Refined Musings

Well, the holiday season is here, and as the HGI Martha Stewart, I feel it my duty to give tips that any geek can implement to give his hovel a festive mood.

It’s almost Thanksgiving, so why not make yourself a fun centerpiece your relatives will compliment and marvel at during Thanksgiving dinner? But, you say, “EJ, I have no time, and no talent! I’m busy with work, school and playing Shoot-A-Load!” No problem! Go outside (You know, the place with the big bright shiny ball that exists beyond your computer room.), get some very brightly colored leaves, some pine cones, and head over to Wal-Mart and buy one of those HUGE pillar candles…scatter the leaves and pine cones around the candle and ta da! A pretty and festive decoration! If you’re really creative you might even paint the pine cones to look like turkeys…but let’s not go too far.

Need some ornaments for your Christmas tree? Take those AOL trial CDs, paint green and red stripes on them to make a plaid pattern and tada, easy and cheap decorations for the Tannenbaum! What about a wreath? Haul your fat ass up to Hobby Lobby, buy a 3 dollar fake wreath, tie aformentioned painted CDs onto the wreath with a few tiny red velvet ribbons (A buck ninety nine on sale.) and, tada, it’s a cute and kitchy decoration for your front door that’s sure to be stolen by your neighbors.

You want easy, simple and fun stockings, you say? No problem! First, run to your dad’s dresser (We know you live at home. Don’t deny it.), avoid the latest issue of “Hot and Wet Mommys”, and loot a few of his stretched-out socks. Tie those socks up like a dog chew toy, or a ball gag, and soak in a sink of red or green dye. Voila! Hip, tie-dyed stockings to hang above the fire for Santa (Who doesn’t really exist. Muahahahahahahaha!)

Tomorrow, EJ is getting a root canal and planning on being stuffed with pain pills for the next 2 or 3 days, allowing her to have no memory of Thanksgiving. So, pull out your stolen Xanax pills and join in the semi-conscious doped up fun with your family! Happy Holidays!