MST: The Card Game

How about a MST3K Collectible Card Game like Magic: the Gathering?! It could work, right?

Each player could have two decks — an SOL deck and a Deep 13 deck. You would use the Deep 13 deck to attack your opponent with cards like “Annoying Kid” or “Cheesy Monster.” These could be countered by SOL cards like “Vague Resemblance of An Actor to a Big Star” or “Did They Check For a Zipper?” The first player to reduce his opponent’s Sanity to zero wins — just like the experiment.

Something like that. Let’s listen in on a game:

“Hey! I used my Rejection From Gypsy Lost Interrupt to counter the effects of Crow’s Who Lives and Who Dies Accessory!” “I’ve played the Mitchell card and the baby oil card on the same round, and now I’m unstoppable!” ” Hah! I tap my Coleman Francis to activate Flag on the Moon! Now you’re both screwed!” ” Not so fast, pink boy! I tap my ‘Flag on the Moon? How did it get there?’ card which reverses all damages AND lets me play this ‘Andy Kaufman Wrestles Pearl Forrester’ card!”

Crow gets ready to play his Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed! Card

• “AHA! But I place my John Agar Speech card which forces you to take back your card
  and draw 100 more in a futile effort to use them to create a wall from John Agar.”
• “Not so fast! I whip out my Mannequin card <whew!> and tap my Kim Catrall: Good Actress in
  Bad Movie to counter your Agar card. You lose two sanity points and I get to go again!”
• “I’ve got a black-border Andrew ‘Switcher!’ McCarthy to trade for a John Agar
  and a Rock Climbing. Either that or a Joey the Lemur and a He Tampered in God’s Domain.”
• “Nope, because I play my Mox Riff (doubles Riff quotient) and play a Coleman Francis Editing
  Mistake to cancel your Flag on the Moon. In addition, I place my Hand of Fate on
  your John Agar, which causes him to do indescribable things to Kim Cattrall!”

The very rare and valuable TURKEY VOLUME GUESSING MAN card.

“Oh yeah? Well, I tap my Kathy Ireland card and activate the “Dull Surprise” card, which inflicts double Fake Australian Accent damages! I counter with my “Tom Sings’My Wild Irish Kathy'” which nullifies that card. Unfortunately, I have to bury my “Mike Nelson” mana card, since he’s now entranced.” “And I’ll tap my Richard Basehart card and you all have to stop and keep Gypsy from running all over your cards and ripping em up… and then I’ll play a Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex1,000,000d card which is the size of the entire table and thus wiping out all that has been played so far!!” ” So…uh…Anybody wanna play Parcheesi?” “Todd will play Parcheesi with you. Perhaps Todd can make some nice hot cocoa and you can tell Todd your hopes and fears, your lives and loves, as you play. Todd will always be there for you. Enjoy my Todd card.” “Bite me, Todd!”

Huh. That games seems to have degenerated a bit. Let’s check in on that group of advanced players using the RATMM Accessory Anthology set:

• “My Blounge-counter is dangerously low…”
• “I’ll use a double Mana to increase my Sampo level…”
• “I used my Evan card to drive everyone into a state of depressed stupor! I rule the table now!”
• “I cast a ten-point Circle Jerk on your Knurt!”
• “Wanna trade a Legion of Meowers for a Summon Tskwm?”
• “I play my ‘new Marrissa story’ card with my ‘Michelle bored’ card and tap BOTH the ‘communion wine’ and ‘summer rainstorm’ cards. That should counteract both your actions!”

Game design by rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc.

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