu> My damage is a nasty staphlcocci infection.
lando5> Mostly collateral damage, Jamie...but my command and control structurtes have been completely destroyed.
dungarees> Movie Sign

Another PlummCo-brand production.