TMC NewsBreak – Fake News Most Weekdays

Quote Of The Day

Michael Davies, the executive producer of popular game show “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”, is probably less concerned with the social value of his show than he is with the huge wads of money rolling in as a result. Therefore, enlightened ironic cynics should be suspicious of any statements he makes about multigenerational families or disliking the furor surrounding what is, in all reality, just a damn game show.

NewsBreak

1A: Bob Hope is really, really old.
1B: In the past, I have implied that Bob Hope is really, really old as the result of his dabbling in mystical forces, and/or being an evil being who sucks the life out of other celebrities.
1C: The weekend deaths of two other really old celebrities allowed me to rehash a tired old theme, also known as “going back to the well” or “continuity”.
1D: This rehashing is enhanced by modern technological image editing techniques, allowing me to emphasize Hope’s otherworldly demonic nature by giving him DEMONIC RED EYES.

2A: The title of the article is a convergence of the old proverb, “Half a loaf is better than none”, with the slang term “load”, meaning a slow, lethargic (in this case, mentally) individual.
2B: Having been beaten to the punch in the race to connect “Fox” Mulder with the “Fox” network, I cleverly turn it back onto itself and make fun of those who got there before me.
2C: By mixing up the usage of the words “full” and “half”, I imply that, during full seasons of the X-Files, Duchovny was doing a “half-assed” job. This quote from Chris Carter is completely fictional, as far as I know.
2D: The joke continues by pointing out that Chris Carter is producing the FULL season, implying that he, too, does a HALF-assed job.
2E: One joke, being that Chris Carter has been known to “pull endings out of his ass” (i.e. quickly write endings to storylines without proper forethought) is stretched to fill an entire paragraph through gratuitous verbage.
2F: Fake alternative scenarios provide the bulk of humor in this paragraph. The theme of “half” is abandoned by the third example to take cheap shots at both Duchovny’s past TV work (Showtime’s soft-core-porn series, “Red Shoe Diaries”) and his relationship with wife Tea Leoni.
2G: The remaining two paragraphs are fairly complex, creating an entirely fictional scenario making fun of the X-Files writing techniques. More details below:
2G-a: This sentence is sarcasm.
2G-b: The X-Files mixes stand-alone episodes that don’t relate to the overall story (“monster-of-the-week”) with episodes heavy on the overall story (“arc episodes”) seemingly arbitrarily.
2G-c: The X-Files is known for wildly-implausible storylines. All people mentioned are characters on the show.
2G-d: Many science-fiction shows have used the “rapid gestation/maturation” cop-out to accelerate storylines; this tradition is taken to an absurd extreme.
2G-e: Gratuitous pop-culture reference to the young star of “The Sixth Sense”.
2G-f: Gratuitous pop-culture reference to only member of popular teen band I can remember by name; joke at the expense of Hollywood’s obsession with “Teen” or “Kid” versions of famous properties.
2G-g: Gratuitous reference to X-Files slogan, “The Truth Is Out There”.

3A: “Cliff” spelled with one “f” to avoid the inevitable lawsuits.