x278 THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU (07/11/99)

IF THEY COULD TALK WITH THE AMINALS
Original story by H.G. “daddy mack” Wells
Written by Ron “not Rob” Hutchinson
Directed by John “The Extraordinary Seaman” Frankenheimer

MOVIE
H.G. Wells’ works have been adapted for classic turns in cinema; witness Village of the Giants, surely Tommy Kirk’s magnum opus. Here, a trip to the legendary Island of Dr. Moreau is highlighted by two titans of cinema; Val Kilmer chews the scenery, and Marlon Brando chews everything else. The plot: a guy lands on an island inhabited by CGI actors, including Fairuza “I was two years too early to be Christina Ricci” Balk. This guy soon meets Marlon Brando, who lives as lord of the animal kingdom, including the numerous parasitic insects who live in a symbiotic relationship inside his fat folds. Meanwhile, a stoned Dennick Squayze mugs, capers and smokes a lot of weed in his once-in-a-lifetime role as Bong Boy. When the island becomes a charnel house of slaughter and destruction, the guy just kind of watches, as his girlfriend devolves, Brando is carved up for steaks, and Kilmer holds an animal-only sex orgy to be filmed for HBO’s Real Animal Sex 47. Guest starring Ron Perlman as the Deformed Freak, for a change.

A SNAIL ON A RAZORBLADE… THEM’S GOOD EATIN’!
Mellie> oh cripes. he’s been picked up by the gorden’s fisherman
mgrasso> ah, i missed the nausea-inducing random font parade at the beginning..
Mellie> random font parade: brought to you by larabie fonts.
BEMaven1> why is he getting vannila in his IV?
BryanL> He’s been spending all his life, sailing to his island paradise.
Ironf> Dammit man, I’m Jim Morrison, not a doctor.
Robert> Montgomery the Veterinarian Seafarer, this fall.
BryanL> The island’s got a tumor.
BEMaven1> uh, Val. don’t you normally put the blood pressure sleeve on the patient?
Robert> And they’re greeted by the “ooh ooh ooh ah ah ah” creature.
Mellie> what *is* that creature? besides the director’s brother making noises, i mean?
mgrasso> captain ron 2000.
Plumm> Val’s still hungover from mardi gras
BEMaven1> yep. when i think of a character from a HG Wells novel, i immediately think Val Kilmer.
BryanL> Jeeps from MASH… Ray Bans… old sailing ships… this movie’s set whenever we want it to be.
EvilJen> I like to pet the rabbits, george.
Mellie> hope they remembered the masacara for the rabbits. revlon tells me that rabbits can’t do without it.
mgrasso> that pyramid cage focuses the bunnies’ cuteness powers.
BryanL> I had a rabbit named Kinsey… after the fucking researchers. Rabbits fuck a lot too, you know.
mgrasso> bry: should have named them masters and johnson. and johnson. and johnson. and johnson.
BryanL> That’s a lotta johnson.
BEMaven1> “we don’t usually eat meat here, but i’m sure the doctor will make an exception for you.”
Ironf> I see they’re air drying Brando’s shorts again.
EvilJen> I call no “the horror, the horror” refs.
Robert> Enjoy our skulls.
BryanL> Restrict your movements to jumping jacks, squat thrusts, and the Bunny Hop. Brando’s temperamental.
mgrasso> i want some mangoes…
/chef, not THAT chef>
BryanL> Wow. He got the Nobel Prize for Framsteg.
Plumm> ‘geez, there must be something I can masturbate to around here . . . a-ha!’
BryanL> Salma Hayek, in a role that won’t surprise you.
Ironf> And now, a little leftover dancing from last night.
BEMaven1> dressed like a marooned sailor and still looks femmy.
BryanL> Man, is anybody NOT into that damn Kabbaleh these days?
EvilJen> *insert Enigma ref here*
* Robert has never seen the Hokey Pokey danced in quite this fashion.
BEMaven1> and where does she restrict her movements.
mgrasso> the true fate of selena.
Mellie> alvin and the chipmunks need to learn that they can’t cover *every* song.
Robert> By God, they can try, Mellie.
BryanL> Put your breasts in the air. And wave them like you just don’t care.
BryanL> She’s found the happy plants on the island, I see.
Ironf> Such femmy hands. Do you use lotion a lot?
BryanL> Val can eat an orchid for HOURS.
mgrasso> this is the actor who sodomized leonardo dicaprio in that movie. which i fully endorse.
BryanL> Yep. Val “I don’t wanna be Batman anymore” Kilmer. In the role of a lifetime.
BEMaven1> role of a lifetime? Val looks like he’s having the toke of a lifetime.
Robert> The monorail should be along any minute now.
BryanL> Notice how much trouble Val had with the first syllable of “activists”.
Ironf> Uhh Val, don’t you need to shave your head before you can hand out flowers?
BEMaven1> “he became… obsessed… with his… animal research.” — been studying with Busey again, eh Kilmer?
BryanL> Does that count as an oo ooo oo animal?
EvilJen> that’s more of an ah ah aaaaah animal.
Robert> I cound the singer as an oo oo oo animal.
Ironf> Well first it’s all oo ooo and ahh ahh, then the killing starts.
BryanL> Shut up, Iron. I don’t want a fucking iMac.
mgrasso> val kilmer *is* torgo *in* manos: the island of fate.
Mellie> torgo dancing around in slashed sweats. marlon brando wheezes in the corner..
Robert> And Val traps yet another love slave.
BryanL> And here’s where you start paying. In knees.
EvilJen> he gave me a flower, I thought he liked me!
Robert> Val attempts to gain entry to Brando’s liquor cabinet.
EvilJen> dirty magazines under the door. now that’s room service.
BryanL> He’s gonna ride the flume log for free.
thayer> he thinks he can give me a flower and toss me aside….wait until i show up in his room!
Robert> The Island of Dr. Moreau, where the fans run 24 hours.
BEMaven1> ‘lock me in, will he? well, i’ll all the movements i want all over this stupid island!’
BryanL> This basic plot structure would work much better as a Mortal Kombat sequel. You could put a fight scene right here, no problem.
mgrasso> hannibal lecter, at home.
BryanL> Padme Naberrie looks on.
mgrasso> it’s a puff daddy video set!
BryanL> Meanwhile, inside the world’s largest oven mitt…
thayer> uh oh, he’s about to find the 4 assed monkeys….
BEMaven1> he’s in Elton John’s rec room?
mgrasso> llama!
EvilJen> aw, poor llama!
Robert> They’re breeding a Kilmer-orchid hybrid.
mgrasso> this place is tom green’s wet dream.
BryanL> Brando loves his ungulates so.
Mellie> hey, it’s the new boston market!
BryanL> And now Paul Reiser’s gonna show up to steal those things.
mgrasso> i can see the line in the credits: fetuses by……. latex fetuses of ojai.
BEMaven1> wait’ll you see the Push-Me Pull-You he made in reverse.
Plumm> The Most Lamest Game.
Ironf> This would be better with Ice T in his role.
BEMaven1> she runs like a cat. gee.
Robert> This is what happens when you leave the path on the tour.
BEMaven1> ‘are we late for the Peter Gabriel shoot?’
BryanL> At what point does this qualify as “alerting” her father? I mean, if guards with guns and dogs don’t do it.
Mellie> we just need to replace that chick with molly ringwold and we’d have the lost john hughs movie, “horror at prom beach”
mgrasso> kinda like CGI by ray harryhausen
BryanL> Man, Grasso. Was that -that- fakey on the big screen?
mgrasso> fakier.
Ironf> I still say it’s a shame they let anyone have CGI power nowadays
.
mgrasso> they’re being attacked by a gilded age president!
EvilJen> *coughs* whoa, excuse me, little frog in my throat.
mgrasso> isaac… asimov?
Ironf> Assaman?
Robert> Ass
assaman.
EvilJen> sassy man. he does a great drag show.
BEMaven1> Sassaman? i don’t remember collecting him.
mgrasso> gotta catch ’em all, BEM.
BEMaven1> ‘I. R. Comedy Relief.’
Mellie> and there … in the hut … was amelia airheart’s hook!
BryanL> Great. It’s an island full of short-bus Ewoks.
EvilJen> It’s the Land of Misfit Latex Costumes.
Plumm> and Brando reads his Vogon poetry
mgrasso> make love with more than one? men *don’t* do that?
Mellie> patric stewart is really fabulous in this role.
BEMaven1> it’s a Beatrix Potter revival.
mgrasso> he’s descended from a pufferfish!
BryanL> What manner of man are you who can summon gene therapy without flint or tinder?
Robert> This is a fascinating documentary on airplane safety.
mgrasso> his robe is covered in eldar runes.
mgrasso> and we have BRANDO
mgrasso> you have to type it “BRANDO” because, well, he’s big, see.
thayer> he’s just trying to look like observer
Mellie> thank you, thank you. i have no body.
Robert> And the Brandomobile.
BryanL> So this part, with Brando, is pretty much a documentary, right?
mgrasso> this is the way jane goddall lived near the end, you know.
mgrasso> “if margaret mead, at her age, smoked marijuana…. she’d have one hell of a trip!” *cackling laughter*
BEMaven1> Walt Disney presents ‘The Popemobile’.
Robert> Marlon managed to find people uglier than him.
BryanL> Man, I bet Brando could have turned in that giant blender for one really bigass Snapple smoothie drink.
Mellie> marlon brando *is* the flying nun….
BryanL> Marlon, Ian McDermitt called. Said he’s the Emperor in Episode One. you can stop auditioning.
BEMaven1> we hear and obey the Sta-Puff Marshmallow Man.
mgrasso> brando’s wearing lip smackers lip gloss!
BryanL> Fun With Agonizers.
Ironf> Well Thundercats really ARE on the loose.
Robert> would anyone like some sunglasses, like Brando wears in that new “Island of Dr. Moreau” movie?
Mellie> he got that all-in-one pain chip controller with his subscribtion to tv guide.
Plumm> Hey, Dr. Monsanto, need some more pancake make-up there?
BryanL> Marlon’s got a Mini-Me.
thayer> mini-me, gone terribly wrong
BEMaven1> so THAT’S what happened to Baby Jane.
EvilJen> I’m the sensitive mutant.
mgrasso> i still don’t know how they constructed this thing.
Robert> And the Talosian flips him off.
* Mellie glances at robert
mgrasso> obscure, robert.
EvilJen> Robert proves his geekhood.
* EvilJen bows.
BEMaven1> uh. that’s the boy who died of Pleugiria.
BryanL> Apparently, the only gene Brando’s been able to discover is the one that makes peoples faces all lumpy.
thayer> and the hairy gene. probably got that one from experimenting on robin williams.
Ironf> You would have thought that that was a Mini-Brando, but actually a Mini-Brando is around normal sized for a person.
BEMaven1> too bad he doesn’t have an allergy to pasta.
Plumm> ‘Allow me to remind you that you were repeatedly buggered by Leo DiCaprio.’
Robert> In the course of almost-human events …
Plumm> ‘In the course of my scientific studies, I find I prefer making out with Larry King.’
BEMaven1> ‘and furthermore, don’t judge what you can possibly judge when you can barely judge your own judgements.’
Mellie> oh, i know that title’s font! it’s morbidda gothica beta .83
Robert> Five minutes without Kilmer, and the movie’s already infinitely better.
Robert> At least I can laugh at marlon. When I see Val, all I can do is cry.
Robert> If they have a scene together, I may explode.
EvilJen> Oh, my god.
mgrasso> thank you everyone… now, i’ll be playing a little paul anka.
Robert> okay, now that’s spooky.
Ironf> and now, Brando’s “Mammy”
* EvilJen is laughing really loud, very very loud
thayer> o/~ oliver cromewll, lord protector of england…
BEMaven1> who put the baboon in a papal robe? oh, sorry, Brando.
Mellie> o/` just the two of us o/`
EvilJen> mostly, it’s the headgear, though.
mgrasso> is it the muumuu that sells this scene? or the condom-like head drapery?
Mellie> definitely the condom-like head drapery
Plumm> ugh
Ironf> BTW, I WANT YOU IN MY BELLY!
thayer> hmm…watch disturbing renditions of chopin or follow the sext cat chick…decisions decisions…
Robert> Ah, I just don’t understand Tolkien.
BEMaven1> and now we’ll show a home movie on Brando’s back… in Panavision.
EvilJen> he’s got one of those water cooling head bands on.
BryanL> This is the best episode of “Beauty and the Beast” ever.
mgrasso> val lookin’ like a 90s don johnson there.
BryanL> They could afford Brando ’cause the wardrobe budget was basically clearanced queen-size bed sheets from Target.
BryanL> The devil is that element in human nature that has a blue dress blue dress blue dress on.
Mellie> and compells us to buy from the delta burke clothing line.
Plumm> with gerald mcraney as the charred midget
BryanL> Who. The fuck. Approved. The wardrove. For this “movie”?
Plumm> BRANDO, Bry
Robert> He tries me, and I will have him!
BEMaven1> Brando is trying so hard to sound like a Jedi Knight.
BEMaven1> he’d have better luck playing the planet Tattoine.
Mellie> i smell the hand of mona may.
BryanL> Better the devil you know then the devil Brando has to explain to you.
mgrasso> i heard brando’s wine budget went over 5 mil.
BryanL> My Dinner With Moreau.
EvilJen> FANatic. This week, Dr. Moreau.
Ironf> Whadda ya think is IN the burgers.
BEMaven1> monstrous disfigurements? you don’t approve of the corn rows on the man-puma?
* Robert is wondering when Marlon will get so hungry that he puts his Nobel Prize in the Pepsi machine.
Plumm> ‘. . . and I have ordered almost as many lobotomies of mu children as Joe Kennedy.’
BryanL> Has anyone actually mentioned to Brando that he’s just a giant, slurring freak show?
Robert> The fan motif continues.
EvilJen> he’s OCD.
BryanL> At least he segregates his books by color.
BryanL> They’re engaged in a deadly game of mouse-man and cat-woman.
Ironf> Everyone is entertained by my humping monkeys. Come, enjoy the show!
Plumm> can’t go wrong with monkey sex
mgrasso> face hugger.
BryanL> This movie would be so much better with Aliens killing everybody.
Ironf> That and Roc in the Brando role.
Mellie> no, this movie would be so much better if it was over, bryan.
BryanL> It’s Oz.
Mellie> and rizzo the rat goes insane.
Robert> Yes, let’s gaze deeply into the darkened cage with the squealing freak.
Robert> BRANDO generates a personal force field.
BryanL> He hates what that cat-man do.
Ironf> Brando’s gonna ride him.
BEMaven1> working a remote. that was Brando’s action scene for the whole movie.
BryanL> Rum Tum Tugger’s in deep shit.
BryanL> They killed Kitty! You bastards!
Plumm> the white man, mon.
Ironf> Mutant must not kill mutant. It is the law.
Robert> I wonder what’s for dinner tonight …
BEMaven1> ‘put him in his favorite litter box.’
Mellie> and by all due respect, brando means, “fry ‘im up”
BryanL> So when does the valet turn into Dwayne Dibbley?
thayer> ooh, computers. maybe he’ll try and use the INTERNET
mgrasso> bleh. this sucks.
Robert> they were hoping you wouldn’t notice, Mike, what with the SPECIAL EFFECTS!
BryanL> I think I can safely say at this point that there have been… better movies.
Mellie> i’m hot and uncomfortabl
e. i’m blaming the movie.
BEMaven1> eclipse! no, it’s just Brando standing on a hill.
thayer> aka putting lots of hair on people
BEMaven1> the animal crackers based on these characters didn’t sell very well either.
Ironf> Well who
really wants to eat Brando?
Robert> The Brando cracker always broke during shipping.
Plumm> I don’t believe Frankenheimer was really off his twenty-year drunk when he did this.
BEMaven1> he probably dried out in time for ‘Andersonville.’
BEMaven1> i can’t believe the guy who did ‘Manchurian Candidate’ made this dreck.
mgrasso> ron perlman. of course.
EvilJen> he’s going to come easy off the bone.
Mellie> that must be rough.. finding your best friend’s skull with brando’s teeth marks all over it.
BEMaven1> what is the law? no tossing bones at satellites.
Robert> Oh, that cat isn’t sitting well.
thayer> so in the future, he might wanna make his mutants a little more stupid.
Robert> BRANDO enjoys his Virtual Boy.
Ironf> Brando blinded me with SCIENCE!
BEMaven1> the sad thing is that most of the animal men took Home Economics.
mgrasso> yep. val kilmer, a brilliant neurosurgeon.
Ironf> I’d buy that.
mgrasso> mugging and capering coaches were on site, don’t you worry.
EvilJen> ew.
EvilJen> ew.
EvilJen> ew.
EvilJen> baby got back.
* Mellie screams in horror
thayer> ew, naked minime
Ironf> Please, no nude little man.
BEMaven1> “retrogressing into what?” — can’t you guess, dummy?
Robert> enjoy our naked computer generated lumpy midget.
Mellie> oh lord, the cgi mini brando was humping that sack. ::cries::
mgrasso> guys, i’m pretty sure that’s a real person.
mgrasso> i was kidding, before.
Robert> Aw, now you’ve ruined it, Mike.
Ironf> Maybe he’s computer enhanced.
mgrasso> i get it, the moral, we are all more animal than man.
maidofthemst> On the suface, the real moral is don’t put Brando in a classic sci-fi story.
Plumm> Listen, felineKlinger, just get Radar to put the call thru.
MAClear> He’s listening to bootleg Dylan
Robert> shirtless smoking Kilmer, Texas style.
BEMaven1> a motherboard on Kilmer’s head. sure worth the price of admission.
mgrasso> guys, if i’m right, the computer chips and the marijuana *weren’t* in the original?
mgrasso> nice hat! he looks like a softserve cone!
Robert> deposit trash here.
Bice> Oh my god. Has Brando looked like that the entire movie?
Ironf> Akeem the African Dream!
MAClear> How many people are under that thing with Brando?
MAClear> How unusual to see brando eating
Bice> He’s Jabba the Hutt, after ascending into second banana heaven.
BEMaven1> brando disguised as a xmas bulb. sure worth the price of admission.
Mellie> yes, fill my ren-fest beer mug hat with ice.
MAClear> Oh, you’re a miracle worker
Robert> BRANDO, the fifth Superfan.
MAClear> I wonder if the script actually says, “Brando wears a ridiculous outfit”
Mellie> aww.. and trivializing his daughter’s pain makes things all better.
mgrasso> brando had to take fey shots every day on the set.
deueltl> If he ran out of food while she was near him, it could get ugly quick.
BryanL> THE POWER OF BRANDO COMPELS YOU!
Ironf> Didja GET THE BRANDO!
BryanL> They just pulled the Congo suits out of a damp, musty, mothridden storage facility, didn’t they?
Plumm> and, Bryan, that satorage facility was named . .. Marlon Brando. GOOD DAY
Bice> So, have they discovered the big black monolith yet?
BEMaven1> kilmer’s been falling down on his locking-up duties.
MAClear> this is how the music for Britney Spears is written
EvilJen> to be like the Hu-Man…to think like the Hu-Man…
BryanL> They discover a piano and the first thing that comes out is a Philip glass tune.
BEMaven1> whatever you do, don’t jump on the furniture.
Robert> Brando eating a midnight snack. No.
Plumm> This is a lot like that movie “Sirens.”
mgrasso> except elle macpherson is hairier, jamie.
Ironf> See they actually filmed the script meetings. A hundred mutant monkeys at a hundred typewritter wrote a part for Brando.
BryanL> Hey! That’s Brando’s stool.
BEMaven1> i pity that piano seat.
Plumm> oh dear lord. BRANDO show tunes
Mellie> and the movie gets jane austen on our ass
BryanL> There is another kind of music. White music.
Ironf> Brando, please no staring at the monkeyman’s red ass.
Mellie> quick, someone get a distant lord for a younger mutant to love
Bice> Brando prepared for this role by sucking on a sack of lemons.
BryanL> I like a mu-mu in June… how ’bout you?
mgrasso> i picture that cartoon factory music whenever the little guy moves.
MAClear> ARRGH, I JUST SAW UP BRANDO
EvilJen> look at that gut.
thayer> god, what a horrid kimono
MAClear> this is the reaction I get from watching the Nanny
Plumm> Where’s your gun, now, BRANDO?
Mellie> mutants and robots always rebell, so why do people keep making them?
mgrasso> wow, the tongue must make him popular with the lady hyenas.
Robert> and he grabs the skull, pushes the button underneath, and runs to the Brandopoles.
BEMaven1> stop him! he’s gonna recite Hamlet with that skull.
BryanL> Gotta say, any movie that kills Brando at 1:15 can’t be all bad.
MAClear> Somewhere, Charlton Heston is smiling
mgrasso> and now, All Hell Breaks Loose.
deueltl> Brave movie that depends on heavy breathing and rain for dialogue.
BryanL> Man, Brando’s flaring up big-time. They’ll be rendering him down for weeks.
BEMaven1> ~o/ i just found out… animals don’t help…~o/
Robert> The word is the law of the word.
Plumm> The Law of the Conch!
Robert> LA Law … Burke’s Law …
BEMaven1> what about the Blue Law?
mgrasso> see, the dope’ll get you every time. when val wakes up with the munchies, he’s dead.
MAClear> Here comes the animal verison of David Niven
Robert> He could go for an “orchid” about now.
Bice> You know, I bet I looked a good bit like that mutant in the tux this morning, after I passed out drunk in the suit I wore to a wedding yesterday.
mgrasso> i think rob morrow would have done a whole lot more wincing in this role.
Ironf> How much food could a Brando eat if a Brando did eat food.
BryanL> I don’t know whether to laugh at Val or kill him.
MAClear> If only brando knew that his snazzy wardrobe would outlive him
Ironf> Gah I thought he was about to kiss him there.
EvilJen> when do they start making out?
mgrasso> ah, a sissy slap fight.
thayer> val’s had a little too much happy dust tonight.
BryanL> That’s the nastiest thing I’ve ever seen in a movie.
BryanL> That pillow dropping out of Kilmer’s clothes like a giant white turd.
BEMaven1> valmer dropping a pillow between his legs. i sure needed that.
BEMaven1> so what does Val Kilmer regress into?
MAClear> I don’t think you can regress much further than Val Kilmer
mgrasso> reservoir dogs…. and hyenas, and warthogs.
*** Mellie has quit IRC ((signed off))
Plumm> o my god, Brando killed Mellie!
Plumm> BRANDO
Robert> BRANDO must’ve really cleaned out the fridge; they’re getting desperate for food.
mgrasso> here comes the all-animal orgy.
thayer> and then they all went to a rave
Bice> The mutant disco?
Ironf> And now, Showmonkeys.
EvilJen> when they said they were going to do it doggy style…they weren’t kidding.
mgrasso> they must have been very proud of this concept.
Julia> This is my happening and it freaks me out, baby!
Robert> This is a weird remake of Rocky Horror.
BEMaven1> darn. they cut the part where Brando made Dan Quayle from half an ass.
EvilJen> what a bad Brando impression.
mgrasso> it’s charles mans
on! check his forehead!
EvilJen> I bet he got his ass kicked after this.
deueltl> I smell sex and candy.
Robert> marlon slept through the rest of the filming, Jen.
BryanL> Remember. Without the guiding force of Brando, we’d all be atten
ding bad raves and lighting docks on fire.
BEMaven1> so the animal men obey anyone who can do a Popeye imitation?
deueltl> Not true, Robert, he occasionaly woke and devoured livestock.
Robert> Boy, Brando has weird vacation slides.
Ironf> Nothing funnier than a drunk dogman.
deueltl> Never trust a Rastaferian manservant.
mgrasso> that is one fatty-boombatty joint.
MAClear> Tell me I’m the best Batman, please?
Robert> When you mutate into a cat, the teeth always develop first.
Plumm> anyway, how bout some hot pussy loving before the rasta kills us?
Ironf> This isn’t a very good remake of Heart of Darkness.
Bice> This is a very good remake of American Werewolf in London.
BEMaven1> this isn’t even a good remake of Muppets Take Manhattan.
mgrasso> it is, however, a good failed pilot for “the new NEW zoo revue.”
MAClear> So animals instinctively know how to drive jeeps?
BryanL> I’m now officially sick of the whole “rebel youth” allegory.
Robert> More “Hobgoblins,” ladies and gentlemen.
MAClear> Even on this island they drive right into the barrels full of water
BryanL> Nothing spices up your set design like a random leg.
deueltl> You know it’s a bad movie when the hero figure alwasy looks like he’s on the verge of tears.
BryanL> He’s the sub-boss.
BryanL> Again, we see how this would have made a much better Mortal Kombat movie.
Plumm> all the suspense is gone since BRANDO died
deueltl> Oh, what convincing cat acting, I really believe she’s part cat.
mgrasso> here we go with the feline silliness. pile on the cat riffs.
Ironf> Well, kitty at my feet and I wanna pet it.
BEMaven1> are they fighting over a big ball of yarn?
Bice> It’s OK, she’s got eight more lives.
Robert> threaten a beating, then hang her. Ripoff.
MAClear> Geez, will you stop hanging around and help me?
Ironf> Should I be upset, because I’m not.
MAClear> *yawn* that was so sad
deueltl> I thought part of developing a story was to get the watcher to have sympathy for the characters. Am I wrong on this one?
mgrasso> everyone’s tax records are getting ripped up.
deueltl> They walked into the set for Brazil!
MAClear> Meanwhile at a frat party not far away
Bice> They’re looking for a script that doesn’t suck.
Robert> I’d rather watch the last minute of “The Unearthly,” looped over and over for two hours, than this movie.
BEMaven1> it’s a reenactment of the Mich State U beer riots.
BEMaven1> ‘good doggy. now fetch some hot lead, sucka.’
Robert> He who lies down with dogs gets up with … I can’t bear to finish that thought.
Ironf> And Norris in prostetics storms the front gate to end this all.
Robert> Don’t you all wish Val were here to deliver lines like this?
mgrasso> the movie is missing a certain something, robert.
deueltl> Worship me and scratch behind my ears, dammit!
Bice> To heighten the experience, in the theaters all seats had a paper bag of dog crap under them while this film was playing.
BryanL> this would be even cooler if I had any idea who or what the factions actually were.
thayer> well bry, there’re these hairy guys…and then there’re these other hairy guys….
BryanL> See, they should have devided it up into cat-people and dog-people. That way we’d have clear teams.
Robert> just *why* did Brando have all this heavy firepower on the island?
mgrasso> robert: because he wanted them to live in peace, of course.
MAClear> I guess one of their laws must be the second amedment
Robert> Oh, and why the hell did BRANDO make them to begin with? Was he just really bored?
Ironf> The following scene was brought to you by Bob Barker. Remember, this is what happens when you don’t have your pets spayed or neutered.
deueltl> So, they’ve all gone primative, but they still wear pants?
Robert> The eternal struggle between dogs and monkeys.
Ironf> Where does the Skunkape fit in to all this?
MAClear> I think I’ll be the god if I immolate myself
mgrasso> see, that death leaves the movie open for a sequel.
BryanL> “I’m still alive, but very… badly… burned!”
Plumm> A dejected Sabretooth incinerates himself.
Robert> “I’ll be back” … how many movies does this steal from?
BEMaven1> ‘i’ll be back. i got a date with some butt pirates.’
MAClear> What the hck is that little thing anyway?
Ironf> Please, say hello to my little friend.
deueltl> We’ll make great pets, we’ll male great pets.
mgrasso> and commence orwell ripoff.
Robert> Dr. Cornelius he ain’t.
BryanL> Yeah! FOUR LEGS GOOD! TWO LEGS BAD!
Plumm> perhaps one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know
Robert> and they shoot him in the back, the end.
thayer> and the movie laps itself.
mgrasso> it’s sad that the professor has to leave gilligan and the skipper behind like that.
BryanL> And that’s when I knew that, while I might leave the Island of Dr. Moreau, the Island of Dr. Moreau will never leave my heart.
MAClear> As i sailed away, I heard one word “Lowenstein”
mgrasso> letterbox! that was sudden.
Bice> Imagine how much better this would have been if the whole movie had been letterboxed.
Ironf> and now, some stock footage to cleanse the pallette
MAClear> It’s a Marilyn manson conert
Robert> Watching apes and dogs kill each other has really taught me to love my felow man.
thayer> you would have thought he learned it was a bad idea to float helpless on a raft in the middle of the ocean.
Balthayzr> He learned too late that half-man is a feeling creature…
Robert> Marlon had four grips.
mgrasso> “big mac wrangler to mr. brando…”
mgrasso> mr. brando’s driver…. oh yeah.
Balthayzr> Muumuus by Barnum and Bailey.
MAClear> Stupid hats coutesy of Katherin hepburn
Bice> Would that have made even a tiny bit more sense if I had seen the first hour?
thayer> not really, bice
MAClear> You would have seen Brando in a muumuu, Bice. That would have made all the difference
BryanL> Chalk up another pyrrhic victory for we happy few…er.. many… at Homegame Industries.
Balthayzr> Hmph. The animal-men we’re making in HG Labs are much better….I mean, what a goofy movie.
Robert> does anyone really expect AMC to be trying to save these films, 50 years from now?
EvilJen> I hope not.
BryanL> The great thing about the 90’s is that b-grade blockbusters like this skip network TV entirely and go straight to basic cable. It’s a good universe.
BryanL> They’ll be trying to save “Rocketman”.
Robert> Val Kilmer standing around reading lines of dialogue guarantees “classic” status.
EvilJen> one of my friend’s has this on laserdisk. shame on him.
BEMaven1> they’ll have a tough time flattening the bump Brando made in the film emulsion.

THE WORD IS THE LAW OF THE WORD…
“I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to restrict your movements to the main house.”
“Animal rights activists drove him out of the States. Got so bad you couldn’t cage a rat without reading him his rights.”
“She’s a pussycat.”
“How can they pull out implants, man? They’re animals!”
“There is no pain, there is no law!”

FACTS FROM IMDB, SO THEY CAN’T BE WRONG

• Marlon Brando wore a small radio receiver to aid him remembering his lines. Co-star David Thewlis claimed “He’d be in the middle of a scene and suddenly he’d be picking up police messages and Marlon would repeat, `There’s a robbery at Woolworths’.”
• David Thewlis (“the guy”) has vowed never to watch the finished product of the film, it
  was such a negative experience making it. He skipped its opening premiere.
• John Frankenheimer was tapped to take over as director by New Line Cinema after the original one was fired after one day of shoot
  ing.

  ---

  mgrasso has been spliced with a three-toed sloth to improve his energy level.
  FIVE ASSES!