x242 MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH (04/18/99)

WE ARE CENTRAL HIGH
Written by Rene “Intriges van een Decadente Zonderling” Daalder
Cinematography by Bert “COPS” Van Munster
Directed by Rene “Population One” Daalder

MOVIE
Ignore the fact that this movie appeared on Ted Turner’s late-night shift a mere four days before the Columbine tragedy. Ignore too the fact that, like the Columbine tragedy, it involves a misfit teenager taking revenge on the blockheaded jocks who tormented him. We’d never be one to suggest a CONSPIRACY here at the HG, but reliable sources tell us that Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, under the influence of MK-ULTRA drugs manufactured at a George W. Bush/James Cameron-owned laboratory, received secret instructions in a special level of Quake 2, downloaded on the INTERNET, to watch this movie. From there on in, the killers viewed special subliminal shots of Ted Turner as Big Brother which appeared in every 33rd frame, speaking encrypted passages from the Qu’ran backwards, which the teens then transcribed and decoded. These instructions, “KILL EVERYONE AT YOUR SCHOOL,” were then hardwired into the cerebral cortexes of the teens through subsequent nightly UFO abductions, during which Greys flying out of Peterson Air Force Base in Colorado performed complex nano-neurosurgery, learned by the Greys in ancient times from the technomages of Atlantis. The rest is, of course, sad history. Yes, we here at the Homegame believe in Occam’s Razor; the simplest explanation is often the most correct.

GRAB THE NAILGUN!
Balthayzr> Last Week, on Massacre At Central High.
BEMaven> Frolic, the heavy bran cereal that leaves you guessing.
Plumm> Quarry!
Plumm> The new crunchy cereal!
BEMaven> mary tyler moore goes to high school?
Plumm> are these scenes from the film?
Plumm> is he getting laid, or raped, or taking a dump in that shot or what?
mgrasso> classes will be at the local post office for the next week
Plumm> fuck with all these wars, i think i’m gonna fill out a grad school application
mgrasso> surf nazi high school
THX-11381> Are we supposed to feel sorry for the Nazi when he gets beat up?
Balthayzr> They all weren’t hanhded the same script, were they?
mgrasso> so, he’s the male carrie then?
mgrasso> ed wood returns from the grave to direct a 70s teen film.
Balthayzr> It’s Pledge Week at Clonus Horror High School.
Plumm> if bad ronald hadn’t snapped, he would’ve lived a few more years to sanp like the guy in this movie
mgrasso> wow. that party van has PORTHOLES
Plumm> ever do any crank?
Balthayzr> Think Bill Clinton is in that van, busily not inhaling?
THX-11381> Now _this_ is Point Break.
mgrasso> great music.
mgrasso> herb alpert on PCP
mgrasso> dawber drives the A-Team van for one brief, shining moment
Balthayzr> Van Driving! Your Guide To A Great Career!
Q> hey all. what’d i miss?
Balthayzr> In-Line skating, Lady Q.
mgrasso> but now we’ve got robert carradine and 70s.
Plumm> that i bet will not be nearly as disturbing as that gay oz/seaquestkid movie
Q> ew! buggly evil la trees!
Balthayzr> Boy, L.A. is really strict about these Emmision Tests, huh?
mgrasso> the failed dukes of hazzard pilot… 5 guys in a white ford.
mgrasso> rene auberjenois, angry teenager.
Balthayzr> Rusted Chariots of Fire.
Q> you know, i just don’t get enough annoying immature boneheaded adolescent males being idiots in my regular existence. thank god, then, for this movie. thank god, i say.
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, on the set of Upstairs, Downstairs.
Balthayzr> It’s nice that they had a circumcision day in gym.
mgrasso> so, random beatings and hangings then.
mgrasso> hey, Q, a little something for the ladies!
Q> mike: uh….yeah. whatever. this scene might turn me on if i were, say, a very undersexed dog in heat, but otherwise… 😛
Balthayzr> So, when does Evolver show up?
Q> balth: are you okay? no really, are you okay? is the doctor okay? are you okay?? well, are you???? ARE YOU OKAY???
Balthayzr> I must know! Are you OK???
Balthayzr> “Mork? You’re 23% under quota on your beatings. You’ll never get the steak knife set at this rate.”
mgrasso> so, the evil teeners plan all their revenge in their make-out van.
THX-11381> Does the HG have a cool van like that?
Balthayzr> How nice that they go to school on the back of a 20 dollar bill.
Q> half-naked, wet, and they’re still about as appealing as week-old liverwurst. sheesh.
Balthayzr> I didn’t need to see Marilyn Manson in the boy’s shower.
Balthayzr> Dear Penthouse: I am a typical high-schooler in a small midwestern town….
mgrasso> so, when’s the massacre exactly?
Balthayzr> Let us point it out once more. Central High. Massacre. Anytime now.
mgrasso> well, they must be saving all the narrative until the end.
Balthayzr> Plot? Hell, who needs it when you have random cruelty?
Plumm> please. massacre some of these people.
mgrasso> the lead-up to the massacre involves detailed psych-ops, though.
Plumm> PSYCH-OPS!
Balthayzr> Grease is the Word. it’s got mood, it’s got feeling.
Balthayzr> No! Not refusal to pay library fines! Has civilization completely broken down? Have we become animals?
mgrasso> schools! out! for! ever!
Q> heh. all the books are screaming “dogpile!!!” as they fly off the shelf there
Plumm> boy, tim van patten sure led a motley crew hitler youth
mgrasso> paul lynde there with the flourish.
Q> wow. a severaly balding 15-year-old
Balthayzr> I understand Monica’s first Book Signing went the same way.
mgrasso> roddy mcdowell as the school librarian
Plumm> this movie really put the ladies first, didn’t it. it appeals to everyone!
Balthayzr> Stop Scott Baio-ing all over my books!
mgrasso> to quote crow: “ok, everyone up a shirt size.”
Balthayzr> I repeat: Massacre.
Q> you know, they said nothing could mach the bleak, dark, depression of a childhood wasted in the 70’s. i think this movie comes pretty darn close
Q> aaaaaaand swing yer parnter, do-si-do, throw her in a locker and tell her she’s a ho!
mgrasso> this is like pre-troma.
Plumm> the commies put them up to this, just like in the violent years!
Q> whoah, the movie jsut lost its glasses there
THX-11381> Have we mentioned, rape is funny?
mgrasso> from gang rapes to AM gold, this movie has it all.
THX-11381> After a hard day of stopping rape, try a Budweiser.
Balthayzr> And a young Vince McMahon begins plotting out his Wrestling Angles.
mgrasso> no, use a *folding* chair!
mgrasso> and now, back to easy-listen horn music.
Plumm> it’s the mello 70s, in my surplus jeep, to survive the post-apocalyptic landscape, if it comes, o/~
Balthayzr> I can never get enough of stock 8 Is Enough Music.
Balthayzr> Nice Boom mike that just bobbed into shot.
Plumm> o/~and it’s bleak in movies and real life and everyone wears goofy sweaters o/~
Balthayzr> And they went from town to town, helping people.
mgrasso> the end.
mgrasso> oh.
mgrasso> who was that driving the van? stephen fry in a bleach blond wig?
Plumm> It’s Micheal Moore’s “Sodomobile”!
THX-11381> Do you ever get that not so fresh feeling?
Balthayzr> Sessions Presents: Hits of the Massacre at Central High!!
Balthayzr> You think adjusting the Brightness of the movie would help?
Plumm> so did this movie get so bor
ing i didn’t notice the first massacre/
mgrasso> no, it’s steadily boring. i’m having trouble extracting a plot, too.
Balthayzr> Someone wake Iron. There’s a nice plop moment coming. mgrasso> there good teenagers, and bad teenagers. and gang-rapes. and vans.
Plumm> I know! Let’s have a rollerblading race in NAM!
THX-11381> Does that really qualify as a Massacre?
mgrasso> well, i wonder if the school nurse can fix that one.
Plumm> it’s a good way to diffuse high school tensions and various post-traumatic stress disorders
Balthayzr> How nice of David to not rat out the rapists.
Plumm> it’s the 70s balth. no one wanted to put their neck out
Balthayzr> With David out of the way, rampant non-payment of library fines went unabated.
Q> AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mgrasso> Q? are you ok?
Q> that’s the outside patio of the commons at USC!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!
* Q trembles with flashbacks
Balthayzr> Stop taking the brown acid, Lady Q.
mgrasso> they filmed this at USC?
mgrasso> poor saps.
Plumm> lots of stuff is filmed at USC and UCLA, i think
Q> balth: it’s true! that’s the outside patio of the commons! hellishly overpriced food and airheaded blondes talking about telling their shrinks how lousy their parents are for not buying them a porche instead of a lamborghini….*sob*
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, Life on the set of Room 222 goes on.
Q> that blond guy’s hair is made of play-doh. oh, he’ll deny it, but i know the truth. play-doh head is on the loose
mgrasso> hey, where is robert carradine? did he get killed? i can’t tell the cast members apart, all their hair and lapels look the same.
Q> ah, an old building – a blessed break from the overwhelming 70’s-ness
mgrasso> hang gliding, guys.
mgrasso> the young robert z’dar looks stylin’ in his irish fisherman’s sweater.
THX-11381> He should have practiced on his Nintendo more.
Balthayzr> Just wait for the wacky pool scene.
mgrasso> balth: you *have* seen this before, huh?
Balthayzr> Yep. HBO used to show it like once a week.
Q> oh my dear god, this cellulidic piece of infected rectal hair still has more than an hour to go
Balthayzr> Plop, number II.
Q> boy, dennis the menace didn’t blossom in high school, did he?
mgrasso> wow, this high school has a auto body shop and a pool. the price you pay, is you’re likely to be killed.
mgrasso> jesus. nice lisp, dawber.
mgrasso> carradine looks like billy crystal as the mime in spinal tap.
Plumm> a strange twisted movie for a strange twisted people
mgrasso> oh, he’s alive. he just lost his leg.
Balthayzr> Boy, who’s his doctor? Guy loses a leg about 2 weeks ago, and the only bad thing is he favors his right leg a bit.
mgrasso> meanwhile, someone is killed at the beach.
Q> tom stewart killed me!
Balthayzr> We now go back to “Quincy” here on A&E!
Balthayzr> You mean Eric Von Zipper isn’t in this one?
mgrasso> it’s tough to skulk holding a 7 foot long surfboard
Q> so, to recap, so far we’ve had unappealing teenagers being horrible and asshole-ish to each other, beating each other up and stabbing each other in the back. pretty realistic portrait of high school, i’d say
Balthayzr> Just like my prom. Massacre was the theme, you know.
Q> you know, guys, i heard this movie was the original pilot for the series “friends”. i can’t imagine why it didn’t catch on
Balthayzr> “SOmeone go get B.A.! We got a case!”
THX-11381> If this vans a rockin…
Balthayzr> NO! We all know he can’t work the brake pedals!!
mgrasso> toonces! look out!
Balthayzr> Wow, he wet himself all the way up his back.
Balthayzr> Lesson: Chin Implants explode.
mgrasso> lesson: lisping van owners rarely die outside their own vans.
Q> whoah, they never should have installed that rusty ww2 land-mine under the seat
Balthayzr> Cabot??? Cabot????? Cabot!!!!! Cabot?????
Q> freckle-boy likes it rough, he does
Balthayzr> I don’t suppose it would do any good to call an ambulance, or the police? Naaaahhhhhhhh.
Q> i miss mutual of omaha’s wild kingdom
Balthayzr> “On today’s show, Jim’s gonna shove a cattle prod up an anaconda’s butt to see what happens!”
Balthayzr> “ANd when life shoves something up your butt, isn’t it nice to have Mutual of Omaha watching over you?”
mgrasso> snakes have butts?
Balthayzr> You’ve never heard of the fine film Anal-conda?
Q> jeez, doctor who’s gonna be pissed when he finds out that geeky tax guy ripped off his sweater
mgrasso> more grassy knoll scenes… for your soul.
Balthayzr> And now, back to Gimpy: The Motion Picture.
mgrasso> jennifer tilly in a blonde wig that will offend you.
mgrasso> more rope climbing, more batch shots, more hazing.
Balthayzr> Haven’t we had enough fat-kids-climbing-ropes?
mgrasso> clint howard *is* john belushi *in* animal house: the high school years
Balthayzr> You ruined my Greg Brady shirt!
Q> i hereby predict the end of this movie will include this geeky kid climbing up a rope somehow, either to avoid the killer or some other uplifting (ha!) moment of truth
Balthayzr> What a lousy laugh-track this has.
Balthayzr> Hello, movie? P-O-L-I-C-E.
Q> whoops, soundtrack hit a time warp there
Balthayzr> Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Blood?
mgrasso> danny bonaduce… american psycho
Q> balth: ah, see, we’re viewing this movie with the eyes of adulthood. you gotta remember back to the blissful innocent days of adolescence, when just because one of your friends was a serial killer, that didn’t make them a bad person
Balthayzr> How true. Ah, for the Days of Yore.
mgrasso> spaz on the stairs.
THX-11381> Oscar can be such a grouch sometimes.
Q> oscar looks like that guy who used to host the big picture on mtv
Balthayzr> See, this is what happens when you upset the Balance of Nature. A bully vacuum has been created, and is being filled by the spazzes.
Q> damn, that is one red car
mgrasso> it’s the black entertainment TV pace car?
Q> heh! you can see the camera crew reflected in the car
Balthayzr> You missed the boom-mike bouncing in about an hour ago, Q.
Plumm> “jalopy” he must read archie comics to have such a big vocabulary
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, at Stately Wayne High School.
Balthayzr> How dare you interrrupt the Holy Cat-Fight!
mgrasso> didn’t i see this on millennium?
Balthayzr> You know, you should always test the lid of a pipe-bomb by pounding it on the table.
Ironf> and when did Robert turn into Max Weinburg
mgrasso> now, why did he have to die again?
Plumm> and we have a bit of a massacre
THX-11381> He’s gone Pete Townsend on us!
Balthayzr> That’ll happen when you listen to Barry Manilow.
Balthayzr> Quick! Run into the explosion!
Q> whoah, that was coolest part of the movie ever *wipes eyes*
mgrasso> kids come running for the great taste of flared trousers
Balthayzr> Flee the Massacre at a liesurly pace!
Plumm> everybody run! the homecoming queen’s got a pipe bomb!
Ironf> Is that Gimpy?
Balthayzr> Must be some killer. Murdered all the teachers about 7 reels ago.
mgrasso> vere iss seigfried? allo roy!
Q> and now, random things blowing up randomly, enjoy
Balthayzr> Wasn’t this on Monty Python?
Q> number 32…the larch
THX-11381> I bet this movie was Kazynski’s inspiration.
Q> and the jeep blows up!
* Q is still laughing
Balthayzr> Now, the next level of victim moves up into Bullydom.
mgrasso> good sequence. but i still don’tunderstand why the librarian had to die.
Balthayzr> Because he was obnoxious. Good enough for me.
Q> i can see it now: someone picks up an english book, and it explodes. the dorky guy grabs the rope to climb, and it explodes. the ig
uana in the science lab bumps into the gekko, and it explodes
* Plumm ‘splodes Q’s students and professors for her.
Plumm> ronny howard invented all of this lab equipment
Balthayzr> “You see? Your stupid min
ds! Stupid, stupid, STUPID!!”
mgrasso> that sexy little… playtex nipple?
Q> and the light explodes!
Balthayzr> That’s right, angrily toss the pipebomb.
Q> and the car explodes!
* Plumm esplodes.
Q> and their lips explode!
mgrasso> that and “pyrotechniques”
Balthayzr> And there, on the door, was an EXPLOSION!
Balthayzr> Uh, movie? Mood Lighting still has the word “lighting” in it.
Q> you know, a well-placed explosion might actually provide some well-needed illumination at this point
mgrasso> enough yapping. more SPLOSIONS!
Balthayzr> This movie must have saved a lot on projection bulbs. Turn them off, who’s gonna know the difference?
Q> and her dress explodes!
Balthayzr> Her Dress exploded? Is she OK?
Q> balth: i don’t know. is the lighting okay?
Q> the hell did she get that dress anyway, holly hobby’s-r-us?
Plumm> laura ashley.
Plumm> they’re laced with esplosives
mgrasso> she looks like she just came from the “old tyme photo booth”
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, at Daria’s house.
THX-1138> I’m sure Xander will stop him from blowing up the school.
mgrasso> juan epstein!
Balthayzr> I just need to know if the explosions are OK. If not, we can get more.
Q> jesus, this is the only dance in the history of high school where there are more chaperones than kids
THX-1138> Welcome to Grosse Point Blank.
Balthayzr> Not Like Carrie at all, we swear!
Q> and his gum explodes!
mgrasso> hey kid! why aren’t you dancing stiffly and without soul! chop chop!
Balthayzr> So, one song an the party’s over.
Q> yow. i’ll have to remember that: if a door won’t open, just head-butt it and it’ll open just fine
mgrasso> and now, back to big band music, brought to you by geritol and depend
Q> yipes, if that lady’s shirt blew up, how would you tell?
Balthayzr> And now, a little song by Benny Goodman called “Lotsa Explosions.”
mgrasso> david schwimmer, terrorist.
Ironf> Then it’s boom baby boom, yeah yeah yeah
Balthayzr> You’ve got 3 minutes to get that couch cover back to Sears, young lady!
THX-1138> Understand, that in 3 minutes, my egg will be cooked and I’m leaving.
Balthayzr> This is a dance? I thought it was a wake.
Q> aw, that’s my serial killer. *dreamy sigh*
Balthayzr> Serial Killers. This month in Tiger Beat.
Q> wow, they got the band from the titanic just to play for their dance. they must feel so honored
Balthayzr> And he bumps the camera as he gimps by.
Ironf> nothing like seeing a guy gimp down stairs in a poorly lit stairwell
mgrasso> you know, a bomb will be putting this party out of its misery.
Q> hey, it’s davy jones in the corner there!
Balthayzr> I can hardly wait for the slow dancing to start.
Plumm> i’m dr. ted movie!
Q> i call nother stinger
Plumm> Q, you’ll be full of stingers!
Ironf> I still don’t think he’s gonna make the football team.
Balthayzr> Wasn’t this bomb bit in the Adam West Batman movie?
Q> boom!
mgrasso> he died as he lived… greasy enough to start a fire.
Q> ??? are they all wearing tap shoes?
THX-1138> Bomb-dee bomb-dee bomb! MY LIFE FOR YOU!
Balthayzr> See? If the timer on that was made from a fine HG Flava Flav watch, he would have had plenty of time!
Q> aw, well, at least he turned into a nice bonfire when he died – now his friends can roast weiners on him
Plumm> Q: is that a frat thing?
Balthayzr> Just spontanious combustion.
mgrasso> now the master takes the kids hand out of the fire and laughs while waving it around
Balthayzr> And the radio shack fire department shows up.
* Balthayzr laughs at the music.
Ironf> and end with romantic ballad
THX-1138> He died as he lived, a flaming queer.
mgrasso> “spoony”
Q> so wait…who was the bad guy?
Plumm> you know, i really wasn’t paying attneiton. did the conflict get resolved?
Balthayzr> “You planted bombs around the school, thinking you were cool….”
mgrasso> “you’re at the crossroads of your life… so blow up everyone around you.”
Plumm> or was there technically a conflict?
Q> and the credits explode!
Plumm> wait, the alienated guy made people blow up?
Balthayzr> Gimpy got carried away in his vengance.
mgrasso> the background… red like the blood that flowed freely throughout the movie.
Plumm> who lived and who died?
THX-1138> Remember kids, graduate.
mgrasso> i don’t care. [/johnny]
Plumm> didn’t the librarian explode?
mgrasso> no, he had a hearing-aid-induced aneurysm
Balthayzr> Explosions donated by the Acme Company. Buy Acme products.
Plumm> what the hell is going on?
mgrasso> it’s over jamie. we all survived. even though there was one bomb that was never found.
Q> did the bad guy die? i thought mr gimpy was the bad guy
Balthayzr> He was. He killed the original bullies, then got carried away and started killing everyone.
mgrasso> “spoony” – robert carradine.
Plumm> was there a movie?
Q> balth: so he turned good at the end and sacrificed himself?
mgrasso> Q: only because he was horny and wanted holly hobby there in the sack.
Balthayzr> Yep. For the love of Strawberry Shortcake.
mgrasso> but that’s tough to do when your genitals are hanging in a tree 30 yards away
Plumm> the movie ended before 4:20, Q, so you can’t have medical marijuana for that.
Plumm> where was that filmed, anyway?
Balthayzr> In someone’s backyard.
Ironf> hell
mgrasso> he should’ve realized that exploding would hurt his chances to score with chycks
Q> you know, i never thought of such a clever plot device as explosions when i can’t think of any good story. don’t need a character any more? *kaboom*! your villain can’t be defeated? *kablammo*! can’t think of an ending? *kablooey*!
Ironf> Our Gang?
Balthayzr> Gaaaaahhhh! Politically Correct MGM Our Gang!
Q> and the little rascals explode!

TALE OF THE TAPE
MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH	MASSACRE AT COLUMBINE
Bullied neo-nazi kids seek revenge on tormentors	Bullied neo-nazi kids seek revenge on tormentors
Fragile HG minds twisted by yet another experiment	Air Force brat Eric Harris probably twisted by DIA mind control at Plattsburgh and beyond
Lots of pipe bombs.	Lots of pipe bombs.
Big in Germany	Inspired by German death metal.
Big lapels.	Trenchcoats.
Rene Daalder allowed to walk free.	Third shooter allowed to walk free.
Weekly airplay on HBO in the 1980s	Surveillance tapes whisked to extremely corrupt FBI lab, never seen again.
Homegamers cower in other windows downloading porn as movie dies.	SWAT teams cower in the parking lot for hours as teacher Dave Sanders slowly dies.
Ends with a “spectacular” explosion FINALE	Spectacular explosion thwarted as propane-tank bombs in cafeteria fail to explode despite being riddled with gunfire

EXPLODING QUOTES
“I like it. It’s funky.”
“I hope he fits in.”
“Look, man. The sin around here is a real bummer.”
“I’m disappointed in you, man!”
“We went skinny dipping. I wanted to make love, and I think he did too.”
“I damn near jumped out of my skin
.”
“I thought you lost your leg, not your tongue.”
“Go to hell. I’m not a mercy killer.”
“I think obviously somebody in this school is INSANE!”
“They might just get blown up with the rest”
And don’t forget the “Love Theme from Massacre at Central High“:
o/~ “You’re at the crossroads of your life, crossroads of your life, and where you go from here is up to you…” o/~

EVIL! TWISTED! OR JUST MAYBE…
Ironf> [SouthPaw] Just a quick note of apology….i was misinformed about you slamming people. Take care.
Ironf> [Ironf] No problem
Ironf> [Ironf] Never believe everything people tell ya
Ironf> [SouthPaw] I won’t from now on…goodnite.
Ironf> that was the guy that said we were slamming him, even though he never looked at the site himself
Balthayzr> See how sweet we are?
mgrasso> we are sweetness and light.
* Balthayzr frolics in the rainbows.
* Q wants more ‘splosions
Q> boom!
* Balthayzr blows up the rainbows for Q.
Balthayzr> Wow. That made Skittles.

---

mgrasso was a high school outcast, but only killed orcs, wyverns, and the occasional otyugh.
MONSTER! sidebar by Agent Plumm.
*NERD LAUGH*