The Boogie Report

AN OPEN LETTER TO DESTINY’S CHILD

Hey there, girls. I like you. Sure, the music’s formulaic pop crap but at least it’s fun formulaic pop crap. Plus, your decision to use tight harmonies all of the time makes the music major in me sing.

You started out with the trifle of a song, “Bills, Bills, Bills.” Sure, it was a bit annoying but I could handle it. Or maybe I just wanted the costumes from the video. I don’t know.

Then there was “Say My Name,” which I honestly didn’t like that much. This was also the time that your cast started to change faster than President Borusa, and the video didn’t do as much for me. Pose! Pose! Pose! Just kick that man out, girlfriend.

“Jumpin’ Jumpin'” is by far my favorite of the songs so far. Great harmonic progression, wonderful tempo, and a FIERCE video.  Applause all around. Then you made a big mistake:

What the fuck is this song that’s on the “Charlie’s Angels” movie soundtrack? Not that it’s a bad song, but do you have to say the words “Charlie’s Angels” every two seconds? That’s all it is! “Charlie’sAngelsCharlie’sAngelsCharlie’sAngelsCharlie’sAngezzzzz…”

How can you get away with that? If I decided to write a song and just say “Manimal” over and over and over and over, would I get a Number One hit? I don’t think so. Don’t think you’re immune, or it will come back and bite you in the ass.

You’re on probation right now. One more bad single and you’ll go away earlier than expected. We have the power, and we’re not afraid to use it.

Pinwiz – During the time I wrote this Boogie Report, I’ve had 18 Hairstyles.