August 10, 2001 "Pop": A Rebuttal There comes a point in every crappy band's life when they write the song that will forever be their signature song. The song that, as we look back on inexplicably popular crappy bands nostalgically, will be the one we reference whenever we wonder what the hell we were thinking. Electric Youth. Hangin' Tough. Ice Ice Baby. Girl You Know It's True. Usually, it's a one-hit-wonder's one hit, but in the case of N'Sync, it's taken three albums to produce the definitive "N'Sync? What the -fuck-?" song. That song is "Pop". "Pop" is, in classic what-were-they-thinking style, a musical rebuttal to people who've been knocking N'Sync. And while hip-hop's set this kind of precedent for decades, somehow, the concept works a lot less for five pretty boys who dance in unison. If I were Marshall McLuhan, I'd spout something about the medium being the message, but I think we're all glad I'm not. So, in the interests of equal time, we here at TMC NewsBreak present a sort of line-by-line, analysis slash rebuttal of a song that will live in infamy. Sick and tired of hearing all these people talk about What's the deal with this pop life and when is it gonna fade out Even allowing for lyrical license and the need to make a rhyme, that's not usually how the question is posed. Classic strawman argument. Since N'Sync can't or won't answer the question, "When will you five no-talent fucks just go away?", they set up a different question they allegedly -can- answer, and shift the focus away from themselves and toward this nebulous "pop" movement. The thing you got to realize, what we doing is not a trend Well, except for the part where it is. I mean, I suppose that it's remotely possible that N'Sync could be the ones to break the cyclical rotation of fashion and trend that's ruled the music industry since damn near forever, but I'm afraid I must remain skeptical. We got the gift of melody, Pray you kept the receipt. That money will come in handy in about four years. Does nobody in the industry actually -watch- "Behind The Music"? we gonna bring it 'til the end The problem with this statement is that "the end" is left undefined. Since it could represent anything from "of the week", through "of our careers", all the way up to the heat death of the universe, it's an unsupportable statement even when you ignore the nebulous "it" which they gonna "bring". It doesn't matter 'bout the car I drive or what I wear around my neck Oh, I don't know. If they're wearing those invisible fence shock collars around their necks, I think it'd matter. Set 'em up so that they go off within ten feet of any microphone. "Hey, Lance Bass! Could we get a quick interview?" ZZZZZZOT! All that matters Is that you recognize that its just about respect You know, it's this kind of lyrical vagueness and fuzzy thinking that got them in trouble in the first place. And are they really suggesting that this is all that matters? Screw famine, poverty, and global warming. Some ill-defined issue of respect for manufactured boy-bands is the only thing that matters. Oh, and class, for extra credit, see if you can spot the two words thrown into that sentence solely to make the line scan. It doesn't matter About the clothes I wear and where I go and why If my shock-collar idea takes hold, it'd matter where you went. But otherwise, I have no beef with this statement. Although I would like to point out that the video for "Pop" does feature the band in literally dozens of different stylish outfits. So maybe it matters a bit more than they let on, eh? All that matters Is that you get hyped cuz we'll do it to you every time Since these lyrics were not culled from an official source, we will let "cuz" pass without comment. And though the prospect of being on the receiving end of multiple N'Sync gang bangs, as this lyric seems to imply, strikes terror deep into my soul, I will press on, because you, gentle reader, deserve nothing less. (Come on now) My sentiments exactly. Do you ever wonder why, this music gets you high? I can only assume it's the subtle influence of N'Sync's new manager, Towelie. It takes you on a ride, feel it This is a classic logical fallacy. If a ride sometimes leads to projectile vomiting, and N'Sync music sometimes leads to projectile vomiting, that does not mean that N'Sync music is a ride. Nice try, boys. when your body starts to rock (Your body starts to rock) Baby you cant stop (you can't stop) A rocking body is a common symptom of autism. Very often, an autistic baby can not in fact stop the rocking motion. I find this lyric highly offensive and demeaning to the autistic population, especially when you consider the need to -repeat- the lyric, obviously mocking the learning-disabled. For shame, N'Sync. For shame. and the music's all you got, come on now This must be, pop If, at any point, the music is "all I got", any "pop" you might hear would probably be my skull exploding. Therefore, this lyric is technically accurate. Dirty pop, that you can't stop, I know you like this dirty pop This must be, pop Here, N'Sync inadvertently equates their music to date rape, which, while always a solid marketing move, may not have been what they originally planned. Still, I'm sure that by simply referring to their music as "dirty pop", the image of N'Sync as plastic, shiny, uber-clean teen idols will vanish instantly. Now, why you wanna try to classify the type of thing we do Because if we didn't, you'd probably end up next to Vivaldi in Sam Goody. Unless they meant "classify" in the sense of "add class to", in which case, the answer would be "because it desperately needs some". Cause we're just fine doin what we like, can we say the same for you Now here's the first really clever bit in the entire song. Setting up dislike of N'Sync as some kind of horrible oppression, stopping them from "doin what they like". And, of course, they'd never do that kind of thing to us, because while they may be simulated date rapists who hate the autistic, they're very egalitarian otherwise. Tired of feelin all around me animosity Yes, I bet the five of them cry themselves to sleep every night. Well, except for the tough "street" one with the goatee. He just broods by a darkened window. Maybe one tear rolls down his cheek like that guy from the pollution commercial before I press the contact button and the shock collars go off again. Just worry about yours cause I'ma get mine, people can't you see This is very reassuring, actually. I'd had many a sleepless night wondering if he's-a get his. Now I can go back to just worrying about mine, and whether or not I'll-a get it. Maybe there's something to this "Pop" after all. We now go into the chorus again, but with only one minor lyric change. It doesn't matter 'bout the car I drive or the ice around my neck I suppose we could get the shock collars done up in a kind of glacier blue plastic, maybe semi-translucent. Or put diamonds on it or something. Or cubic zirconia. I suspect N'Sync's knowledge of gemology is limited. Man I'm tired of singing Ladies and gentlemen, this joke just writes itself, doesn't it? Dirty, dirty, dirty pop Dirty pop Do you ever wonder Here's where a thesaurus would have come in handy. May I suggest, for future reference, the following: Filthy Pop Scabrous Pop Muddy Pop Oozing Sore Pop Oily Pop Dusty Pop Sexually Deviant Pop Somewhat Cluttered Pop Stained Pop Just this once, I'll waive my consulting fee, too. Anyway, after that, there's just two more repetitions of the chorus, which we've already covered in detail.. So, to summarize. "Pop". Insipid defense or hateful, pro-rape creed? I see no reason it can't be both. Maybe we can, truly, all just get along, if we embrace unity, celebrate diversity, and generously abuse electro-shock collars.