Radio Show Caller: Start-up morning zoo radio program is looking for a mentally retarded caller to become new "character" and focal point of "get laid" promotions and stunts. Candidate should be missing several teeth, wear thick glasses, posses a speech impediment, and be a virgin. Bonus points given to applicant who lives with mother and fails to bathe regularly.
WANTED: Limo Driver - Seeking senior citizens. Driver's license optional. Ideal applicant will be legally blind and must be willing to drive very slow in fast lane as other drivers honk horns and give the finger when passing. Alzheimer's and other degenerative diseases a plus. Call 916-7-4-A-LIMO to get details.
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Seeking Sperm Donor: Ideal donor will have been born physically deformed (club foot highly desired). Low IQ a must (provide examples of general supidity and transcripts). Compensation will be inversely commensurate with level of education. Preferred applicant will be unemployed or live in a group home. Send toilet paper with sample to Seventh Seal Labs, 6501 Oyster Point Blvd., Christine, TX 78012.
WANTED: Photoshop Expert. Qualified Applicant must be able to actually create/edit images in Photoshop, and not just run a scanned photo thru EyeCandy or Kai's Power Tools and claim it was done "by hand." Applicants must be able to explain exactly what "Layers" are without directly quoting from The Photoshop Bible. Ownership of a "non-WAREZ" version of program a PLUS. Send applications to jobs@adobe.com
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For Sale: Organs suitable for immediate transplant. Large choice of organs, available in variety of blood types. These are freshly mined organs from the best, young, third world country children. Organs from visiting tourists staying in hotels X-TRA. Send requests to orgranman@billyjoel.com. NOTE: Only Tim Curry fans need apply.
BODYGUARD: Seeking professional bodyguard to protect young, Oscar winning actress from mentally deranged stalker during movie shoot. Ideal applicant will be a large man with intimate knowledge of at least 3 forms of hand-to-hand fighting styles. Job is temporary, but can become permanent after torrid love affair with actress in her trailer. Extra consideration given to those living in area of shoot (Pacific Northwest). Send resumes to miras@oscars.org
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